Spy Models

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: Tanya Doroslovac
Cast: Screen Reads:
A Fiori/Puntz Jones Production

[James Bond-esque music plays as we see a model come down a runway. She points a gun and continues walking as photographers take pictures. Cut to a dressing room. A model turns around to face the camera. It is Francesca Fiori.]

Screen reads:
Francesca Fiori

[Cut to Bruno wearing a journalist outfit.]

Screen reads:
Bruno Puntz Jones

[Cut back to the models with guns]

Screen reads:
SPY MODELS

[Francesca comes out from behind a curtain and begins talking to the designer.]

Scott: Nikoli, how do I look?

Kevin: You look fantastic! In my clothes!

Scott: I know.

Man: Francesca, you go on in five minutes!

Scott: I know that! Aiye!

[She peers out from behind a curtain at Bruno, who is taking a picture of the General. Bruno nods at Francesca, who smiles at the General and beckons him toward her. The general does a lecherous grunt and smiles. Cut to: The general walks through a large dressing room, filled with models. He searches for Francesca. He spots her standing next to a washroom, laughing. When she sees him, she stops laughing and stares. He wiggles his eyebrows at her and she beckons him to the washroom with a sexyliciois stare. Bruno watches on.]

Scott: Ah.

Mark: A beautiful lady.

Scott: Muchos gracios, generale. And you too, are... agreeable in my eye.

Mark: Well... Perhaps a kiss?

Scott: Oh, I, I would love to, but not in this ensemble. Nikoli would kill me.

Mark: Well then clearly I am going to have to purchase this dress so that I might have the pleasure of taking it off later.

[They both laugh.]

Scott: Now!

[Bruno shoots a poison tipped dart out of his cigarette which hits the general in the neck. The general falls in to Francesca's arms and she drags him into the washroom. She closes the door and pulls back a curtain from the wall, expecting to find a window. There is a brick wall instead. There is a knock at the door.]

Scott: Aiye! Fido puta! Eshpeta! Attendez s'il-vous plait!

Dave: Francesca Fiori, what is going on?

Scott: Oh, Bruno! In! [Bruno comes in.] Look. Bruno Puntz Jones, we have been double crossed, double timed.

Dave: Ah! I knew we should not have trusted the dwarf.

Scott: Forget about the dwarf! What do we do with him?

Female Voice: Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom, please!

Dave: We could eat him.

Scott: There's no time! Look in the closet! Ah? What?

[He opens the closest door to reveal a handful of other assassinated leaders.]

Dave: Nothing but junk.

Scott: Look again!

Dave: Eshpeta!

Scott: Ah.

Dave: Eshpeta!

Scott: Hey!

Dave: Ah!

Scott: What is it?

[Bruno pulls out a chainsaw.]

Dave: Lady luck, I think she it sweet on me.

Scott: Ci.

[Bruno starts the chainsaw]

Scott: Let me. It's woman's work.

Man: She's on in one minute! Where is Francesca Fiori?

Designer: Fiori? Where are my clothes?!

[Francesca is madly hacking away at the general with the chainsaw and blood is splurting everywhere. She throws Bruno a severed foot. Meanwhile, the fashion show is going on and people are waiting to get into the washroom. Bruno proceeds to flush the body parts down the toilet. Francesca screams with joy as she cuts up the body.]

Scott: There. Finito. Oh, I'm so horny!

Man: She's on in thirty seconds. Where can she be?

Kevin: I can't breathe!

Man: I'm doomed!

[Francesca tries to force the head down the toilet with a plunger.

Mark: Oh! [he mumbles]

Scott: Go to Hell!

[She flushes and the head spins round. Bruno sits nearby, covered in blood and not impressed.]

Scott: Is flushing!

Woman: LET ME IN!

Scott: Don't just stand there. Clean up!

Dave: You're in a bitchy mood, you know.

[The stage manager is crying, people are pounding on the door and Bruno is cleaning up the pools of blood.]

Scott: COME ON!!!

[The bathroom is now miraculously clean. Francesca puts on lipstick.]

Scott: Ah. Finito. Vamoose.

Dave: Francesca.

Scott: What?

Dave: What about that?

Scott: Me deros! Aiye!

[Bruno laughs]

Scott: Why you laugh?

Dave: Is funny.

Scott: Is no funny!

Dave: Is funny!

Scott: Is no funny, you la vincere!

[She is struck by an idea.]

Scott: Ah!

[Francesca appears on the runway with the leg draped around her neck. She light a cigarette and starts strutting her stuff. Camaras flash and people cheer. They give a standing ovation.]

Kevin: The leg was my idea.

Man: Fantastique!

Kevin: Is to cry!

[Francesca stops at the end of the runway, wipes blood off the severed legs and licks her finger. She turns.]

[A magazine appears to show that Francesca and her leg were featured on the cover of LA Style. The magazine reads: 'Leg Stole Steals Show']


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video