Transcribed from: Comedy Central[Dave walks up to apartment door and rings the bell.]
Transcribed by: I Hecubus@aol.com
Mark: Don't go. I'm home.
Dave rings the bell again.
Mark: Who is it?
Dave: It's me, Max Davis. I answered your ad in the personals. We have a date tonight.
Mark: Oh yeah? Are you my date?
Dave: Yes, I am.
[Dave turns as Scott and his girlfriend walk by.]
Scott and girlfriend: Ewww!
[Dave turns back to open door and Mark is standing there.]
Mark: Well, I bet your mother gave you a name. What is it?
Dave: I said it was Max.
Mark: Oh yeah. Come on in, Max.
Mark: What? You want to eat dinner out here? I did last night.
Dave: So, you're not from Toronto?
Mark: No, just north of it. Come on in.
[Mark pulls Dave by the hand and throws him across the room. Dave crashes into the wall.]
Dave: Well... what are you?
Mark: God, you're not too bright. I'm a chickenlady.
Dave: A chickenlady.
Mark: Yup. And I love life. Do you love life?
Dave: Oh yeah.
Mark: I thought you might because I put that in my personal ad. Chickenlady loves life.
Dave: Gee, I never took that literally.
Dave: I never really took Ch-Ch-Chickenlady literally.
Mark: You're not too bright.
Mark: Just the way I like them. See that's my mom... and that's my dada. He left town the day I was born. They say he ain't never coming back.
Dave: Papa was a rolling stone, huh?
Mark: Let's get a look at you. God, you're different.
Mark: Yeah, all the other guys are usually a lot bigger, but I got tired of paying for it. Darn near couldn't make my rent this month.
Dave: Well, I guess it adds up.
Mark: Cause it adds up.Yah, it adds up. So, do you like the place?
Dave: Oh yeah,sure, it's really nice. I can't stay.
Mark: Sure you can! Have a seat. So,what is it you do?
Dave: I'm a banker.
Mark: God, you must be thirsty. Can I get you a beer or would you like to just drink out of the toilet?
Dave: A beer.
Mark: Okay. Suit yourself. Hey, would you like to sign my yearbook?
Dave: Oh, no thank you.
Mark: High school was hell for me.
Dave: Oh, really?
Mark: All the other kids teased me.
Dave: Wow, imagine that.
Mark: If you want to stay in my good books, don't call me a birdbrain. If you want to stay in my good books, which you do. Gravel and grubs, gravel and grubs, I love to eat my gravel and grubs.
[Mark drops down a tray with two plates. Mark sits and eats a worm.]
Mark: Oh, I made you an omelet on account of I figured you might not like bugs.
Dave: Oh, thank you.
Mark: Go ahead. Tuck in.
Dave: Oh, good.
Mark: Course it's good, cause they're fresh. Straight out of my body and onto your plate.
Dave: (screams) Ahhhh!! Oh my god!
Mark: Wait, don't go. Oh, darn. Oh, hi Susan. Oh say, that's a nice hunk you've got there. Mine ran away.
Scott and girlfriend: Ewwwww!
Mark: I know what you're going to do in there. Gotta get laid, gotta get laid. Oh great. Fifty bucks. (Mark dials the phone.) Hello Studline? Is Gunther working tonight? Oh good, I like him a lot. Send him up. Yup, same address.