Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[In a bathroom. The five Kids are seated in a semi-circle left to right in order listed above. All have their legs crossed.]
- Dave Foley: Nathan
- Scott Thompson: Tom
- Kevin McDonald: unnamed chat leader
- Bruce McCulloch: Tony
- Mark McKinney: Gerry
- Garry Campbell: Andy
Kevin: Wow! Isn't everybody quiet? You all seem so serious. C'mon, we should talk. Gerry, why don't you tell us about your week.
Mark: [answers quickly] It was all right.
Kevin: "It was all right." C'mon, Gerry. Share.
Mark: [borderline crying] But, I hurt so much.
Bruce: Aw! We all hurt so much.
Mark: But, I'm not as strong as you guys. I think I should go.
Kevin: That would be a mistake, Gerry, and I think you know it.
Mark: But, I really have to go to the bathroom.
Bruce: We all have to go to the bathroom.
Kevin: But, we're not going to go to the bathroom, are we? And why?
All: Because we're not going to be tyrannized by our bladders.
Kevin: All right. And how. . .exactly. . .the tyranny of our bladders. And, how much time have we wasted as bladder slaves?
Scott: Oh Boy. A lot.
Kevin: But, from now on we're going to face it, fight it, and win! But, we have to talk. We have to help each other out. C'mon. C'mon.
Mark: But I *really* think I should go.
Bruce: Well, then, you don't belong here!
Kevin: Excuse me, Tony, but when you first came here you were out of control! You were going three or four times a day!
Bruce: Yeah. Sometimes. . .first thing in the morning. I can't believe I had a life.
Kevin: But, you're living now, aren't you?
Bruce: Oh, now. Now, I'm living free.
Rest: [Applause and reaffirmations of Bruce. Assorted repetitions of "free" and "yes"]
Kevin: Free. Yes. Okay, let's talk about our substitutes--what we're doing instead of going. Tom? What's your substitute?
Scott: Well. . .when things get really bad? I like to think of the ocean.
Kevin: Bad choice. Bad choice.
Scott: Oh boy. . .baaad.
Kevin: Tony, what do you do?
Bruce: Well, uh, my divorce keeps me pretty busy.
Kevin: Works for me, too. Really, Tony. Nathan, what's your substitute?
Dave: [a pause] Well. Uh. Actually. . .I go. I've uh. . .I've been going.
Kevin: [disappointed] And when did you do this last?
Dave: [uncrosses his legs] Well, just before the meeting, actually.
Rest: Ohh. . .
Bruce: You don't belong here!
Dave: [insincere] Well, I'm sorry!
Kevin: [shocked] Wow. C'mon people. Think about that car ride. This car ride is called Life. And if we want to make good time, we're not going to pull over.
Kevin: Okay, Nathan [points at Dave] just pulled over.
Rest [excluding Dave]: Yeah.
Kevin: But, we're not gonna pull over. Right, Tom?
Scott: [smiling sort of goofy-like] Yeaahh.
Kevin: Tom, you went?
Scott: [holding smile] Yeaahh.
Kevin: [stage whispering to Scott] How could you?
Scott: I *had* to; but, it was beautiful.
[Scott looks at Dave and they both nod "yes"]
Scott: And the sound? As it rang off the porcelain? Was like church bells. Church bells ringing on a Sunday Morn. . .with me beside my mom in a big hat.
Kevin: [shocked] Wow.
Kevin: Any more surprises?
[Bruce raises his hand. He looks up at it surprised that it is raised, so he takes it down.]
Kevin: Et tu, Tony?
Bruce: Yeah. Just last night I was, uh, having a drinking contest and I. . .I either won or passed out, whatever. When I woke up, uh, this morning, I was in a puddle of urine. Now, I mean, it wasn't necessarily mine. My theory is that some guy, you know, broke into my trailer, squirreled his way in through the window, went all over me, and left. I mean, it coulda happen, right?
Scott: It happened to me.
Kevin: It happened to me.
Mark: Well it never happened to me!!
Scott: Ohh. . .
Mark: I'm leaving!!
[Mark gets up and walks toward the door, on Dave's side of the stage, with his knees locked together. Kevin goes after him walking the same way.]
Kevin: Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!
[Mark stops and turns around to listen.]
Kevin: Listen to me, Gerry. Listen to me. One--more--month.
Mark: What?!! You're crazy!
Kevin: Am I crazy? Or, am I the sanest person you know?
[Mark leaves. Kevin is staring down at his palms.]
Kevin: [psychotically] A big hat. A--big--hat.
Garry: Excuse me. Isn't this the men's room?
Scott: Ohh. . .
Kevin: Hi. What's your name?
Kevin: Hi Andy.
Rest: [assorted repetitions of "hi" and "hi Andy."]