Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Renee Messick
[Setting: Inside of Diner. Bruce sits at a round table. Dave enters.]
- Bruce- Ken
- Dave- Roy
- Scott- Waiter
Dave: Hey Ken, How are you doing? [Dave Sits]
Bruce: Roy! What brings you to this neck of the woods?
Dave: You invited me.
[Scott enters and sets mug of coffee on the table in front of Bruce.]
Scott: Here you go.
Bruce: What's this?
Bruce: Great! I was just thinking about how much I would love a cup of coffee. Thank whoever sent it to me. Thank you Thank you!
Scott: Uh, you ordered it sir. I assume you are paying for it.
Dave: I'm just going to have a soda.
Bruce: And I would love a cup of coffee.
Scott: Another one?
Bruce: Heh whatever makes you happy.
[Scott shrugs and walks away.]
Bruce: Duh. So Roy, what's new?
Dave: [excited] Well I just heard the wildest story...
Bruce: [interrupting] Great! What else is happening?
Dave: [baffled] Don't you want to hear my story?
Bruce: 'Course; I love stories.
Dave: Okay, so there's a guy right.
Bruce: Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Ok uh, got it.
Dave: Ok so there's a guy.
Bruce: Ok hold it. This guy you just mentioned. Is it the same guy as before or a new guy?
Dave: Same guy. Same guy.
Bruce: Ok hold it. This guy we've been talking about, Does this gentleman have a name?
Bruce: [rubs his hands together] All right, now we're cooking with gas, Roy.
Dave: So Tony--
Bruce: You lost me.
Dave: What? Oh that's the guy's name. Tony.
Bruce: [blank pause] Got it.
Dave: Ok so, uh, uh so Tony has this girlfriend named Betty and the two of--
Bruce: Stop, hold it, desist, hold it. Is this a story about Tony or Betty?
Dave: Both of them are in the story. So--
Bruce: Well previously you said this was a story about Tony.
Dave: Its a story about--There's two people in the story. What's so hard about that?
Bruce: Well it's getting all crazy now.
Dave: No it's not getting crazy it's just two people in a story! Tony and Betty are in the story, ok?
Bruce: Well you know what? It sounds like you're making it up.
Dave: I haven't said anything!
Bruce: Wow! Look at this [begins drinking his coffee]
Dave: Well, there's a guy--
Bruce: And he sent me coffee? How gracious! Thank you Thank you [to the room]
Dave: No no in the story. There's a guy in the story. You can understand that can't you?
Dave: Great, okay, so there's a guy.
Bruce: You lost me.
Dave: [Yelling] There's a guy!
Dave: Named Tony.
Bruce: Mmm hmm.
Dave: And his girlfriend's name...
Together: --is Betty.
Dave: All right okay and so the two of them are--
Bruce: Ok hold it. I'm going to stop you here.
Dave: [At the same time as Bruce says the above; in a whiny tone] Why are you going to stop me?
Bruce: I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to take it personally but you aren't a very good storyteller are you?
Dave: [Angry, and yelling] I haven't even gotten to the story yet!
Bruce: What does that tell you about the way things are going?
[Scott re-enters and places Dave's soda and Bruce's new coffee on the table.]
Scott: There you are.
Bruce: Excuse me, what is this?
Scott: It's coffee.
Bruce: I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you taking it personally but you aren't a very good waiter are you?
[Scott growls and walks away.]
Bruce: Well there he goes. You know I heard the greatest story.
Dave: [angry still] Oh?
Bruce: There's this guy named Tony.
Bruce: And he's got this girlfriend named Betty.
Bruce: And they're naked.
Dave: [faking interest] Wow.
Bruce: Crazy world eh?
Dave: Yeah crazy world.
Bruce: Hey you brought this table with you? Fits in your car eh?
Bruce: I was in a restaurant once that had a table just like this...