Cathy: Scandalous Weekend

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast- [In the offices of AT&Love, Scott and Bruce sit watching the clock.]

Scott and Bruce: Five...four...three...two...one...the weekend! Yay!

Bruce: I thought it would never come!

Scott: Oh, god, me too! [to her computer] Off you go!

Bruce: So, Cath, what are you doing this weekend?

Scott: What am I doing...do do do...what am I doing? Well, I don't have anything planned as such...

Bruce: Yeah...?

Scott: What are you doing, Kath?

Bruce: Well, I'm going to go to one of those popular movies with Jill, Betty, and Beth...

Scott: Oh...

Bruce: Then, afterwards, go three ways on a large pizza...

Scott: Uh-huh...

Bruce: ...and maybe watch a couple of hours of TV.

Scott: Oh, great!

Bruce: You want to come?

Scott: Uh, no, um...I've seen everything.

Bruce: Yeah...Cath, I really wish we did more, you know?

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: Used our free time better, planned more things to do.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: Sometimes it feels like our lives are passing us by, and we're not even in them!

Scott: Yeah...

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: Yeah!

Bruce: Yeah...so do you want to come?

Scott: Oh, no, thanks, I'm in my own groove...

Bruce: All right.

Scott: ...you know? Okay!

Bruce: Well, whatever you do, have a good weekend! [Laughs.]

Scott: Have a good one!

[Scott strolls down a street at night and chooses Love Boat Disco from several bars. He goes downstairs, looks around. Everyone there is African-American.]

Scott: [getting out of someone's way] Oh, I'm sorry! [He goes up to the bar.] Hi!

Woman: Hi, what can I get you?

Scott: I'd like a triple zombie, please.

Woman: Triple zombie? Are you sure?

Scott: Yeah.

Woman: Okay...

[Scott turns away from the bar, sipping an enormous drink from a pitcher. He watches the dancers, then looks over to see a table of men, including Gilbert, looking at him and grinning. Gilbert winks, then gets up and approaches.]

Scott: Hi!

Man: Uh, would you like to dance?

Scott: Sure! [He leaves his pitcher on the bar and they slowdance.]

Man: My name's Gilbert, what's yours?

Scott: I'm Cathy.

Man: Hello, Cathy. What do you do?

Scott: I'm a secretary...does that scare you?

Man: No, I work in a bank. [They laugh. Gilbert touches Scott's face.]

Scott: Oh! [nervously] I'm from Kitchener. I-I-I-I....I don't usually do this. [Gilbert undoes some of Scott's blouse buttons.] I was raised a Mennonite.

[A fast song begins and they dance faster. Cut to them sitting at Gilbert's table, with his friends. Scott is laughing.]

Scott: Oh, I'm so pooped! I haven't danced like that in...well, never! Oh, none of the guys that I go out with like to dance.

Man: Maybe you're going out with the wrong guys.

Scott: Oh...you are so gorgeous. You guys are so sweet. I love this place, I'm having a great time! But I'm really drunk. You know how I know? I feel skinny!

[The guys laugh.]

Man: You like to dance!

Scott: Oh, I love it! I took Highland dance when I was young.

Guy At Table: Let's dance!

Scott: Let's go!

Man: Yeah!

[They all dance some ridiculous dances, including Irish step dance. Fade out and cut to Scott rolling off Gilbert.]

Scott: Ah!

[Gilbert lights two cigarettes and hands one to Scott.]

Scott: Thanks...I don't smoke, but thanks. I feel like a Benetton ad...your skin makes me look lighter, and I make you look darker.

Man: Color doesn't matter; we're all pink inside.

[Heart-shaped window-out on Scott and Gilbert kissing. Cut back to AT&Love offices. Bruce is at his desk when Scott comes in.]

Scott: Morning, Kathie!

Bruce: Good morning, Cath! You look great!

Scott: Thank you!

Bruce: How was your weekend?

Scott: Oh, it was excellent! Kathie, I finally met someone who loves to dance and isn't gay.

Bruce: Oh, great!

Scott: [looking around] But he's black. Do you think it'll cause a scandal?

Bruce: No.

Scott: No? Why not?

Bruce: Because this weekend, something even more scandalous happened!

Scott: Oh, what is it? Spill it!

Bruce: Thirty dollars' worth of coffee money is missing!

Scott: Oh, my god! Any suspects?

Bruce: Only hundreds!

Scott: Oh, geez, you are Nancy Drew!

[Mark enters, wearing an awful hat.]

Mark: Good morning!

Scott: Hi.

Bruce: Hi.

Mark: Oh, do you like my new hat? Bought it on the weekend, thirty bucks.

Scott: Nice...

Mark: Well, back to work! Mondays, huh?

Scott: Yeah, Mondays.

Bruce: Yeah.

[Mark walks away.]

Scott: Thief!

Bruce: Temp!

Scott and Bruce: Temp thief!

[They laugh.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video