Sid and Sharisse: Stay Down!

Transcribed from: "Best of" tape
Transcribed by: Andrew Bridgman
Cast: [Various people are at a bar as the camera goes by: a man is given a shot of whiskey, he puts a cigarette in it, takes it out and eats it, and drinks the shot. Then he nudges the guy next to him who looks very worried. Two more guys are shown looking to their right. The camera stops on a large man with glasses, eating peanuts who looks annoyed. Bruce is making chicken noises behind him.]

Bruce (O.S.): Bawk, bawk, bawk! Hey! Chicken, eh?! [Bruce continues making chicken noises] Chicken! Eh? Eh? [Bruce continues making chicken noises, then stops when the man turns around and Bruce is shown]

Man: Respectfully, I'm gonna ask you to please be quiet.

[Bruce throws a drink on him]

Bruce: Then I guess we'd better step outside, huh?

[The man stands up, showing he is huge, far larger than Bruce. Several other guys crowd around the man and rally beside him.]

[Kevin walks behind Bruce drinking a slurpee]

Kevin: [looking at the guys] Easy.

[Scene changes to the alley behind the bar. The large man and his cronies are standing still while Bruce struts around trying to taunt them and acting very cocky. Kevin is waiting behind him. A crowd of mostly senior citizens is watching and rooting for Bruce]

Crowd: Yeah! Go get him! Yeah!

[Bruce continues taunting and points at the large man]

Kevin: You're looking lean and mean. [slurps his slurpee]

[Bruce faces the large man]

Bruce: So, are ya ready?

Man: I guess I'm ready, are you ready? [he takes off his glasses.]

Bruce: Heh! I'm ready, willing and able!

[The crowd continues cheering]

[Bruces goes to Kevin and turns around. Kevin removes his flannel jacket, gives it back to Bruce, Bruce turns it inside out and puts it back on.]

Bruce: Ya still ready?!

Man: I'm ready.

Bruce: Yeah? Here's my plan! First I'm going to kick your ass, then I'm gonna kick the ass of your friends in alphabetical order!

Kevin: So we're gonna need some names!

[Bruce puts a mouthguard in his mouth and runs at the man screaming]

[The man punches Bruce in the face, knocking him down]

Crowd: Ooo!

[Bruce spits out the mouthguard]

Bruce: He's tougher than he looks.

[Mark comes running to Bruce]

Mark: Oh gosh, sugarplum! You're hurt! Oh! Hey! [Bruce starts getting up] You were suppose to meet me 15 minutes ago at that sub shop, where were you?!

Bruce: Not now! Baby, it's business!

[Bruce gets up, starts screaming, and runs at the large man again]

[The large man punches Bruce in the face, knocking him down.]

Bruce: I'm outta tricks.

Kevin: Look at 'em scramble.

[Bruce gets up to find that the large man and his cronies are leaving.]

Bruce: Hey! Where do you think you're going?

Kevin: Exterminate with extreme punishment.

[Bruce runs at the large man, screaming again.]

[He quickly punches Bruce, knocking him down again]

Crowd: Ooo...

[Kevin shrugs]

Bruce: Yeah...

[Bruce gets up and is almost immediately knocked down again.]

Mark: What the fuck're you doing, eh?

[Bruce begins getting up, he is now slightly bleeding]

Crowd: Stay down!

Bruce: [pointing at the large man] I ain't done with you yet! [takes out a comb and slightly combs the front of his hair. Now pointing at the cronies:] And remember, you guys are next!

[Bruce starts screaming and runs at the large man]

[Bruce is punched in the face and knocked down]

[Immediately goes to Bruce getting punched and knocked down again.]

Crowd: Ohh....

Mark: Stay down!

Man: Yeah! Stay down!

Crowd: Stay down!

[Bruce runs clumsily toward the large man, screaming half-heartedly.]

[The man turns Bruce around and grabs his back]

Mark: Put him down, ya frick!

[The man tosses Bruce into a dumpster behind the crowd, who disperse when Bruce comes down.]

[Bruce pops up holding a packet in hand]

Bruce: Look baby! I found you some neocitrin!

Mark: God, always a provider.

[Bruce jumps out of the dumpster]

Bruce: I figured out the problem, it's my belt.

[Bruce removes his belt]

[Mark looks worried, Kevin leans over]

Kevin: Trust him.

Bruce: That's better.

[Immediately shows Bruce getting punched in the face again]

Crowd: Ooo...

[The large man puts his glasses back on and looks very content.]

[A light shines over Bruce's face while he is on the ground. The light is revealed to be coming from Scott, as the queen.]

Scott: Yoohoo! Hello, loyal subject. We strongly recommend you to stay down.

[Bruce starts getting up]

Crowd: No! Stay down! Stay down!

[Bruce stumbles toward the large man, giving the man enough time to put his glasses away again. He grabs Bruce by the back of his shirt and throws him over the building.]

[The crowd gets a shocked look on their face]

[Bruce comes running and screaming from the back of the alley. The large man looks very annoyed. As Bruce runs by Mark and Kevin, Kevin gives him a thumbs up. The man sticks his fist out in preparation for Bruce. Bruce runs by the crowd. The man smokes a cigarette and throws it away, his fist still sticking out. Bruce runs right into the fist, head first. Bruce falls to the ground.]

[Scene goes back to the bar. The large man is demonstrating with his hands how he knocked Bruce over the building.]

[Bruce taps him on the shoulder and tries to sprinkle some alcohol on him. The man looks even more annoyed than before. Bruce looks horribly beaten.]

Bruce: Outside.

Man: Alright.

[The man gets up and walks out the door.]

Kevin: He won the battle, not the war.

Bruce: Someone there?

Kevin: Right beside ya buddy! [Kevin starts laughing.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video