Bruce, The Defendant

Transcribed from: Comedy Central [with closed captioning on]
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: Scott: [pounding gavel] Okay okay let's get this one going.

[Kevin talking to Bruce at desk.]

Kevin: Now remember when I put you on that stand, look in my eyes, always look in my--

Bruce: --The jury.

Kevin: The jury? What's wrong?

Bruce: It's made up entirely of my ex-girlfriends.

Kevin: Uh oh!

Bruce: W-when they were selected, didn't you think to ask, "Were you ever fucked over by the accused?"

Kevin: No...I never thought...how could I know?

Bruce: Well, you should have.

Scott: [pounding gavel] Okay, enough chattering. Let's go. The plaintiff, [close up on a woman smoking] Miss Leslie Peters, accuses the defendant, Mr. Bruce McCulloch, of being an asshole--on more than one occasion. How do you plead?

Kevin: Guilty, your honor.

Bruce: --but with various good excuses.

["Ooh!"s from the jury.]

Bruce: [walks over to them to explain himself] No, it's true!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video