Celebrity Encounters

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: Mandy Sockett
Cast- [Kevin and Dave are seated at a lunch counter drinking coffee. They are both dressed as farmers. They speech is very casual though they don't quite have accents.]

Dave: I guess what happened was, his sleeve got caught in the baler, and it jus' sorta pulled his whole arm in & it was.tragic [pause] jus', jus' tragic.

Kevin: Eli, did I tell ya I met my first celebrity the other day?

Dave: Didja Jedadiah? Well, congratulations.

Kevin: Thanks. But before you go congratulatin' me, it was more of a small "c" celebrity, but a celebrity none the less.

Dave: Well, who was it Jedadiah?

Kevin: Remember them brothers that sang together?

Dave: [thinking] Osmonds?

Kevin: Yup.

Dave: So. You met the Osmonds.

Kevin: Nope. Jus' the youngest one Jimmy.

Dave: Well, whatja think, Jedadiah?

Kevin: Frankly, I thought his teeth were too big for his head. Well, that's the impression I got from starin' at him anyway.

Dave: Did I ever tell you I once met a celebrity?

Kevin: You don't say. Who was it?

Dave: Mickey Rooney.

Kevin: [impressed] Mickey Rooney! Well, that's a big "C" celebrity if there ever was one.

Dave: Sure enough.

Kevin: Is he as short as they say?

Dave: Well, I'll tell ya somethin' Jedadiah, he may be short on stature, but he sure ain't short on heart. Why the night I met him he entertained us at the dinner table with stories of the golden years of Hollywood.

Kevin: [very impressed] You ate dinner with Mickey Rooney?!

Dave: Yes, I did. Yup and after dinner he tap danced and sang for us and told off-colour stories about Anne Miller. Well, I'll tell ya somethin', he may be short on stature, be he sure ain't short on talent.

Kevin: You got that right.

Dave: Mm-hmmm. And then after dinner my brother's cow started a-birthin' and Mr. Rooney, just like a trooper, rolled up his sleeves and helped out. After the delivery he went back into the house and he played the piano and sang for us [pause. Takes on tired expression] all night long. And no sooner had we fallen asleep, then he woke us up. Pro-ceeded to make breakfast for us. Eggs a la Judy he called 'em. And as he was beatin' them eggs I swear I heard him, well, I swear I heard him sobbin'.

Kevin: Sounds like he's the salt of the earth.

Dave: Yup and high as a kite too. Yeah, musta been hoped up on somethin'.

Kevin: [surprised] Are you sure?

Dave: No. But explain me this: Right after that he ran out into the yard and pro-ceeded to dig us a well. And I kept yellin' at him down in that pit, "Hey! We already got a well!" but he kept right on a-diggin', Jedadiah.

Kevin: Well, sounds like he's got a chip on his shoulder.

Dave: Well, most short folk do, Jedadiah. Couldn't get the fella to leave. Kept droppin' hints and such but that didn't work, so eventually we had to start chuckin' stones at him. Chase him off the property. Tell ya somethin', Jedadiah, he may be short on stature, but he sure ain't short on nerve.

Kevin: [laughingly] Ya got that right. [looks at cup] More coffee Mary.

Dave: Hey, Mary. Didja hear? Jedadiah here jus' met his first celebrity.

Kevin: [grins] Well, it was more of a small "c" celebrity but a celebrity none the less.

Dave: Yeah. Big in Japan though.

Kevin: Really?

Dave: Oh yeah. Huge star in Japan.

Kevin: Jimmy Osmond big in Japan. Had no idea.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video