Scar Shaped Like a Swastika

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Rachel Baker
Cast- [Scene: In a hospital room with two beds, one for the dead man and one for Mark. Dave enters the room where Kevin is adjusting the dead man's sheets.]

Dave: [to the dead man] Well, how is my star patient today?

Kevin: [pulling sheet over head of dead man on bed] Dead.

[Kevin leaves.]

Dave: [to Mark] Well, how are we doing?

Mark: Oh, pretty good.

Dave: OK. It's useless you know.

Mark: Hunh?

Dave: Oh, the appendix, its a useless organ. It just, just sits there in your body, and occasionally it bursts. Uh, I think we really did the, uh, the wise thing in, in removing it from your, from your body.

Mark: Yeah, though I guess I'm going to have a scar now, eh?

Dave: Oh yes. Well that's what happens when you cut really deeply into a whole lot of skin with a razor sharp knife. OK, well what do you say we, uh, we take that bandage off and have a look at how you're healing. OK? All right So we'll, uh, we'll do this on three, OK?. One! [rips of bandage, causing Mark great pain] Two...three...Um. OK, well, let's see here. Well, that's, that's healing very, very nicely, I'm pleased. OK, well I'm going to monitor this...

Mark: [examining his scar] Hey! What the hell is this?

Dave: Oh, that's the incisions from the operation. Remember, we were just talking about it.

Mark: It's a swastika.

Dave: Hmmm. You know, you're right, it does look just a little bit like a swastika.

Mark: It looks exactly like a swastika.

Dave: Yes, it looks that a problem for you?

Mark: Yes, that's a problem for me, I've got a symbol of hate on my stomach!

Dave: OK, OK, OK, I'll tell you what I can do, I can tell you what I can do. I can fix this, I mean, I can fix this, I think I can, uh, I can make another incision, [drawing on the scar] I can put, I can put a circle here and a mark there and one there and make it look like a, a man dancing, sort of a, a happy man dancing. [poses like a dancing swastika man] What do you say? I'll tell you what, I'll do that for you, I'll do that for you right now.

Mark: No! You're never touching me again!

Dave: Oh come on, come on. [tries to get at the struggling patient with the scalpel] Nurse! Nurse!

[Kevin enters.]

Dave: Um, Nurse, hi, I'd like to put this man on 100 cc's of...drugs.

Kevin: What drugs, Doctor?

Dave: Heroin?

Mark: What?!

Kevin: Oh, Doctor they want you in O.R., there's a cardiac arrest.

Dave: Surely, Nurse, that's a matter for the police.

Mark: That's a heart attack, you moron.

[Kevin, who had been silently embarrassed at Dave's stupidity nods in agreement.]

Dave: [genuinely grateful] Oh, thanks, thanks very much, OK well then Nurse, I'm going to need some, uh, well some textbooks...

[Dave gets in wheelchair and Kevin starts wheeling him out.]

Mark: And a lawyer.

Dave: ...a lawyer...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video