Man Sexually Harasses Himself

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Rachel Baker and M. Howie
Cast- [Mark is a judge in a courtroom, looking down at a man who is holding his finger under his nose, stiffling a sneeze.]

Mark: And because you were sneezing at the time of the murder, I find you not guilty. Next case.

[The man leaves the courtroom, sniffling.]

Mark: Let's see, the defendant, Mr. Joseph Underwood, is accused of sexual harrassmen by the plaintif, one Mr. Joseph Underwood. How does the defense plead?

Kevin: Not guilty, Your Honor.

Mark: Prosecution may proceed.

Dave: Thank you, Your Honor, I'd like to call the plaintif to the stand, Mr. Joseph Underwood.

[Kevin takes the stand.]

Dave: Mr. Underwood, could you please tell us the event that led to you bringing these charges against yourself, Mr. Underwood?

Kevin: [rather effeminately] Well, you know, it started off innocently enough- flattery. I would complement the jacket I was wearing, or say "nice cologne" to myself. But soon after that I'd be at the water cooler and, uh, I would start to play with my hair. Oh, I'd try to laugh it off, pretend that nothing was happening, but that seemed only to encourage me.

Dave: Did it end there?

Kevin: No, sweet Jesus, I wish it did. I would, uh, rub against myself on elevators, stare down my top using a mirror, and always, always the suggestive comments. Then one day, I was in the washroom and- *to my horror* - I found that I was- fondling myself.

Dave: Thank you, Mr. Underwood. I'm aware of how difficult this must've been for you. I have no more questions, Your Honor.

Mark: The witness may step down.

Kevin: [now in tears] Thank you. [Kevin steps down and starts to go back to his seat.]

Dave: Your Honor, I would now like to call the defendant, Mr. Joseph Underwood, to the stand.

Kevin: Yes, sir.

[Kevin, who was walking back to his table after being dismissed stops crying, turns around, and returns to the stand.]

Dave: Mr. Underwood, how do you respond to these allegations?

Kevin: [smarmily defensive] Your Honor, I don't believe I did anything that I myself did not want me to do. I was asking for it. I always came to work dressed to the nines. I always had my first two buttons undone on my shirt, like I do now [pulls his tie aside to show the two buttons], and never once did I say anything to discourage me. You see, I'm a physical guy, very friendly, affectionate, and, uh, no one's ever had a problem with that before. Besides, Your Honor, I believe in that famous saying by the Beatles, "all you need is love," although I don't much like their music.

[Mark bangs his gavel.]

Mark: Mr. Underwood, when I come across men like you, I can hardly contain the vomit that is rising in my throat.

Kevin: Uh-huh.

Mark: I see no other alternative other than to issue a restraining order, which means that Mr. Underwood cannot come within five hundred feet of himself. [bangs his gavel] Case dismissed.

Kevin: [stepping down from the stand] Thank you, Your Honor, thank you, thank you. [grabs his own rear end] Your Honor, I'm at it again!

Mark: Arrest this man!

Kevin: I'm at it again, Your Honor!

[Two cops step forward, grab Kevin, and drag him toward the back of the room. Kevin's hands keep roaming up and down his body.]

Kevin: I want me! I hate me! I want me! I hate me! I want me!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video