Bruce: Minimum Wage

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by:
[Camera fixed on a sign that says, "Human Resources." Pan down to Bruce, seated in a swivel chair on an empty set.]

Bruce: Huh? What? Are you kidding? Are you pulling my legs till my ears don't work? Let me get this straight, so I can laugh until I get old and die. You want *me* to work for minimum wage? Right? Huh?

And let me guess, you get the rest of the money, say maximum wage? Oh, do I get to wear a paper hat, too?

Minimum wage, hmm. Maybe I missed something, but I thought Abraham Lincoln had freed the slaves. And even slaves didn't have to pay off their student loans.

You know what? It's my fault. It truly is. See, I should have checked the mirror before I left the house this morning, because I obviously have the word "dork" stenciled on my forehead.

Hmm. Minimum wage. [swivels in chair] Do I want to work for as little money as legally possible? Let me carefully consider your offer. Oh, I've got the answer here in the pocket of my 350 dollar suit jacket.

[Pulls out his hand, middle finger extended, with an evil grin on his face.]

Listen. Listen. I don't get out of bed for less than a hundred. And, if you want me dressed, it's another fifty. [chuckles]

Minimum wage? Why don't you ask your wife to work for minimum wage? Why don't *you* work for minimum wage, Pete Brownshoes? You know, it would be a better career move if I just got drunk and sold my blood. [chuckles]

Minimum wage? That's not a salary; that's an honorarium. But, listen--if the universe collapses and I decide that dignity isn't as important as . . . starving, then I'll think about it. Yeah, right. Ha ha ha [swivels around and laughs maniacally until scene fades.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video