Ever Beat Up Your Dad?

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[Mark, Bruce, Kevin, Scott, and Dave are seated around a table making sandwiches.]

Bruce: Shelly Long!

Mark: That's who that is.

Bruce: That's been driving me crazy.

Scott: Hey, any of you guys ever beat up your dad?

[Assorted "What?"s.]

Dave: What are you talking about?

Scott: Ever beat up your dad?

Dave: No, I haven't.

[Chorus of "No"s.]

Scott: Not once?

Kevin: No.

Scott: Surely you thought about it, though.

All: Well. . .

Scott: Yeah, I thought so. Okay.

Dave: Well, maybe.

Scott: If you were going to do it, right, do you think you could take him? Could you beat up your old man? Think about it.

Dave: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I could take him. I guess I could beat up my father. Course he's seventy.

Kevin: I couldn't do it. But I'm just uncomfortable with emotion. That's my problem.

Bruce: But, I know your father. I think Hammy's been asking for it for years.

[Kevin nods.]

Mark: I don't know. My dad? He's wily. He's one wily commuter, you know?

Scott: Really. Can't be that wily, Mark. If you were going to try it, though, right? How would you do it? Just what if.

Dave: Yeah, what if, just what if?

Mark: Drunk, at a wedding. Ask him to dance. Get him out on the dance floor and then Pow! [Stands and kicks leg] Stay down, please sir!

[All laugh.]

Kevin: Good one.

Dave: Ah. I guess I'd wait till he was in the den.

[Assorted "yeah"s.]

Dave: Yeah, wait till he's in the den watching "Alf," eating off a t.v. tray, wearing those slippers.

[Assorted "yeah"s.]

Dave: And then I, and then I'd blind him with salt, bash him on the head with the channel changer and, and then I'd take down that big marlin over the bar. You know that stuffed marlin I've been staring at all my life. I'd take that baby down and, well, no more "Alf" today daddy.

Kevin: Oh, ho! . . .I'd let him beat me up.

All: What?

Kevin: Oh, and then I'd let his guilt tear him apart.

Dave: [not buying it] I don't. . .

Mark: No. Excuse me, sorry.

Dave: . . .know.

Mark: No, that counts. Passive aggressive. That counts.

Kevin: Oh, yes. Oh, we can be bastards, too. Oh yes, sir. Yes.

Bruce: I'd drop from a tree. It's so obvious I'd have to get the jump on old Ian. I'd sleep in the tree; and then I'd wait till he was going to work; and then I'd just fall. And then I'd pick up some of his lawn and club him with it. I'd shame him with his own lawn! And, and as he stood there with his corduroy pants wiggling like legs of a sick insect I'd take the chip off my shoulder and shove it down his throat!

Kevin: Ho ho!

Mark: That's pretty.

Dave: That's really nice.

Mark: That's good.

Scott: Ha ha ha.

Dave: [to Scott] What about you?

Scott: Me?

Dave and Kevin: Yeah.

Scott: Beat up my father? Are you kidding? I love me dad, guys. Okay?

Dave: We all love our fathers.

[Rest reaffirm Dave's statement.]

Scott: Oh, you do, do you? Well, have you ever told him that?

[Chorus of "no"s.]

Mark: He doesn't want to hear that.

Kevin: How embarrassing.

Scott: Yeah, yeah, really? Well, if you ever had the guts, how would you do it?

Mark: Drunk at a wedding. Ask him to dance. Get him out on the dance floor and then Pow! I love you daddy.

Kevin: I'd get my mom to do it.

Scott: Coward.

All [but Kevin, of course]: Coward.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video