Buddy Cole In Jail

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
[Scott sits on a stool in a jail cell, dressed in prison stripes, a big metal cross on a chain, and a gray prison hat with a feather poked through the brim. He is holding a metal martini glass.]

Scott: About six months ago, on my birthday-none-of-your-business, some of my straight friends took me to one of those places where chorus boys lip-sync songs by famous ladies for tourists. The evening was disaster from the get-go. We had the best table in the house. The place was filled with men in big ???? suits, and women in ???? fashions from K-Mart. Veeeery sexy! All of a sudden the lights went down, and a spotlight appeared center stage. Showtime! And into the light stepped...Miss Peggy Lee! Or...a reasonable facsimile thereof. She began to sing directly to me! I was disgusted, of course. But I didn't want to let on...because an angry drag queen is scarier than a minotaur. So I smiled at her, but without using my eyes? Like this.

[Scott grins into the camera, eyes wide and blank.]

That's when the acid kicked in.

[The camera shows several Scott-heads in a kaleidoscope pattern.]

The next thing I remember was flying at the queen, screaming, "You're not really singing! Who cares?" A scuffle ensued, and in the melee, the knitting needles in her hairdo pierced her skull, and she was killed instantly. But it didn't seem to affect her act one bit! Oh, no, Miss Peggy Lee kept right on singing!...My trial was a zoo. Nude photos, ex-lovers, a mystery-witness in a hood...huge press. But the judge was a closet-case and resented my openness--he gave me twenty years. Why, I'll be almost forty when I get out! My appeal's coming up, and it seems hopeless. But, I don't have to pay rent...I'm in love...life is good! Oh, that--his name is Leon. I fell in love with him from his very first words to me [in a low, vacant voice:] "You might as well, you got no choice." [back to his normal voice] Our relationship is based a lot on fantasy. I pretend that he rapes me, and he rapes me. Sometimes I think I'm dreaming! It's not his fault that he's mean. He had a bad childhood. Oh, I know what you're thinking--didn't we all? Yes...but HIS was in the paper. So, we have a lot in common: we've both killed, and we love to sing in the choir. Oh, we make a great team, Leon and I, like...Bogey and Bacall...Siegfried and Roy...Hercules and Newt. People always ask me, "Buddy? What does it feel like to kill someone?" Well, the only thing I could possibly compare it to is winning an Oscar.

[A siren begins to sound.]

Oh! Riot...happens every Thursday. Back in ten!

[Scott gets up and opens his cell door.]

Leon, put down that stick! That's James Brown you're threatening!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video