Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Meghan (ERADICAT0R101@aol.com)
[Mark is pacing back and forth smoking, he throws the cigarette down and looks impatient. Bruce comes out the door and they both stare at each other for a few seconds.]
- Mark- Sharisse
- Bruce- Sid
- Brian Hartt- Trash guy
Bruce: Oh, strawberry. [crosses to Mark and they hug]
Mark: My loverboy. Plain and simple you are my loverboy.
Bruce: But can you ever really love a small man?
Mark: Let me tell you something, you are very big.
Bruce: But am I big enough to love?
Mark: Oh God, you're almost too big to love. [he and Bruce "hug" each other again] Oh sugar, oh sugar, oh sugar! [pulls away] Hey, quit it! You're recking my clothes.
Mark: You're getting wrinkles all over my clothes. [crosses away from Bruce]
Bruce: You know sometimes I think you love those clothes a little bit more than you love me.
Mark: What are you talking about? I moved from Vancouver for you!
Bruce: Yeah, well I went to bartending school for you!
Mark: Oh God, ya did, didn't ya.
Bruce: You know I did, lilac.
[Brian comes out the door holding a trash bag as Mark and Bruce go to hug again.]
Bruce: Hey, quit trying to break us up!
[Brian exits, still holding trash.]
Bruce: [brushes off Mark] I gotta fix my back. [turns away, kicks his leg across his body, and a cracking sound is heard] That's better. Now let me hold my perfect Vancouver lily.
Mark: [brushes off Bruce] Cut it out.
Mark: You know, sometimes I think you like that back more than you like me.
Bruce: But baby, it's my back! I can't walk without it!
Mark: Well, I left all my friends for you, didn't I! [crosses away from Bruce again]
Bruce: You did, didn't ya.
Bruce: [gets a suspicious/knowing look on his face] You mean Stan, don't ya.
Mark: [makes some indistinguishable noise]
Bruce: I saw you talking to Stan. I know you got the hots for Stan. I'm too little right, I'm too little.
Mark: What are you talking about? Yeah I was talking to Stan, but only to tell him that I love you. I almost told him twice.
Bruce: Ya did?
Mark: Yeah. And I spent my income tax debt fixing your teeth, didn't I?
Bruce: [closes teeth together a few times] Well that's why I went to bartending school for you. So that I can fix you a whiskey-sour!
Mark: Oh God, that's right you can make a whiskey-sour. [yelling while crossing to Bruce] He can make a whiskey-sour!
Bruce: [pushes Mark's arms off him] Hey, no!
Bruce: Baby, don't tell the world our business, come on.
Mark: Well I'm just proud.
Bruce: I know, but....you know.
Mark: Besides, what's in a whiskey-sour?
Bruce: Baby, let's not quibble over details. Can't you see I wanna marry you? I wanna marry you.
Mark: [drops Bruce's hand] You won't tell me what's in a whiskey-sour? You're keeping secrets aren't ya.
Bruce: I get it, I'm too little, right? I'm too little to love, I'm too wee I suppose.
Mark: No, it's cuz you're always sleeping with my friends!
Bruce: What, what, what, what are my hands too small for you to marry me, is that it?!
Mark: You know what, I have no friends because of you! [crosses away from Bruce again]
Bruce: Yea, well...
[An old lady walks across and Bruce stares after her while Mark lights a cigarette.]
Bruce: [points] Look baby, the whole world can see that our love is, strong.
Mark: Aww....that's why I would give my last cigarette, to thee. [hold cigarette towards Bruce]
Bruce: [takes cigarette and puffs it a couple times while Mark walks up behind him] But look how freakishly small my hands are. [examining hand]
Mark: Oh God, you know they're almost too big! [quick shot showing the great difference between Mark and Bruce's hands] They're perfect.
Bruce: [Mark puts his arms around him and they being swaying] But can you ever really love a, small man?
Mark: Oh God, you know I love you, don't I?
Bruce: Oh baby, I love you. [quickly turning his head to the side] Hey Stan, how ya doin?!
Mark: [releases Bruce] Hey Stan, how's it goin?
Bruce: I told ya about talking to Stan. I knew ya had a thing for Stan. [drops cigarette then steps on it] I'm gonna have a talk with Stan. Here Stan. [walks off screen]
Mark: Oh gee, don't go beating on Stan, he's almost as big as I am. Put him down, Stan. [walks off screen]