Helping or Hurting?

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast- [An office party. Mark taps Kevin on the shoulder and he turns around. Dave is standing behind them holding a wine glass.]

Mark: Excuse me. Tom, I want you to meet a client of ours from the East coast. Tom, this is Leonard Frost.

Kevin: Hi Leonard. Pleased to meet you. [puts his hand out.]

Dave: [Shakes Kevin's hand] Pleasure's all mine. Heard a lot about you, Tom.

Kevin: Hopefully all good.

[They all have a good laugh.]

Mark: I knew you guys were gonna hit it off. [Indicates Dave's glass] Oh, let me freshen that up for you. By the way, Leonard's into cross country skiing as well.

Kevin: Oh!

Mark: Yeah. [He goes.]

Kevin: So you're into cross-country skiing too, huh?

[Dave just smiles and stares at him.]

Kevin: [a little taken aback] I haven't done much skiing this winter, but any chance I get I'm out there.

[Still no reaction from Dave.]

Kevin: [really paranoid now] So where do you normally ski?

[Mark comes back with a new wine glass for Dave.]

Mark: So how are you guys getting along?

Dave: Great! Tom here just opened up, told me he was a virgin until he was 26.

[Kevin gets a horrified look on his face.]

Mark: Wow. I gotta go think. [He leaves.]

Kevin: Well why did you tell him I said that?

[Dave just stares.]

Kevin: I never said that!

[No reaction from Dave]

Kevin: What the hell is wrong with you?

[Mark comes back.]

Mark: Tom, I've had some time to think and I want you to know: you're OK with me.

[Mark hugs Kevin.]

Dave: Oh! Then you'll be pleased to know that Tom just opened up and told me that he's a bed-wetter.

[Mark backs up, looks bck and forth between Kevin and his crotch and runs away.]

Kevin: Well that's not true, I never said that!

Mark: Excuse me everyone, I'd like to make an announcement. Tom here just opened up to me and told me that he's a bedwetter.

Everyone: Aww...

Mark: Yeah, I know. But I've had some time to think and I decided that we should give him our love and support. Come on, give it up.

[Mark starts applauding and the rest of the room follows.]

A Guy In The Back: Hey...I'm a betwetter too.

[Everyone else in the room minus Dave, Kevin and Mark raise their hands and announce "me too"]

[Mark walks back over to Dave and Kevin]

Mark: Wow, I guess it's true what they say. The whole sales department *are* bedwetters. Thanks for helping them admit it, Tom.

Kevin: [confused] Well.....I.....Thanks.

Dave: Oh! And Tom's a member of a Satanic cult and has participated in human sacrafices.

Kevin: [outraged] What?!

Mark: Oh. Well you know all the guys upstairs are into Satanism as well, don't you Tom?

[Mark opens up his jacket to reveal a pentagram inside.]

Kevin: Oh my....God...

Mark: Tom, why don't you join us at the country club this weekend.

[Mark hands Kevin a card.]

Kevin: The country club?

Mark: Yeah. We're gonna play a quick nine holes of golf and then we're gonna sacrifice Jenkins.

[They turn to Rob who smiles and waves.]

Mark: You know, I think you're on your way up, Tom.

[Mark leaves.]

Kevin: Look, I gotta admit at first I didn't know what you wree up to, but I guess I should thank you. [Puts his hand out] Thank you.

[Dave punches him in the stomach and leaves. Kevin involuntarily bends over.]

Kevin: Ooh! Why'd he hit me in the--hey 50 bucks!

[Kevin picks up the money.]

Kevin: Strange guy, but I like him.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video