Street Singers: Loser Research Foundation

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie and Stefanie Gray and Elizabeth Strong
Cast: [A shabby-looking apartment. Mark is sitting on a crate, and Bruce is standing at the stove, stirring something in a saucepan.]

Mark: Hey, is dinner almost ready? I'm really starved.

Bruce: Yep, here it comes buddy.

[Bruce sets the pan down on a crate in front of Mark, hands him a fork, and sits down on another crate opposite him.]

Mark: Oh, yeah. Oh man, this macaroni and cheese smells great, huh?

Bruce: Yeah, yeah.

[They both start to eat macaroni & cheese (like the Kraft kind that comes in a blue box) out of the pan.]

Mark: Y'know, it's not too runny.

Bruce: It's not, uh, too crispy.

Mark: Y'know what, I think it's just right.

Bruce: It's perfect, it's perfect, perfect.

Mark: Tell you what- I'll make the macaroni and cheese tomorrow night, okay?

Bruce: Okay, and then I'll make it the night after that.

Mark: Hey, but I get to make it the night after that!

[They eat some more.]

Both: Mmmmmmmmm.

Bruce: Hey listen, are you ready for the second course?

Mark: Mmmm, bring it on, bring it on, bring it on.

[Bruce picks up a bottle of catsup from behind him and waves it in front of Mark's nose.]

Mark: Mmmm, ooh...

[Bruce squirts a lot of catsup into the pan, and they stir it in with their forks. They keep eating.]

Bruce: I wonder what the poor people're doing?

[Both of them laugh. Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door.]

Mark: Who could that be?

Bruce: I don't know.

[They pick up the pan, lift up the crate between them, and hide the pan under the crate.]

Bruce: Come in!

[The door opens, and Scott, as Mr. McKim, enters.]

Scott: Hey guys!

Bruce: Hi.

Scott: Nice place you got here.

Bruce and Mark: Thanks.

Scott: I'm from the macaroni and cheese company, and did you know that the two of you have consumed, in one year, over a ton and a half of macaroni and cheese?

Bruce: Well, we eat it every night.

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: I know that. That's why we decided to donate to you boys, absolutely free of charge, a five-year supply. Bring it in, Dad!

[A man enters with a stack of boxes, each with "McKim Macaroni and Cheese" on the side.]

Scott: Come on, just sit there tight, here it comes.

Bruce: Pinch me, I must be dreaming!

Mark: Oh my God!

[Kevin enters, with red hair and wearing a red jacket.]

Kevin: Hi! Nice place you got here.

Bruce & Mark: Thanks.

Kevin: I'm from the catsup company, and we've been watching you. Our records show that you've eaten four hundred and fifty gallons of catsup in the last year, each!

Bruce: Well, we eat it every night.

Mark: Yeah. Even Christmas!

Bruce: Yeah.

Kevin: Bring it in, Cloris!

[A man enters with another stack of boxes, all marked "CATSUP".]

Bruce and Mark: Oh, no, no.

Mark: Oh my God.

Bruce: It's all happening too fast!

Mark: Hey, enjoy the ride, little buddy!

[Dave enters.]

Dave: Hey, nice place here.

Bruce & Mark: Thanks.

Dave: Hi. I'm a scientist, I'm with the Loser Research Foundation, and we've been watching you guys with a lot of interest. And according to our studies, with the amount of macaroni and cheese and catsup you've consumed, you've probably got tapeworms about this big.

[Dave holds up his hands, about two feet apart.]

Scott: Probably the catsup.

Kevin: Macaroni.

Mark: We didn't mean no harm!

Bruce: Yeah! We just really dig the taste!

Dave: Did you really think you could eat that much garbage without any side effects?

All except Dave: Yeah.

Dave: Well, don't worry about it. Wheel it in, Leachman!

[Another man brings in a pile of sacks labeled "Tapeworm Food".]

Mark: Macaroni and cheese.... and catsup.... and tapeworm food?

Bruce: Man, we're set for life!

Mark: Yeah, we're set for life, we are!

Bruce: Hey! This gives me an idea.

Mark: Hey! [holds his hands up] Quiet!

[Bruce starts singing. Mark joins in clapping the beat.]

Bruce: [singing] Ho dee oten doten day, ho dee oten day oh, ho dee oten doten day, fattening up our [Mark joins in near the end] tapeworms!

Mark and Bruce: [clapping and singing; the others join in later] Ho bee oten boten bay, ho bee oten bay, HEY! Ho bee oten boten bay, fattening up our tapeworms!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video