Scott's In Love

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Kevin and Dave pace back and forth backstage. Mark stands behind them, and Bruce sits over to the right.]

Kevin: No no no no, it was Shelly Long.

Dave: Kirstie Alley.

Kevin: Shelly Long.

Dave: No, it was Kirstie Alley.

Kevin: No, it was Sh-

Bruce: No, it was Beethoven.

Dave and Kevin: Beethoven, yes! [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th] Da da da da, da da da da!

[Scott enters from the right, wearing a bathrobe and slippers.]

Scott: Hi, guys.

Kevin: Hey Scott, how ya doin'?

Scott: I'm good, good, good, so you're all here, that's great.

Dave: Yeah, so uh, what's up?

Scott: Okay, uh, I wanted to call an emergency troupe meeting.

[The other four groan.]

Kevin: Emergency troupe meeting?

Bruce: Scott, remember the last time you called an emergency troupe meeting? It was to announce that you didn't believe in emergency troupe meetings?

Scott: This isn't easy, Bruce!

Dave: Well.

Kevin: What is it, Scott?

Scott: Okay, I have an announcement to make. I'm gay.

Bruce: And?

Scott: I'm starting slowly, okay. I'm gay, and, uh, I'm over 30.

Dave: And?

Scott: Okay. I'm gay, I'm over 30, and I'm in love with someone in this room.

Kevin: Oh God.

Bruce: Oh Scott, I'm flattered, I saw you looking at me when I was doing pushups. It's my fault guys, I'm a guys' guy, I- I drink bourbon, I spit, I sweat, I-

Scott: It's not you, Bruce.

Bruce: It isn't? But I'm a guys' guy.

Scott: Sure you are, Bruce, sure you are.

Mark: Wait a minute - it's me! That's why you haven't called me at home in three years - you're trying to hide your love for me! Wait a minute - you're all in love with me!

All except Mark: No!

Mark: No?

[Bruce shakes his head at Mark.]

Dave: Oh, wait a minute, this is so typical. You haven't given me a second glance in seven years, but the minute I get a ring on my finger, you're all over me.

Scott: Next!

[The others gasp, and Kevin looks shocked.]

Bruce: Kevin? Not Kevin, he can't even do one pushup!

[Kevin walks toward Scott as he speaks.]

Kevin: I'm not gay. Then again, I never used to like asparagus, and I do now.

Scott: It's not you, Kevin.

[Kevin walks back to where he was sitting, muttering under his breath.]

Kevin: Of course, I knew it wasn't me, how could it be me?

[Dave pats Kevin on the back, and Kevin sits back down.]

Mark: It's you!

Scott: What?

Mark: You're in love with yourself, aren't you, you egomaniac?

[They all act disgusted.]

Scott: Oh, oh come on, would you grow up, it's not me, it's you!

Mark: What are you talking about?

Scott: Well, individually I think you're all misses.

Dave: Yeah.

Kevin: Of course we are.

Scott: Together, you form the perfect man!

All except Scott: What?

Scott: Well, look at Bruce here, with his athleticism and ability to drink. [gestures toward Dave] Dave, with his flirty eyes [Dave flashes his baby blues at the camera] and even greater ability to drink. Mark, of course, for his incredible abdominal muscles.

[Mark giggles and raises his shirt to reveal a very nice (and obviously fake) 6-pack.]

Scott: And Kevin, well, Kevin for his soul.

Kevin: Not something physical?

Scott: No, sorry.

Kevin: Sure, sure.

[Mark pats Kevin on the back.]

Scott: So, what do you think? There he is.

[Scott picks up a picture and holds it. They gather around to look over his shoulder, point, and "ooh" and "aah."]

Dave: Oh, he does have my eyes.

Bruce: My runner's legs.

Mark: Look!

[Marks points at the center of the picture, and they all gasp.]

Mark: Whose is that?

Scott: Oh, nobody here. It's just- just a dream I had.

[Scott puts the picture down, facedown.]

Scott: Oh, so, uh, how about it? You guys gonna do it for me, y'know?

Dave: Do what?

Scott: Okay, well, I have this friend who's a surgeon - well, he's not really a surgeon, he's more of an anarchist who's into industrial music, but he's a surgeon of sorts - and, anyways, he owes me a favor or two, and he is willing to put together this man that I love for me.

All except Scott: What?

Dave: Are you out of your mind?

Scott: So you're not gonna do it, then?

All except Scott: No!

[They all start to walk away.]

Scott: So I don't get anything I want, then?

All except Scott: No!

[The others all walk off.]

Scott: So I'm foiled again! Well, parts of you will be sorry! The only thing worse than being young and in love is being not-so-young and in love. Well, back to my dream.

[Scott picks up the picture and looks at it again.]

Scott: Oooh!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video