Broadway Broads Backstage

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scott and Bruce are in a dressing room after a show.]

Scott: So, Shirley, whadja think of the play?

Bruce: I liked it.

Scott: Ya liked it? I didn't like it! I thought there were too many people in it, and none of 'em me!

Bruce: Well, I liked it.

Scott: Shirley, you've got an hors d'oevures on your shoulder. D'ya mind, hon?

[Bruce shrugs. Scott picks off the hors d'oevures and eats it, then takes a sip of his drink.]

Scott: Thanks, babe. Y'know, what did you think of Jeremy in the title role as the rebel commander? [points to a poster on the wall of Mark in "Uzi! the musical".]

Bruce: Wow, I liked it.

Scott: Shirley Hugo, are you crazy again? I thought he read gay in the first twenty rows, and after that as a woman! Trouble with Broadway is that there are no stars anymore. There he is.

[Mark enters.]

Mark: Ah, girlfriend!!

[Scott laughs.]

Mark: Girl, you've come!!

Scott: Jeremy, daaaaarling.

[They cross the room and embrace and say some indistinguishable stuff]

Scott: I wouldn't miss opening night for the world, babe.

Mark: You're sweet! (turns to Bruce) Shirley Hugo, is that you?

Bruce: Congratulations, I like it!

Mark: Aww!

Scott: Jeremy, I loved it!

Mark: Oh, you old snapper! (??)

Scott: Jeremy, this play is dynamite, and you're the fuse.

Mark: Now wait a second, did you really think I pulled it off, was I sexy?

Scott: Were-- Jeremy, were you sexy? There wasn't a woman in the house who wasn't wet as spring!

Mark: Good.

Scott: Shirley thought you were very masculine and I thought you were, well, less feminine than usual...AND-- word at intermission was Tony nomination--

Mark: No!

Scott: Tony talk all over the room.

Mark: No!

Scott: Yes!

Mark: God, that's something to hope for. (takes off wig) God, I need a drink.

Scott: I'd love some more booze!

Mark: Really?

Scott: And your company.

Mark: Thanks, I guess!

Scott: (laughs) Don't guess, pour!

[They all laugh as Mark pours.]

Mark: There you go, hon. A toast, a toast, a toast!

Scott: To...

Scott & Mark: Show biz-nuss!!!

Bruce: business...?

Scott: Oh, poor dear.

Mark: Here you go, dear.

[They give Bruce the bottle and he goes off into a corner.]

Scott: Siddown, let's talk, let's talk, let's dish!

(they sit)

Mark: OK, well, you know, Alfonsa, one thing that this, y'know, whole Broadway opening has done to me has made me really sit back and look at things.

Scott: Oh, yeah, it does that, it does it...

Mark: Well, you know here I am, the toast of Broadway--

Scott: Uh huh-- (nods)

Mark: --the top of the heap, you know, but what for? (long pause) I've got secrets.

Scott: Oh, tell me about it.

Mark: We've all got secrets.

Scott: Oh, GOD!

Mark: But old friends shouldn't have secrets--

Scott: No--

Mark: --or they need not call themselves old friends!

Scott: Oh, that's profound!

Mark: Alfonsa,

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: I'm gonna tell you something, honey, that I've never told another living human being. (takes a swig)

Scott: Come on, tell Mama!

Mark: I'm gay! (starts crying)

[Scott looks at the audience.]

Scott: I need a drink!

[Scott gets up and crosses to Bruce who pours her a drink, while Mark cries.]

Mark: (rises) You're shocked, aren't you?

Scott: Frankly, yes.

Mark: Well, Alfonsa, I thought you were a woman of the world, what shocks you, exactly, my honesty?

Scott: No, your stupidity!

Mark: I see, maybe I shouldn't have told you, is that it?

Scott: Jeremy, look at yourself.

Mark: Gladly. (turns towards the mirror)

Scott: You're an effeminate, middle aged actor who prances down Park Avenue in a full length fur with a peacock on a leash. And you really thought we didn't know?

[Mark jumps up and turns to stare disbelievingly at Scott.]

Mark: Are you telling me, Alfonsa, that you KNEW???

Scott: Jeremy, there's two things you can be sure of finding in a Manhattan men's room: No paper, and your phone number!

Mark: That is a lie, Alfonsa, my affairs have been few and discreet!

Scott: Ha haaaaa, Jeremeeee! You see more dicks than a catheter! And believe me, some of those catheters have been talking!

Mark: Well, I don't care what people say. I'm gay and I'm proud of it!

Scott: Well, you're the last to know!

Mark: But, Alfonsa--

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: Between you and me it's keep this officially unofficial, OK? I mean, I want a career in Hollywood! (starts kvetching again)

Scott: Aaaah, capisce, capisce, capisce!

Mark: (wailing) I wanna be a tv detective! I'm good with guns!

Scott: (petting him) Awww, mum's the word, babe! And, Jeremy, just to keep the people guessing, I'm gonna do you a big favor!

Mark: What?

Scott: Hold onto your pants, honey!

[Scott crosses to the door, throws it open and shouts.]


Mark: Alfonsa, you put the "broad" in "Broadway"!

Scott: Oh, Jeremy, the play's a hit and you're the hunky hetero hammer!

Mark: (in deep voice) Thank you!

[They laugh. Bruce looks up.]

Bruce: Wow, I liked it!

Scott: Oh, God, the poor girl needs a drink!

Mark: Doesn't she!

Scott: I've got a suggestion!

Mark: What?

Scott: Why don't Shirley and I run on over to Sardi's and we'll meet you there later for a (martoodi???) or two!

Mark: Only if we have too many! (???)

Scott: Jeremy, you've got it! And, Jeremy, bring your friend along.

[Bruce and Scott leave. Mark turns around sheepishly and we see a pair of bare feet visible from beneath a dressing screen in the corner. A man's head appears above the screen. He and Mark exchange glances.]

[Newspaper Headline: Gay Actor Miscast, Ruins Play]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video