Businessman Slump

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Shira
Cast: Mark: Sandy.

Woman: Yes?

Mark: Uh, have you memorized that phone book yet?

Woman: No, I'll work on it, sir.

[Mark and Dave laugh]

Dave: That's great. What you're doing, it's great.

[Mark and Dave laugh]

Mark: Hang on, hang on, hang on. Sandy?

Woman: Yes?

Mark: Call someone who's never called me and tell them I'm returning their call.

[Mark and Dave laugh]

Mark: Okay, Sandy?

Kevin: Um, Sandy just quit.

Mark: What?

Kevin: I'm your new secretary, Gwen.

Mark: Ah, that's great, Gwen. Uh, listen, Gwen, I'm hungry.

Kevin: Would you like some food, sir?

Mark: Uh, no just send in my next appointment.

[pause -- Dave is confused]

Mark: I'm saying we're gonna eat him alive.

[Dave and Mark laugh]

Mark: Gerald!

Bruce: Gerald, you old cholesterol sponge!

Mark: Gerald, you old number-spewing poo-head, how are ya?

[Bruce, Dave, and Mark laugh]

Mark: Gerald, have you met my assistant, Tim? He's sitting right there. Look.

Bruce: I'm not sure if I have. [Bruce walks over to Dave, inspects him, looks inside his mouth] No, I can honestly say I've never met this man.

Mark: Okay, well then, Gerald, meet Tim. Tim, Gerald.

[They shake hands. Bruce, Dave, and Mark laugh]

Mark: Okay, let's stop smiling. And negotiate. [They sit]. Gerald, you start.

Bruce: Uhhhhhhhhh . . .

Mark: All right, I'll start. Gerald, whatever your opening position is, I find it insulting! Get the hell out of my office!

Bruce: Okay. [he gets up to leave]

Mark: Gerald! This is where you come back at me.

Bruce: Oh, I forgot. Here, why don't you take these baseball tickets.

Mark: Oh, that's better, way to butter me up, you old ruth -- Gerald, these tickets are three years old. What gives?


Bruce: I've lost it, Gerald. I'm no longer any good at negotiating. I keep forgetting whose client is who, I'm no good with, uh, numbers, as a matter of fact, if you were to take off my suit jacket right now you'd find semi-circles of sweat forming under my armpits because I'm so nervous, I'm really bad at--

[Dave tries to open his briefcase]

Bruce: --aaaaaaah! social graces, as a matter of fact my briefcase is empty. It's a bluff. There's nothing in there at all; it's been empty for weeks. And I realize as I'm telling you all this in the midst of a gloves off, bare knuckles, winner takes all negotiation that perhaps I shouldn't be telling you this.

Mark: How so, Gerald?

Bruce: Well, pointing out all my disadvantages might put you at an advantage.

Mark and Dave: Ohhh . . .

Mark: Well, Gerald, I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, as a testament to how bad we are, you're still here. We haven't thrown you out yet. No, Gerald, you know, just now, I was watching your lips move but really I was thinking about what to eat for lunch, you know? And now I'm sorta looking out that window and I'm wondering, `how much does that building weigh,' and now I'm thinking, `could I box a few rounds if I had to save my life, you know, take someone to the mat,' and now I'm thinking about having an affair with my secretary and I don't even know what she looks like. Gerald, I haven't heard a word you said.

Bruce: That's great, really great.

Dave: I love business meetings! Aren't they something, huh? Us in our suits, I mean, don't we look great as a group of business *guys*? You know, sittin' around drinking coffee brought to us by somebody who's afraid of losing their job, maybe someone grabs a pencil and gets it into their head to [tap, tap] tap on a desk with it. Intercoms, memos, useless interjections -- hey, like this one! Boy!

Bruce: Boy, the kid makes it sound . . . so ultra-fine.

Mark: Yeah, that's cause it is, Gerald. Gerald, you haven't lost it, you're just setting your standards too high. You still got a great handshake.

Bruce: Oooooh . . . [mimes a handshake]

Dave: Oh, look at that one!

Mark: Now let's get back to it, shall we? Gwen, I thought I told you to send Gerald in here.

Kevin: Oh. Isn't he in there?

Mark: Yes, he is!

[Dave, Bruce, and Mark laugh]

Bruce: I only brought you this deal, pus-head, cause your wife phoned me drunk and begged me.

[Bruce, Dave, and Mark laugh]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video