Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Shira leah@aol.comMark: Sandy.
- Mark: Gerald
- Bruce: Gerald
- Dave: Tim
- Woman: Sandy (a voice-over)
- Kevin: Gwen (voice-over)
Woman: Yes?
Mark: Uh, have you memorized that phone book yet?
Woman: No, I'll work on it, sir.
[Mark and Dave laugh]
Dave: That's great. What you're doing, it's great.
[Mark and Dave laugh]
Mark: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Sandy?
Woman: Yes?
Mark: Call someone who's never called me and tell them I'm returning their call.
[Mark and Dave laugh]
Mark: Okay, Sandy?
Kevin: Um, Sandy just quit.
Mark: What?
Kevin: I'm your new secretary, Gwen.
Mark: Ah, that's great, Gwen. Uh, listen, Gwen, I'm hungry.
Kevin: Would you like some food, sir?
Mark: Uh, no just send in my next appointment.
[pause -- Dave is confused]
Mark: I'm saying we're gonna eat him alive.
[Dave and Mark laugh]
Mark: Gerald!
Bruce: Gerald, you old cholesterol sponge!
Mark: Gerald, you old number-spewing poo-head, how are ya?
[Bruce, Dave, and Mark laugh]
Mark: Gerald, have you met my assistant, Tim? He's sitting right there. Look.
Bruce: I'm not sure if I have. [Bruce walks over to Dave, inspects him, looks inside his mouth] No, I can honestly say I've never met this man.
Mark: Okay, well then, Gerald, meet Tim. Tim, Gerald.
[They shake hands. Bruce, Dave, and Mark laugh]
Mark: Okay, let's stop smiling. And negotiate. [They sit]. Gerald, you start.
Bruce: Uhhhhhhhhh . . .
Mark: All right, I'll start. Gerald, whatever your opening position is, I find it insulting! Get the hell out of my office!
Bruce: Okay. [he gets up to leave]
Mark: Gerald! This is where you come back at me.
Bruce: Oh, I forgot. Here, why don't you take these baseball tickets.
Mark: Oh, that's better, way to butter me up, you old ruth -- Gerald, these tickets are three years old. What gives?
[pause]
Bruce: I've lost it, Gerald. I'm no longer any good at negotiating. I keep forgetting whose client is who, I'm no good with, uh, numbers, as a matter of fact, if you were to take off my suit jacket right now you'd find semi-circles of sweat forming under my armpits because I'm so nervous, I'm really bad at--
[Dave tries to open his briefcase]
Bruce: --aaaaaaah! social graces, as a matter of fact my briefcase is empty. It's a bluff. There's nothing in there at all; it's been empty for weeks. And I realize as I'm telling you all this in the midst of a gloves off, bare knuckles, winner takes all negotiation that perhaps I shouldn't be telling you this.
Mark: How so, Gerald?
Bruce: Well, pointing out all my disadvantages might put you at an advantage.
Mark and Dave: Ohhh . . .
Mark: Well, Gerald, I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, as a testament to how bad we are, you're still here. We haven't thrown you out yet. No, Gerald, you know, just now, I was watching your lips move but really I was thinking about what to eat for lunch, you know? And now I'm sorta looking out that window and I'm wondering, `how much does that building weigh,' and now I'm thinking, `could I box a few rounds if I had to save my life, you know, take someone to the mat,' and now I'm thinking about having an affair with my secretary and I don't even know what she looks like. Gerald, I haven't heard a word you said.
Bruce: That's great, really great.
Dave: I love business meetings! Aren't they something, huh? Us in our suits, I mean, don't we look great as a group of business *guys*? You know, sittin' around drinking coffee brought to us by somebody who's afraid of losing their job, maybe someone grabs a pencil and gets it into their head to [tap, tap] tap on a desk with it. Intercoms, memos, useless interjections -- hey, like this one! Boy!
Bruce: Boy, the kid makes it sound . . . so ultra-fine.
Mark: Yeah, that's cause it is, Gerald. Gerald, you haven't lost it, you're just setting your standards too high. You still got a great handshake.
Bruce: Oooooh . . . [mimes a handshake]
Dave: Oh, look at that one!
Mark: Now let's get back to it, shall we? Gwen, I thought I told you to send Gerald in here.
Kevin: Oh. Isn't he in there?
Mark: Yes, he is!
[Dave, Bruce, and Mark laugh]
Bruce: I only brought you this deal, pus-head, cause your wife phoned me drunk and begged me.
[Bruce, Dave, and Mark laugh]