Bruce: My Regrets

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
[The scene is identical to that of the Reg sketch except Dave, Scott, Kevin, Mark and Bruce are all played by young children]

Kid Mark: Seems like yesterday when we were a bunch of kids getting slurpees. Remember Dave?

Kid Dave: Sure do, Mark. And next thing you know, jobs become careers...

Kid Bruce: ...and girlfriends become wives...

Kid Scott: ...and Reg becomes a lifeless corpse in your arms. One last "ugh!" and that's all she wrote man, that's all she wrote.

Kid Kevin: To Reg!

All: To Reg!

[Still of Kid Bruce on the monitor. Bruce stands beside it]

Bruce: Were we ever so young? That's a scene called "Reg" we did in out first episode a scant [mumbles the number incoherently] years ago. But looking at it now, it's kinda like reading Little Archie. So as our year winds to a close, I think it's a good time to look back and reflect. Regrets? Sure, I had a few. I regret the only thing I ever stole from costumes was gonch.

[Shot changes to reveal Bruce standing behind a huge pile of underwear]

I regret, well, I regret that we never had a children' choir on the show.

[Shot of a children's choir, singing. Bruce walks into the shot and looks pointedly at the camera]

I regret that I never got to utter the comic phrase, "It's raining lard."

[Shot of a guy with an umbrella under a torrent of what I presume is lard]

Hey! Before it was just greasy out, but now its literally raining lard! I regret that we never had Kim Mitchell on the show

[Sure enough, a shot of Kim Mitchell, who plays a few licks on his guitar]

and had him teach senior citizens to tune the electric guitar.

[Shot of Kim, on a tv screen, tuning his guitar whilst two seniors watch from a couch, tuning theirs]

I really regret that I never asked CBC page Heidi out on a date [pulls back his shirt to reveal a picture of Heidi taped to the inside], citing trouble with my girlfriend as a reason I wanted to go out and -- [approaches a mannequin head sporting the infamous cabbage leaf headgear. Bruce switches to his Cabbagehead voice] -- just talk. And the liquor will help us communicate. [Slipping out of Cabbagehead mode] But as the sun sets over the mountains, and crushing heads has given way to Mark's newest catchphrase:

[Shot of Mark as Mr. Tiscic, with his fingers deceptively ready to crush heads]

Mark: Hey everybody. Guess what I'm doing? I'm . . . . [turns to a computer and begins to type] updating my resume. I'm updating my resume. Update! Update! Catch me at the Laugh Resort from Thursday to Sunday, you flatheads!

Bruce: I guess my one biggest regret is that I never thanked the person actually responsible for us having a tv show.

[Shot of Satan (Mark) laughing evilly.]

Thank you Satan!

Mark: Don't mention it, baby. Rock, come to me!

[Mark starts to play an electric bass. Kim Mitchell joins in and they jam.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video