Chicken Lady: Date

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I
[Dave walks up to apartment door and rings the bell.]

Mark: Don't go. I'm home.

Dave rings the bell again.

Mark: Who is it?

Dave: It's me, Max Davis. I answered your ad in the personals. We have a date tonight.

Mark: Oh yeah? Are you my date?

Dave: Yes, I am.

[Dave turns as Scott and his girlfriend walk by.]

Scott and girlfriend: Ewww!

[Dave turns back to open door and Mark is standing there.]

Mark: Well, I bet your mother gave you a name. What is it?

Dave: I said it was Max.

Mark: Oh yeah. Come on in, Max.

Dave: No.

Mark: What? You want to eat dinner out here? I did last night.

Dave: So, you're not from Toronto?

Mark: No, just north of it. Come on in.

[Mark pulls Dave by the hand and throws him across the room. Dave crashes into the wall.]

Dave: Well... what are you?

Mark: God, you're not too bright. I'm a chickenlady.

Dave: A chickenlady.

Mark: Yup. And I love life. Do you love life?

Dave: Oh yeah.

Mark: I thought you might because I put that in my personal ad. Chickenlady loves life.

Dave: Gee, I never took that literally.

Mark: No?

Dave: I never really took Ch-Ch-Chickenlady literally.

Mark: You're not too bright.

Dave: No.

Mark: Just the way I like them. See that's my mom... and that's my dada. He left town the day I was born. They say he ain't never coming back.

Dave: Papa was a rolling stone, huh?

Mark: Let's get a look at you. God, you're different.

Dave: Oh?

Mark: Yeah, all the other guys are usually a lot bigger, but I got tired of paying for it. Darn near couldn't make my rent this month.

Dave: Well, I guess it adds up.

Mark: Cause it adds up.Yah, it adds up. So, do you like the place?

Dave: Oh yeah,sure, it's really nice. I can't stay.

Mark: Sure you can! Have a seat. So,what is it you do?

Dave: I'm a banker.

Mark: God, you must be thirsty. Can I get you a beer or would you like to just drink out of the toilet?

Dave: A beer.

Mark: Okay. Suit yourself. Hey, would you like to sign my yearbook?

Dave: Oh, no thank you.

Mark: High school was hell for me.

Dave: Oh, really?

Mark: All the other kids teased me.

Dave: Wow, imagine that.

Mark: If you want to stay in my good books, don't call me a birdbrain. If you want to stay in my good books, which you do. Gravel and grubs, gravel and grubs, I love to eat my gravel and grubs.

[Mark drops down a tray with two plates. Mark sits and eats a worm.]

Mark: Oh, I made you an omelet on account of I figured you might not like bugs.

Dave: Oh, thank you.

Mark: Go ahead. Tuck in.

Dave: Oh, good.

Mark: Course it's good, cause they're fresh. Straight out of my body and onto your plate.

Dave: (screams) Ahhhh!! Oh my god!

Mark: Wait, don't go. Oh, darn. Oh, hi Susan. Oh say, that's a nice hunk you've got there. Mine ran away.

Scott and girlfriend: Ewwwww!

Mark: I know what you're going to do in there. Gotta get laid, gotta get laid. Oh great. Fifty bucks. (Mark dials the phone.) Hello Studline? Is Gunther working tonight? Oh good, I like him a lot. Send him up. Yup, same address.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video