Relationship Section

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Sarah Jane Bodell
Cast: [Bruce and Dave walk into a restaurant and are met by a waiter]

Bruce: Hi there.

Man #1: Hi.

Dave: Hi.

Man #1: Would you like the smoking section, or the non-smoking section, or the section where people discuss their relationships?

[preview of the relationship section]

Woman: [to date] Don't ask me questions. My father used to do that.

[cut to another table in the relationship section]

Kevin: [to Nick] She can't even spell the word orgasm, much less have one!

Bruce: [to Man #1] Uh, I think we'll sit in non-smoking.

Dave: No, actually, I think we should sit in the relationship section for a while.

[Bruce looks horrified]

Man #1: Straight ahead. [points to empty table]

[cut back to Kevin's table]

Nick: [to Kevin] Why does she have to spell it to have one?

Kevin: For the list! The sexual shopping list!

[back to Bruce and Dave]

Bruce: [to Dave] What is it?

Dave: I broke up with you.

Bruce: What?

Dave: Yeah. We broke up a couple of months ago. I told a lot of other people, I just never got around to telling you. Sorry.

Bruce: So you wanna break up with me then?

Dave: Yeah.

Bruce: Is it 'cause I farted that time? That's it, right?

Dave: No, what time?

Bruce: Oh, you never noticed?

Dave: No.

Bruce: Then why?

Dave: I met someone else. [begins mouthing words and motioning to a man at a nearby table] (motioning:) 5 minutes.

Man #2: (motioning:) 5 minutes? Okay.

Bruce: Who?

Dave: Well, it really doesn't matter does it?

Bruce: No, you're right. But let me ask you a question.

Dave: Okay.

Bruce: Who?

Dave: [motions to Man #2] Him.

Bruce: That guy?

Dave: Yeah.

Bruce: I knew we shouldn't have sat so close to him. So you're seeing some one new. I can live with that.

Dave: Well, thank you.

Bruce: But let me ask you a question--How will this affect us?

Dave: Well, I just thought you should know. I thought it was fair.

Bruce: Okay, but how will this impact upon our relationship?

Dave: Well, I'll be with him.

Bruce: So, it'll be the three of us then?

Dave: No, it will be just me and him.

Bruce: I, I, I can live with that. I think you underestimate my ability to adapt. I mean, it's not like you're getting married.

Dave: Well, yes actually. [hold up left hand and points to engagement ring] It is like we're getting married.

Bruce: [blinking rapidly] What's wrong with the lights in here? It's like they put on a strobe light or something. So what am I supposed to do?

Dave: I don't know!

Bruce: Ah ha! There's a flaw in your plan! It's not a very good plan if you haven't considered what I was going to do. We have a loophole. Okay honey. How was your day?

Dave: You'll be out of the picture!

Bruce: Oh, you have thought about it.

Dave: Yes.

Bruce: So, you're marrying someone new, eh? I can live with that.

Dave: Why thank you.

Bruce: How long do you think you'll be?

Dave: Forever!

Bruce: Honey, have you read the divorce statistics recently?

Dave: [stands up] Look, I've got to go. Okay?

Bruce: Can I tell people we're having a trial seperation and that you're having a practice wedding?

Dave: Look, tell them whatever you want! [walks over to Man #2's table, sits down, and begins chatting]

Bruce: Okay, I'll tell them we're having a trial seperation and you're having a practice wedding. [to Man #2] Hey buddy, good luck with your practice wedding. [to self] That guy?! And all along I was worried about..... Tom Cruise.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video