Wedding Speeches

Part 1

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Rachel Adler
Cast- [Scene- A wedding reception, Bruce and the Man are sitting at the head table as guest make speeches.]

Garry: Uhh, um, uhh, uh, er, umm... [more umm's and uhh's while some guest looks confused]

[Dave walks up to the front next to the man]

Dave: It's ok, it's ok.

Garry: Thank you. [walks off]

Dave: Happens to the best of us. [to the guests] I thought that guy's never shut up. [laughs a bit] I'd like to say something, about the institution of marriage. Now, when I was a young lad, and a young women was getting married, well she was a virgin. [guest start to laugh in a low voice] Now I'm not pointing any fingers, if you weren't a virgin, you didn't get married. Thats the way it was, but thankfully for Cindy times have changed. [Bruce gives him a look] So I'd like to make a toast to the happy couple, and to virgins!

[Old man in the back claps loudly, presumably a virgin himself.]

Part 2

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Sarah Jane Bodell
Cast: [set in a banquet hall, Mark steps up to the podium and begins to talk into mike] Mark: Alright, okay, but, hang on. Before I make my toast to Norm and Cindy, I want to tell you a little story about how they came to meet.

[Bruce giggles, blushes, and hides his face]

Mark: I don't want to boast but you might even call me a sort of.....

Man: Matchmaker?

Mark: Yeah, Matchmaker! So, I guess it's alright to listen to me, alright? [laughs] Ok, a little history. When I was 10, my parents got a divorce. Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to mention that word here. Knock on wood! [knocks on podium] It's not going to happen here. But it happened to me. Now my best friend at my mom's place was a guy named Norm. Who I think is here tonight, is he not? Yes he is! And my best friend at my dad's place was a beautiful young woman named Cindy. And is she here tomight? Yes I think she is! Anyway, flash forward. A few years later I realize that these 2 friends of mine had never met, and that they were perfect for each other, right? So, I had a little party. I invited some friends, some of you are here today, so that these two special people in my life could meet. Now, we're at the party, it's getting late, I'm on the balcony, I look down in the garden and I see Norm & Cindy talking, but just talking! I'm thinking, "Come on, Norm! Go for it, man! Kiss her!" [laughs] But, um, So I went down to the garden, I walked by them, I didn't say a word, and I hipchecked Norm into Cindy. When I got up to the top of the house again and I looked down, they were kissing. A couple of months later they got engaged and here they are married and I'M STILL SINGLE! I mean, what's wrong with me? I'm so lonely! I really am!

[Lady tries to calm him down]

Mark: Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I can't underst..... Mommy? Daddy? Mommy? Daddy?

[Mark walks away in confusion crying loudly]

[Bruce begins to clink spoon against glass, the rest of the wedding party soon join in.]

[Scene ends with the "bride and groom" kissing.]

Part 3

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tanya Doroslovac
Cast: Scott: ...and that, good people, is how I came to my decision to remain celibate. [applause] Thank you. Okay. And now, let us raise our glass in a toast to yet another happy couple. And maybe-

Kevin: I object.

Scott: Uh, pardon?

Kevin: Earlier you said if someone had a reason why these two shouldn't be married, they should speak up. Well I have a reason. And I think it's a good one.

Man: What?

Scott: Yes my son, but you should have done it two hours ago.

Kevin: Don't be such a nitpicker, priesty boy! Okay, this is my objection. It will come to no surprise to anyone here that Cindy, the lovely bride and I had an intense and sustained flirtation.

Bruce: What? Well, no.

[muttering from the crowd]

Bruce: All right, okay, okay.

Kevin: Oh, we'd get really close, and we'd almost get there, but then she said, "I don't want a relationship!" "Who wants a relationship?" And then when I looked the other way, she met another finger... guy. Now she's marrying that finger guy. But hey! I'm a reasonable man! And I will allow this 'celebration of love' to continue... But under one condition! That you, Cindy, meet me in the back room for five minutes! Five minutes of hard pumping!

Bruce: Wait, no!

[enraged crowd talking]

Kevin: Come on Cindy! You owe me! You owe me! You owe me!

Scott: People! Brothers and sisters! Please! We are so quick to judge, aren't we? This man is obviously in pain.

Kevin: Pain!

Scott: Have we not all had the pain of unrequited love? From people, women, choirs and the like? Yet this is a sacred time! And I believe-

Bruce: All right, we'll do it. We'll do it right here on the head table. Is that what you want?

Kevin: In front of everyone?

Bruce: Yeah, you got five minutes. Let's go, come on.

Scott: 'Kay, I'll keep the time.

Kevin: To the bride and groom!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video