Tanya at a Party

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto

Part 1

Cast: [There is a crowded party going on. Rock music is playing. Bruce and Scott are sitting on the couch smoking pot.]

[There is a couple making out in the little space between the living room and the kitchen. Mark bumps into them.]

Mark: Watch it, that's how babies happen!

[Mark walks up to the stereo.]

Mark: Anyone mind if I change this music?

[He turns it off and puts on some folky, acoustic type music. Everyone protests.]

Mark: You don't like this? Are you out of your mind you don't like this?

[Dave runs over and puts the rock music back on.]

Mark: Hey!

Bruce: Thank you! [Mark follows Dave to the division between the rooms.]

Mark: Oh, wrong, wrong, wrong!

[Mark notices that Scott is smoking pot and "discreetly" tries to get some. He takes a few last puffs and puts it out.]

Mark: Awww...gee....ohhh....

Scott: Oh, I'm sorry, it's cooked.

Mark: Hey do you think you could--would mind like just selling me a little of that? Do you think?

Bruce: See we can't it's kinda personal stuff.

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Oh I see, yeah but could you just sell me like a little? Just a--

Scott: Aaaah...I don't know, you know. Like we'd love to, but you see there's other people in on it. So it's not just us.

Mark: Oh yeah...but maybe just like a joint's worth or something? Do you think you could?

Bruce: Like maybe later, OK?

Mark: Oh you could? OK, great! I'm Tanya.

Scott: Tan-ya!

Mark: Yeah, nice meeting you.

[Mark walks to the kitchen, but stops for a minute to bother the couple.]

Mark: Wow! Must be love!

[Mark takes a bottle of champagne out of the cereal box and pours some into a glass.]

Dave: Excuse me. I was just wondering where you got the champagne.

Mark: Oh, I got it from the little fridge. I'm hiding it.

Dave: Oh, cuz, you see, that's mine. I was sort of saving that for a special occasion. That's why I had it locked in the little bar fridge.

Mark: That fridge was locked? God, no wonder it was so hard to open.

Dave: You see, you took my champagne.

Mark: Oh, well I'm sorry, do you want it back?

Dave: No, it's half empty now.

Mark: Really? I think it's half full, I guess that makes me an optomist and you a pessimist, huh?

[Dave takes a big bite out of a pickle and turns around.]

Mark: Well there's beer.

[She walks back to the living room, but stops to bother the couple yet again.]

Mark: Remember, you're sleeping with everyone he ever slept with.

[Mark goes to the couch and hands Scott money.]

Mark: Hi. Two bucks.

Scott: What's this?

Mark: For the--uh--pot.

Bruce: [Laughing] Two dollars?

Scott: I mean, we told you that other people were in on it, right?

Mark: Yeah I know, but I just thought you could sell like a joint's worth, you know?

Scott: Well--You're not listening.

[Mark goes and sits down between them on the couch.]

Mark: Now come one now, we're all friends...Come on, couldn't you? Please?

[Bruce gives him a joint.]

Mark: Oh, thanks very much. [Puts it in her purse.]

Bruce: You're not gonna smoke it now?

Mark: Oh, no, too many people here, but you're my favorite guys?

Scott: That's great to know.

[Mark walks up to Kevin who is in the midst of telling a joke to a bunch of people.]

Kevin: And the punch line is--

[Mark grabs him and hugs him.]

Mark: Bye Brad! Thank you for having me at your party.

Kevin: [confused] Well thanks for coming.

Mark: Yeah, hope it picks up. [leaves]

[Dave runs over.]

Dave: You *invited* her?

Kevin: No, no no. She was riding in front of the house, I hadda let her in.

Dave: Never again.

Kevin: No.

Dave: Never again.

Kevin: Never again.

Dave and Kevin: Never a--

[Mark storms back in.]

Mark: Someone stole my bike!

Kevin: Did you chain it up?

Mark: Yeah, I chained it to your lawnmower they took that too.

Kevin: [worried] Someone took my lawnmower? [Goes outside to check.]

Mark: [to Dave] Could I use your phone to call the cops please, because I--

Dave: I don't think it's such a good idea to call the police...

[Scott and Bruce, who are sharing a joint, shake their heads nervously.]

[Kevin runs back in.]

Kevin: Some *freak* stole my lawnmower!

Mark: Yeah well, someone took *my* bike. [to Dave] Look, do you think you could turn down the music and make an announcement? Maybe somebody saw something--

Dave: I'm not really the kind of guy that makes announcements...

Mark: Oh yeah, but could you?

Dave: No...but I'll tell you what I'll do.

Mark: What?

Dave: I'll turn down the music and you could make an announcement. ok?

Mark: Yeah, but could *you*?

Dave: No I won't!

[Dave turns the music down.]

Mark: Someone stole my bike.

[Dave turns it back up.]

Mark: Who would wanna steal my bike?

Bruce: Thieves.

Mark: God, how am I gonna get home?

[Scott leans away and Bruce tries to cover his face with his hair.]

Mark: Hey! Would you guys mind giving me a lift?

Bruce: Uhh...yes we would mind.

Mark: OK, but could you?

Bruce: No, you can't come, you can't get in out car.

Mark: Oh...come on, come on...

Scott: Oh, I don't know, you know...it doesn't look good. I mean uhhh...

Bruce: No.

Scott: Uhhh...

Bruce: No.

Scott: Uhhh...probably not.

Mark: Great!

[Scott and Bruce continue protesting]

Mark: OK, I tell you what, I'm gonna go and sit over here in that chair and if you guys could come and get me when you go, I'd really appreciate it. OK, thank you.

[Mark lights the joint and tokes. After doing so, she inhales again. Bruce and Scott just stare at him.]

Mark: Oh, I'm holding it in.

Part 2

Cast: [Nobody is left in the house besides Dave and Mark, asleep on the chair. Dave walks up the the stereo and turns it on. "Having an Average Weekend" comes on. Creditd begin to roll. Mark wakes up and follows Dave into the kitchen where he has just taken a bunch of beer bottles.]

Mark: Do you have any real coffee?

[Dave gives him a look that simultaneously says "Oh dear God, help me" and "Why don't you just fade away"?]

[Back to regular credits.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video