Court: The Murder Trial

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[Scene takes place in a courtroom. Dave is in the witness chair holding a mug.]

Bruce: [walking towards Dave] All right. I'm gonna cut right to the legal chase. Did you kill Henry Tilsen?

Dave: No. [laughing] This is so easy. [drinks from mug]

[View of Scott sitting on a chair in the courtroom laughing. Kevin pounds gavel.]

Kevin: Mr. Fearson, the court would like to advise you one last time to retain legal counsel.

Dave: Oh. That's okay Your Honour. I'm doing fine. And besides, with the money that I am saving on legal fees I'll be able to afford to buy [points to Scott] a really great second-hand car! [laughs]

[View of Scott laughing and giving Dave a thumbs-up. View of Dave drinking from mug.]

Kevin: The court can appoint representation free of charge.

Dave: Oh, free lawyer Your Honour? No thanks. I mean what kind of lawyer do you get for free? Some guy with a head injury that can't even find his own briefcase? [laughs] Uh I'm doing fine. Watch. [to Bruce] Go ahead. Go ahead, ask me again. Come on.

Bruce: [walks towards Dave] Did you kill Henry Tilsen?

Dave: No. [laughs; drinks]

Bruce: [picks transparent plastic bag containing a gun off a table] Your Honour I'd like to present Exhibit A. [to Dave] Is this your gun?

Dave: No.

Bruce: Yes it is.

Dave: No it isn't.

Bruce: We have your name on the registration.

Dave: No you don't.

Bruce: May I remind you that you're under oath?

Dave: Oh right. And I would never lie under oath - not to God. [laughs]

Scott: [standing up] Hey, hey Your Honour? Could we hurry this up a little bit right? 'Cause uh the defendant and I got a date later with some ladies.

Kevin: Who are you?

Scott: Just a dude. Whose taxes pay your salary!

Kevin: Will the dude sit down and be quiet or the dude will be taken out of this court.

Dave: Your Honour? [shows Kevin two ties] What tie do you think the ladies would prefer? This pink one or the gray one?

Kevin: Well I'd have to see the jacket-- OH! Will the prosecution continue with its case?

Bruce: I'd like to call Mitchell Moore to the stand!

[Dave gets off witness stand. Mark walks towards it.]

Dave: [to Mark] Boo!

[Mark is frightened; Dave laughs]

Kevin: Mr. Moore may I remind you you're still under oath?

[Mark nods 'yes' and sits down]

Bruce: Mr. Moore, what exactly did you see on the night of February seventh, 1991?

Mark: [pointing to Dave] I saw this man [view of Dave sitting down at the defense's table getting a cigarette lit by Scott and smoking it] coming out of the deceased's apartment with blood on his shirt and holding a gun [pointing to Scott] followed by that guy who was giggling. [Scott shows Mark fist]

Bruce: No more questions, Your Honour. [walks away]

Dave: I have some questions, Your Honour. [stubs cigarette, gets up from chair and walks towards Mark] Mr. Moore, aren't you lying?

Mark: No.

Dave: In fact, aren't you A LIAR? No more questions, Your Honour.

Kevin: Mr. Moore you may step down. If there are no more questions we will continue with the summations.

[Mark walks away]

Bruce: You know my summation, Your Honour.

Kevin: That he's guilty. Yes. Of course.

Bruce: He's guilty. Yes, yes. Guilty. Is very guilty.

Dave: Ladies and gentlemen--

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: --[gets up from chair] of the jury, [walking towards jury] it is not a difficult thing to accuse someone of murder. You don't have to be a genius like... that relativity guy. All you have to do is say, "Hey. I think that this guy did it." Or, or, "That lady there did it." Or I could say [points to Scott] that my friend did it. [view of Scott mouthing "Fuck you man."] But he didn't and even if he did I wasn't involved right? [laughs] Okay. But [walking towards Bruce] do you know who I really suspect? You know what *I* think? I'm really suspicious of [points to Bruce] THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY!

Bruce: What?!

Dave: [to jury] Yeah. I mean think about it. Why else would he be so obsessed with proving that *I* did it? And I don't blame 'im. If I was in his murderous shoes I would do [shakes Bruce's shoulder] the exact same thing. I'd get a lotta [picks up and shows gun-containing bag to jury] evidence [puts bag down and walks towards jury] and witnesses and I would try to pin it on some decent, hard working, honest *guy*. [rests arms on jury stand and head on arms]

Woman: [stands up from chair] Is it alright if we find the defendant guilty now?

Kevin: It's done. [Dave gets up and looks at Kevin] The court finds you guilty and sentences you to death by hanging but first the whores. [pounds gavel]

[room turns dark, 'party' lights are turned on, music starts, whores enter, most people in courtroom dance]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video