Dave: Bad Doctor

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by: schen@a1.mec.mass.edu
Dave: Wanna know something? I'm a bad doctor. I'm not boasting. I mean, who would? Just stating a fact that I've never really gotten the hang of the whole healing-the-sick thing. And don't interpret this as some sort of false modesty. No, I'm homogeneously unqualified to practice medicine in any capacity. I *really* don't have a clue. And no one could be more shocked than me that I've been allowed to rise to a position of such importance and responsibility.

I guess it all started in high school where I was a very bad science student. One day when we were supposed to be dissecting a frog, I accidentally disassembled my desk. Oh, but, you know, I was a popular kid. You know, the other students were always eager to help me out. So you know, during a test whenever I'd get that *confused* look on my face - which was invariably - well, the cheat notes would just start flying! Even the teachers would start whispering answers, you know, *ahem* mitochondria... But I didn't worry about it. I figured, how far could you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!

They just offered me the job of Chief of Surgery. Apparently, I've logged more hours in surgery than any other man my age. Four thousand hours this year alone. What no one seems to have noticed that it was all with the same patient.

Oh, I want to show you something. You know what this is? Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me! I don't know what to do with it! I've got a fridge full of this stuff. I mean, I suppose I could send it out to the lab, but they'd only send back a lot of test results that I couldn't possibly understand.

The only thing I'm actually sorta good at is referrals. You know that thing where doctors send patients to other doctors. Well, I'm the king of referrals. What I do is I call the, uh, the sick person into my office, and I stare for a long time really seriously at this blank sheet of paper. Then I say, "Hmmm. I'd like you to see someone. He's a specialist in this area." (laughs) There are specialists who have their whole career based on my referrals. I am the cornerstone of a medical empire. (sighs) Well, I really should be going. I've gotta tell the family that the patient didn't make it - hardest part of being a doctor...I think!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video