Sid and Sharisse: Too Small to Love

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Meghan (
Cast: [Mark is pacing back and forth smoking, he throws the cigarette down and looks impatient. Bruce comes out the door and they both stare at each other for a few seconds.]

Bruce: Oh, strawberry. [crosses to Mark and they hug]

Mark: My loverboy. Plain and simple you are my loverboy.

Bruce: But can you ever really love a small man?

Mark: Let me tell you something, you are very big.

Bruce: But am I big enough to love?

Mark: Oh God, you're almost too big to love. [he and Bruce "hug" each other again] Oh sugar, oh sugar, oh sugar! [pulls away] Hey, quit it! You're recking my clothes.

Bruce: What?

Mark: You're getting wrinkles all over my clothes. [crosses away from Bruce]

Bruce: You know sometimes I think you love those clothes a little bit more than you love me.

Mark: What are you talking about? I moved from Vancouver for you!

Bruce: Yeah, well I went to bartending school for you!

Mark: Oh God, ya did, didn't ya.

Bruce: You know I did, lilac.

[Brian comes out the door holding a trash bag as Mark and Bruce go to hug again.]

Bruce: Hey, quit trying to break us up!

Mark: Yeah!

[Brian exits, still holding trash.]

Bruce: [brushes off Mark] I gotta fix my back. [turns away, kicks his leg across his body, and a cracking sound is heard] That's better. Now let me hold my perfect Vancouver lily.

Mark: [brushes off Bruce] Cut it out.

Bruce: What?

Mark: You know, sometimes I think you like that back more than you like me.

Bruce: But baby, it's my back! I can't walk without it!

Mark: Well, I left all my friends for you, didn't I! [crosses away from Bruce again]

Bruce: You did, didn't ya.

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: [gets a suspicious/knowing look on his face] You mean Stan, don't ya.

Mark: [makes some indistinguishable noise]

Bruce: I saw you talking to Stan. I know you got the hots for Stan. I'm too little right, I'm too little.

Mark: What are you talking about? Yeah I was talking to Stan, but only to tell him that I love you. I almost told him twice.

Bruce: Ya did?

Mark: Yeah. And I spent my income tax debt fixing your teeth, didn't I?

Bruce: [closes teeth together a few times] Well that's why I went to bartending school for you. So that I can fix you a whiskey-sour!

Mark: Oh God, that's right you can make a whiskey-sour. [yelling while crossing to Bruce] He can make a whiskey-sour!

Bruce: [pushes Mark's arms off him] Hey, no!

Mark: What?

Bruce: Baby, don't tell the world our business, come on.

Mark: Well I'm just proud.

Bruce: I know, know.

Mark: Besides, what's in a whiskey-sour?

Bruce: Baby, let's not quibble over details. Can't you see I wanna marry you? I wanna marry you.

Mark: [drops Bruce's hand] You won't tell me what's in a whiskey-sour? You're keeping secrets aren't ya.

Bruce: I get it, I'm too little, right? I'm too little to love, I'm too wee I suppose.

Mark: No, it's cuz you're always sleeping with my friends!

Bruce: What, what, what, what are my hands too small for you to marry me, is that it?!

Mark: You know what, I have no friends because of you! [crosses away from Bruce again]

Bruce: Yea, well...

[An old lady walks across and Bruce stares after her while Mark lights a cigarette.]

Bruce: [points] Look baby, the whole world can see that our love is, strong.

Mark: Aww....that's why I would give my last cigarette, to thee. [hold cigarette towards Bruce]

Bruce: [takes cigarette and puffs it a couple times while Mark walks up behind him] But look how freakishly small my hands are. [examining hand]

Mark: Oh God, you know they're almost too big! [quick shot showing the great difference between Mark and Bruce's hands] They're perfect.

Bruce: [Mark puts his arms around him and they being swaying] But can you ever really love a, small man?

Mark: Oh God, you know I love you, don't I?

Bruce: Oh baby, I love you. [quickly turning his head to the side] Hey Stan, how ya doin?!

Mark: [releases Bruce] Hey Stan, how's it goin?

Bruce: I told ya about talking to Stan. I knew ya had a thing for Stan. [drops cigarette then steps on it] I'm gonna have a talk with Stan. Here Stan. [walks off screen]

Mark: Oh gee, don't go beating on Stan, he's almost as big as I am. Put him down, Stan. [walks off screen]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video