What If Guy

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Rachele Rouquie
Cast- [Scene is in a diner sort of restaurant, where a couple is arguing loudly, and annoying the other customers.]

Girl: SHUT UP!

Bruce: No...why don't you shut up, eh?

Girl: Blab, blab, blab, blab...always blabbing.

Bruce: No, I'm not always blabbing. Why don't you just shut up, Alright?

Girl: Keep your voice down, everyone's looking.

Bruce: Nobody's looking, nobody can hear me, WHAT do I care anyway?

Girl: Ok, I'm full.

Bruce: NO, I'm staying here, I love this place.

[Mark looks over his shoulder now and a few more times during Bruce's next lines.]

Bruce: I'm a hero to these people! Hey, look at me! I'm the king! Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Girl: Keep Your Voice Down!

Bruce: I'm a hero to these people!

Girl: Shaddup!

Bruce: Why don't you shut up? You're smokin, you're eating, you're drinkin, you're talkin...you're makin me nuts with all your consumption!

[People, including Nick McKinney, are shrugging at Mark.]

Mark: [to people] I'm gonna say something.

[Mark turns around.]

Bruce: WHAT?

Mark: [Stands up] Do you mind?

[Bruce makes pissed off face.]

[Thinks again]
[Stands up]
- There ARE other people here.
[Stands up]
- Are you Lyle Hershecker's brother?
[Stands up]
- [Sarcastically.] Walk erect much?
[Stands up.]
[Stands up]
- Cut that CRAP out...

[Bruce punches Mark in the face, Mark goes flying.]

[Mark falls down, looks around.]

Mark: [Confused] What?

[Mark stands up.]

[Bruce and the girl are now making out loudly and grossly.]

[Mark looks over, gathers his stuff, and starts to leave.]

Bruce: WHAT?

Mark: What?

Bruce: WHAT!?!?!

-Think what you just did...THINK!
-Come on, let's go. [Taking off coat.]
-I donnnn speak Eeenglish.
-[Still taking off coat.]
-I love you...
-[Coat off] Let's go!
- *Kissy noises*

[Bruce makes the pissed off face again...we hear POW!!!]

[Scene changes to a hospital, A Nurse walks in to Mark.]

Mark: Hi. [Holding a compress to his Very Bloody Nose]

Nurse: Alright, so what do we have here?

Mark: [Points] Broken Nose...

Nurse: Have a little look at this...

[She grabs his jaw and moves his face around. She touches his nose, and Mark flinches in pain and says OW!]

Nurse: An ALMOST broken nose.

Mark: Oh?

Nurse: So, how did this happen?

-[Seriously] I was trying to make a difference in this world.
[Thinks again]
-Well,[shrugs] my nephews 7, he's quite a tiger as I found out...[grimaces]
-[All sexily] Who's asking?
-[Deadpan domestic violence victim-like] I fell down while making some toast.
-[Crying] Fuckin, bike couriers, man...fuckin bike couriers.
-[Waves hand, nonchalantly] You don't wanna know...

Nurse: Fair enough, Okay now...this may hurt a little bit.

Mark: What......?

[The nurse grabs his jaw and his nose and twists them. We hear a HUGE crack.]

[Mark gasps horribly and falls over.]

Nurse: [sigh....] Barry, he fainted, can you get some salts? I said he fainted! I need some salts!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video