The Bathroom 12 Step

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [In a bathroom. The five Kids are seated in a semi-circle left to right in order listed above. All have their legs crossed.]

Kevin: Wow! Isn't everybody quiet? You all seem so serious. C'mon, we should talk. Gerry, why don't you tell us about your week.

Mark: [answers quickly] It was all right.

Kevin: "It was all right." C'mon, Gerry. Share.

Mark: [borderline crying] But, I hurt so much.

Bruce: Aw! We all hurt so much.

Mark: But, I'm not as strong as you guys. I think I should go.

Kevin: That would be a mistake, Gerry, and I think you know it.

Mark: But, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Bruce: We all have to go to the bathroom.

Kevin: But, we're not going to go to the bathroom, are we? And why?

All: Because we're not going to be tyrannized by our bladders.

Kevin: All right. And how. . .exactly. . .the tyranny of our bladders. And, how much time have we wasted as bladder slaves?

Scott: Oh Boy. A lot.

Kevin: But, from now on we're going to face it, fight it, and win! But, we have to talk. We have to help each other out. C'mon. C'mon.

Mark: But I *really* think I should go.

Bruce: Well, then, you don't belong here!

Kevin: Excuse me, Tony, but when you first came here you were out of control! You were going three or four times a day!

Bruce: Yeah. Sometimes. . .first thing in the morning. I can't believe I had a life.

Kevin: But, you're living now, aren't you?

Bruce: Oh, now. Now, I'm living free.

Rest: [Applause and reaffirmations of Bruce. Assorted repetitions of "free" and "yes"]

Kevin: Free. Yes. Okay, let's talk about our substitutes--what we're doing instead of going. Tom? What's your substitute?

Scott: Well. . .when things get really bad? I like to think of the ocean.

Rest: Ohh.

Kevin: Bad choice. Bad choice.

Scott: Oh boy. . .baaad.

Kevin: Tony, what do you do?

Bruce: Well, uh, my divorce keeps me pretty busy.

Rest: Yeah.

Kevin: Works for me, too. Really, Tony. Nathan, what's your substitute?

Dave: [a pause] Well. Uh. Actually. . .I go. I've uh. . .I've been going.

Kevin: [disappointed] And when did you do this last?

Dave: [uncrosses his legs] Well, just before the meeting, actually.

Rest: Ohh. . .

Bruce: You don't belong here!

Dave: [insincere] Well, I'm sorry!

Scott: Jeez.

Kevin: [shocked] Wow. C'mon people. Think about that car ride. This car ride is called Life. And if we want to make good time, we're not going to pull over.

Scott: No.

Kevin: Okay, Nathan [points at Dave] just pulled over.

Rest [excluding Dave]: Yeah.

Kevin: But, we're not gonna pull over. Right, Tom?

Scott: [smiling sort of goofy-like] Yeaahh.

Kevin: Tom, you went?

Scott: [holding smile] Yeaahh.

Kevin: [stage whispering to Scott] How could you?

Scott: I *had* to; but, it was beautiful.

[Scott looks at Dave and they both nod "yes"]

Scott: And the sound? As it rang off the porcelain? Was like church bells. Church bells ringing on a Sunday Morn. . .with me beside my mom in a big hat.

Kevin: [shocked] Wow.

Scott: Yeah--"wow."

Kevin: Any more surprises?

[Bruce raises his hand. He looks up at it surprised that it is raised, so he takes it down.]

Kevin: Et tu, Tony?

Bruce: Yeah. Just last night I was, uh, having a drinking contest and I. . .I either won or passed out, whatever. When I woke up, uh, this morning, I was in a puddle of urine. Now, I mean, it wasn't necessarily mine. My theory is that some guy, you know, broke into my trailer, squirreled his way in through the window, went all over me, and left. I mean, it coulda happen, right?

Scott: It happened to me.

Kevin: It happened to me.

Mark: Well it never happened to me!!

Scott: Ohh. . .

Mark: I'm leaving!!

[Mark gets up and walks toward the door, on Dave's side of the stage, with his knees locked together. Kevin goes after him walking the same way.]

Kevin: Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!

[Mark stops and turns around to listen.]

Kevin: Listen to me, Gerry. Listen to me. One--more--month.

Mark: What?!! You're crazy!

Kevin: Am I crazy? Or, am I the sanest person you know?

[Mark leaves. Kevin is staring down at his palms.]

Kevin: [psychotically] A big hat. A--big--hat.

[Garry enters.]

Garry: Excuse me. Isn't this the men's room?

Scott: Ohh. . .

Kevin: Hi. What's your name?

Garry: Andy.

Kevin: Hi Andy.

Rest: [assorted repetitions of "hi" and "hi Andy."]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video