Guy That Wants To Get Beaten Up

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[A subway station platform. Two thugs are holding Dave as Bruce beats him up.]

Dave: Help!

[Bruce punches Dave in the stomach, and kicks him in the face while he's bent over. Mark enters, and they stop beating Dave to look at him.]

Mark: Hey! Beatin' up a guy, eh?

[Dave nods, and Bruce punches him in the stomach.]

Dave: Could you go and get help, please?

Mark: Why? Maybe you deserved it.

[Bruce punches Dave in the stomach.]

Mark: Yep, yep, I'm right, eh? No such thing as a victim, nobody's innocent, that's my experience, I find, yeah, yeah. I mean, whadja do, whadja- did you call this guy shorty? D'you call this guy shorty?

[Dave shakes his head.]

Mark: Well, you shouldn't've done that, he's probably the leader of the group, he's probably the leader, I mean, uh, the short guys've always got something to prove, y'ever notice that? Right buddy? You got a chip on your shoulder [points at Bruce], dontcha? You got a chip on your shoulder, right?

[Bruce shakes his head, turns back to Dave, and punches him in the stomach.]

Mark: Hey! Nice one, man.

Bruce: Get outta here!

Dave: Yeah, you asshole.

Mark: You're right, you're right, I am an asshole. And the fact that you're getting the holy hell kicked out of you indicates that you're just like me, huh?

[Dave lunges toward Mark, but the thugs hold him back.]

Mark: That's why you're not getting any sympathy here. I mean, do I deserve to get beat up? An idiot like me? Hell, yes, it's long overdue, hooo-weee! could I get beat up right now, yessir, yessir.

Bruce: Shut up.

Mark: You're right, I should shut up, I should shut up, I should just shut up.

Bruce: I said, shut up!

Mark: Alright, but tell me this: how can you tell, just by lookin' at me, that I hate the kind of music you listen to, I wanna know?

[The thugs let go of Dave.]

Mark: Oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, you're turnin' on me, arentcha? I've seen that look before. I saw that look, two weeks ago I saw that look- has it been two weeks since I've been beaten up? God, I'm overdue.

[The thugs hold Dave again, and start tightening their grip, picking him up off of the ground.]

Bruce: D'you want me to kick your head in?

Mark: Hey, no, that hurts, and besides that, [pulls a wad of money from his pocket] I just got paid, eh? Just got paid, y'know, in cash, and I certainly wouldn't-

[The thugs drop Dave on the ground and start to advance toward Mark.]

Mark: Uh-oh, there I go thinkin' out loud again, eh? The straw that broke the camel's back, right? I know what you're thinkin', [pointing at Bruce] eh- you're thinkin', boy, this'd buy me a lot of, uh, platform shoes, [reaches out with his left hand to mess up Bruce's hair] eh shorty?

[Bruce grabs Mark's right arm, takes the money from his hand, and hits Mark in the face with his own hand. Bruce steps back, as the two thugs move toward Mark. Dave can be seen in the background, sneaking away.]

Mark: Oh, the floodgates've opened, unless you two guys [points at the thugs] are friggin' cowards, is that-

[The thugs beat up Mark, as Bruce counts the money he's stolen.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video