Scott Loves Someone In This Room

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by:
All 5 play themselves

[Kevin, Mark, Dave and Bruce are backstage at the CBC]

Kevin: No, no, no, no. It was Shelly Long.

Dave: Kirstie Alley.

Kevin: Shelly Long.

Dave: No, it was Kirstie Alley.

Kevin: It was Sh-

Bruce: No! It was Beethoven!

Kevin and Dave: Beethoven! Yes! Da da da da, da da da da.

[Scott enters]

Scott: Hi guys.

Dave: Hi Scott.

Kevin: Hey Scott. How ya doing?

Scott: I'm good, good, good. So you're all here. That's great.

Dave: Yeah, so, uh, what's up?

Scott: Ok. Uh, I wanted to call an Emergency Troupe Meeting.

Kevin: Emergency Troupe Meeting?

[All over disapproval]

Bruce: Scott, remember the last time you called an Emergency Troupe Meeting? It was to announce that you didn't approve of... Emergency Troupe Meetings.

Scott: This isn't easy, Bruce!

[All over 'Ooooooh', etc.]

Dave: Well?

Kevin: Well, what is it, Scott?

Scott: Ok. I have an announcement to make. I'm gay.

[All over confusion]

Bruce: And?

Scott: I'm starting slowly, Ok? I'm gay and, uh, I'm over 30.

Dave: And?

Scott: Ok. I'm gay, I'm over 30, and I'm in love with someone in this room.

[Suspenseful Music]

Kevin: Oh god.

Bruce: Oh Scott, I'm flattered. I saw you looking at me when I was doing push ups. It's my fault, guys. I'm a guy's guy. I drink bourbon, I spit, I sweat, I-

Scott: It's not you, Bruce.

Bruce: It isn't? But I-I'm a guy's guy.

Scott: Sure you are, Bruce, sure you are.

Mark: Wait a minute. It's me. That's why you haven't called me at home in 3 years. You're trying to hide your love for me. Wait a minute. You're *all* in love with me.

All: No!

Mark: No?

Bruce: (shakes his head)

Dave: Oh, wait a minute. This is so typical. You haven't given me a second glance in 7 years, but he minute I get a ring on my finger you're all over me.

Bruce: Yep.

Scott: Next!

[They all look at Kevin]

Kevin: (gasps)

Bruce: Kevin? Not Kevin! He can't even do one push up!

Kevin: I'm not gay. But then again I never used to like asparagus, but now I do.

Scott: It's not- It's not you, Kevin.

Kevin: Of course I knew it wasn't me. How could it be me?

Mark: It's you!

Scott: What?

Mark: You're in love with yourself, aren't you, you egomaniac?

Scott: Ohhhh....

All: Oh!

Kevin: You jerk!

Scott: Oh, come on. Would you grow up? It's not me. It's *you*.

[All over confusion]

Dave: What are you talking about?

Scott: Well, individually, you're all misses.

Dave: Yeah.

Kevin: Sure. Of course we are.

Scott: Together, you form the perfect man.

[More all over confusion]

Scott: Ok. See, look at Bruce here, with his athleticism and his ability to drink. Dave with his flirty eyes and... even greater ability to drink. Mark, of course, for his incredible abdominal muscles.

[Mark lifts up his shirt to reveal a very fake six-pack]

Scott: And Kevin, well, Kevin for his soul.

Kevin: Not something physical?

Scott: No, sorry.

[They all console Kevin]

Scott: Nice soul. so, (picks up a drawing but the drawing isn't visible to the audience) What do you think? There he is.

All: Oooooh....

Kevin: He's got your eyes.

Dave: Yeah, he does have my eyes.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: My runner's legs.

Scott: Uh huh.

Mark: Look! (pointing at picture)

[All of them gasp]

Mark: Whose is *that*?

Scott: (nervous laugh) Oh, nobody here. It's just a dream I had. Ok, so, uh, how about it? Are you guys going to do it for me? You know?

[All over confusion]

Scott: Ok. Well, I have this friend who's a surgeon. Well, he's not really a surgeon. He's more of an anarchist who's into industrial music, but he's a surgeon of some sorts and anyways, he owes me a favour or two and he is willing to put together this man I love for me.

[All "Are you out of your mind?" etc.]

Scott: So you're not going to do it?

All: No!

Scott: So I don't get anything I want, then?

All: No! (they all leave)

Scott: So I'm foiled again? Parts of you will be sorry! The only thing worse than being young and in love is being not so young and in love. Well, that's my dream! (Looks at picture again) Ohhhh...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video