Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Rachele Rouquie
[Scene is in a diner sort of restaurant, where a couple is arguing loudly, and annoying the other customers.]
- Bruce- Some obnoxious guy
- Mark- Our Hero
- Girl- Bruce's girlfriend
Girl: SHUT UP!
Bruce: No...why don't you shut up, eh?
Girl: Blab, blab, blab, blab...always blabbing.
Bruce: No, I'm not always blabbing. Why don't you just shut up, Alright?
Girl: Keep your voice down, everyone's looking.
Bruce: Nobody's looking, nobody can hear me, WHAT do I care anyway?
Girl: Ok, I'm full.
Bruce: NO, I'm staying here, I love this place.
[Mark looks over his shoulder now and a few more times during Bruce's next lines.]
Bruce: I'm a hero to these people! Hey, look at me! I'm the king! Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Girl: Keep Your Voice Down!
Bruce: I'm a hero to these people!
Bruce: Why don't you shut up? You're smokin, you're eating, you're drinkin, you're talkin...you're makin me nuts with all your consumption!
[People, including Nick McKinney, are shrugging at Mark.]
Mark: [to people] I'm gonna say something.
[Mark turns around.]
Mark: [Stands up] Do you mind?
[Bruce makes pissed off face.]
- There ARE other people here.
- Are you Lyle Hershecker's brother?
- [Sarcastically.] Walk erect much?
- Cut that CRAP out...
[Bruce punches Mark in the face, Mark goes flying.]
[Mark falls down, looks around.]
Mark: [Confused] What?
[Mark stands up.]
[Bruce and the girl are now making out loudly and grossly.]
[Mark looks over, gathers his stuff, and starts to leave.]
-Think what you just did...THINK!
-Come on, let's go. [Taking off coat.]
-I donnnn speak Eeenglish.
-[Still taking off coat.]
-I love you...
-[Coat off] Let's go!
- *Kissy noises*
[Bruce makes the pissed off face again...we hear POW!!!]
[Scene changes to a hospital, A Nurse walks in to Mark.]
Mark: Hi. [Holding a compress to his Very Bloody Nose]
Nurse: Alright, so what do we have here?
Mark: [Points] Broken Nose...
Nurse: Have a little look at this...
[She grabs his jaw and moves his face around. She touches his nose, and Mark flinches in pain and says OW!]
Nurse: An ALMOST broken nose.
Nurse: So, how did this happen?
-[Seriously] I was trying to make a difference in this world.
-Well,[shrugs] my nephews 7, he's quite a tiger as I found out...[grimaces]
-I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!
-[All sexily] Who's asking?
-[Deadpan domestic violence victim-like] I fell down while making some toast.
-[Crying] Fuckin, bike couriers, man...fuckin bike couriers.
-[Waves hand, nonchalantly] You don't wanna know...
Nurse: Fair enough, Okay now...this may hurt a little bit.
[The nurse grabs his jaw and his nose and twists them. We hear a HUGE crack.]
[Mark gasps horribly and falls over.]
Nurse: [sigh....] Barry, he fainted, can you get some salts? I said he fainted! I need some salts!