Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Sarah Jane Bodell
[Bruce and Dave walk into a restaurant and are met by a waiter]
- Bruce- Dave's Boyfriend
- Dave- Bruce's Girlfriend
- Kevin- Restaurant Patron
- Nick McKinney- Kevin's Friend
- Man #1- Waiter
- Man #2- Dave's Fiance
- Woman- Restaurant Patron
Bruce: Hi there.
Man #1: Hi.
Man #1: Would you like the smoking section, or the non-smoking section, or the section where people discuss their relationships?
[preview of the relationship section]
Woman: [to date] Don't ask me questions. My father used to do that.
[cut to another table in the relationship section]
Kevin: [to Nick] She can't even spell the word orgasm, much less have one!
Bruce: [to Man #1] Uh, I think we'll sit in non-smoking.
Dave: No, actually, I think we should sit in the relationship section for a while.
[Bruce looks horrified]
Man #1: Straight ahead. [points to empty table]
[cut back to Kevin's table]
Nick: [to Kevin] Why does she have to spell it to have one?
Kevin: For the list! The sexual shopping list!
[back to Bruce and Dave]
Bruce: [to Dave] What is it?
Dave: I broke up with you.
Dave: Yeah. We broke up a couple of months ago. I told a lot of other people, I just never got around to telling you. Sorry.
Bruce: So you wanna break up with me then?
Bruce: Is it 'cause I farted that time? That's it, right?
Dave: No, what time?
Bruce: Oh, you never noticed?
Bruce: Then why?
Dave: I met someone else. [begins mouthing words and motioning to a man at a nearby table] (motioning:) 5 minutes.
Man #2: (motioning:) 5 minutes? Okay.
Dave: Well, it really doesn't matter does it?
Bruce: No, you're right. But let me ask you a question.
Dave: [motions to Man #2] Him.
Bruce: That guy?
Bruce: I knew we shouldn't have sat so close to him. So you're seeing some one new. I can live with that.
Dave: Well, thank you.
Bruce: But let me ask you a question--How will this affect us?
Dave: Well, I just thought you should know. I thought it was fair.
Bruce: Okay, but how will this impact upon our relationship?
Dave: Well, I'll be with him.
Bruce: So, it'll be the three of us then?
Dave: No, it will be just me and him.
Bruce: I, I, I can live with that. I think you underestimate my ability to adapt. I mean, it's not like you're getting married.
Dave: Well, yes actually. [hold up left hand and points to engagement ring] It is like we're getting married.
Bruce: [blinking rapidly] What's wrong with the lights in here? It's like they put on a strobe light or something. So what am I supposed to do?
Dave: I don't know!
Bruce: Ah ha! There's a flaw in your plan! It's not a very good plan if you haven't considered what I was going to do. We have a loophole. Okay honey. How was your day?
Dave: You'll be out of the picture!
Bruce: Oh, you have thought about it.
Bruce: So, you're marrying someone new, eh? I can live with that.
Dave: Why thank you.
Bruce: How long do you think you'll be?
Bruce: Honey, have you read the divorce statistics recently?
Dave: [stands up] Look, I've got to go. Okay?
Bruce: Can I tell people we're having a trial seperation and that you're having a practice wedding?
Dave: Look, tell them whatever you want! [walks over to Man #2's table, sits down, and begins chatting]
Bruce: Okay, I'll tell them we're having a trial seperation and you're having a practice wedding. [to Man #2] Hey buddy, good luck with your practice wedding. [to self] That guy?! And all along I was worried about..... Tom Cruise.