Buddy: On Outing

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: ERigby1000@aol.com
Scott: Bon soir. Notice anything different? Hmm? I'm not smoking. And it's great. I saved so much money that I bought myself my own bar. It's called Buddy's--you're sitting in it. Now that I own a gay bar I can't stay in the closet anymore. I'm as high profile as a city counselor. Of course it's becoming next to impossible for anyone to stay in the closet anymore. What with all those hapless celebrities being dragged out by the press. [Holds up a copy of the National Enquirer.] That must be terrible. Millions of people going ewww. I'll bet Richard Chamberlain had a couple of sleepless nights. Oh I'm not saying he's gay, I'm just saying I hope he has a good lover 'cause he's gonna need a lot of sex with a man to help him through this crisis. Good luck Dick!

Why is being outed considered such a bad thing? When I find out someone is gay my admiration for them increases ten fold. Well not everyone. I still refuse to believe Liberace was gay. I just don't want him to be. Him and Roy Cohn! It's like being told Satan's a fag. Maybe that's why God's such a homophobe. And Satan's so sexy. Maybe if more people came out there wouldn't be so many fag bashing comics around. I mean really what's the problem boys? Let me just say *one thing*: [trumpet sound] CHARGE!

Sam Kinnison must be harboring some mighty memories to be so terrified of fags. I mean why is it always the big smelly guys that think all fags want them? Oh I'm not saying his gay, I'm just saying he used to be a preacher! [Makes sign of cross with his hand]

Andrew Dice Clay is phonier that Milli Vanilli. He's wearing the Emperor's New clothes. It's as if someone took your grandmother- the one who can't speak English, taught her to swear phonetically, gave her a special on HBO and made her a star. It's not the dirty words, I have enormous respect for filth. It's the HATE. Andrew Dice Clay is NOT the new Lenny Bruce. I am! He and Eddie Murphy are just pissed off because they give off such a faggy vibe. I'm not saying they're gay. I'm just saying they sure smell like rough trade to me. And the saddest thing of all is, I'd still like to have sex with both of them. Oh sure I'd feel guilty but you know what? All I think it would take is about 20 bucks.

This is great! I feel like Farrah Faucett in Extremities. Anyways, there'll be none of that hatred here at Buddy's. Just family entertainment for the queer nation. No stand up comedy allowed. A place where the brothers can be sisters, the sisters can be parents and I can be *simply*... mmm... I'm not saying I'm gay, I'm just saying, boys, you don't wanna run into me in a dark alley.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video