Mr. Tisane: The Tea Factory

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by: zubr002@tc.umn.edu
Cast: [Scene: A Tea shop. Mark is behind the counter as Kevin enters and approaches the counter.]

Mark: Hi! Can I help you?

Kevin: Yes.

Mark: Good. That's a start. What can I get you?

Kevin: Can I have a tea, please?

Mark: Sorry... what?

Kevin: Can I have a tea please, Chamomile tea?

Mark: Sorry... can't hear what you're saying.

Kevin: Tea... I'd like a tea.

Mark: You want a tea?

Kevin: Yes. Chamomile tea.

Mark: Then ask me.

Kevin: I am asking you.

Mark: Nah-nah, I'm not going to get you a tea when you ask me like that. You're being a wimp about it. C'mon, ask me for a tea!

Kevin: Can I have a tea?

Mark: Can I have a tea what?

Kevin: Can I have a tea please?

Mark: All right. Now ask me.

Kevin: I am asking you.

Mark: Louder.

Kevin: Can I have a tea please?

Mark: Nah-nah, I'm not going to get you a tea when you ask me like that, you wimp. C'mon, come at me.

Kevin: Can I have a tea please?

Mark: C'mon, come AT me.

Kevin: Can I have a tea please?

Mark: Be a man about it.

Kevin: I am a man.

Mark: Here try this. (Mark hands Kevin an amplified bullhorn)

Kevin: (Just as loud) Can I have a tea please? Chamomile tea.

Mark: Do it again.

Kevin: (Even more quietly) Can I have a tea please? Chamomile tea.

(Mark takes the bullhorn away)

Mark: Look... Try gimme a tea. GIMME a tea! C'mon, say gimme a tea!

Kevin: Gimme a tea, please?

Mark: Nah-nah, drop the please.

Kevin: You told me to put it in earlier.

Mark: Forget it! Say, "Gimme a tea, you bastard!" Try that!

Kevin: Gimme a tea , you bastard.

Mark: There. All right, now say it like I killed you dog. Pretend I killed your dog.

Kevin: I don't have a dog.

Mark: I know because I KILLED it! Now c'mon and say it. "Gimme a tea, you bastard, before I beat the crap out of ya." C'mon!

Kevin: (Still meek) Gimme a tea, you bastard, before I beat the crap out of ya.

Mark: Good luck.

Kevin: Gimme a tea, you bastard, before I beat the crap out of ya.

Mark: Yea, yea... Louder.

Kevin: Gimme a TEA, you bastARD, before I BEAT the CRAP out of ya.

(Pause; They look at each other...)

Mark: Okay, I'll get you a tea.

Kevin: (In normal meek voice) Chamomile tea. (Mark looks at Kevin with contempt) YA bastard.

(Mark gets him a cup of hot water with a tea bag on the side.)

Mark: Here you go.

Kevin: (Extends his hand to shake and picks up the saucer of tea with his other hand) Thank you.

Mark: (Reaches and grasps Kevin's hand) Hey, your welcome.

(They stand there without releasing their grasp.)

Mark: Let go of my hand.

Kevin: You let go of my hand.

Mark: (Starts jerking his hand away, but Kevin won't let go) I am letting go of your hand. Let go of MY hand.

Kevin: You let go of my hand, you bastard.

Mark: (Still jerking, Kevin's water is splashing all over the counter) Enough, let go of my hand.

Kevin: You let go of my hand.

(Sketch ends with their hands still together).


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video