Raj and Christine in the Store

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: ERigby1000@aol.com
Cast: Scott: Morning.

Mark: Morning.

Scott: What is it?

Mark: It's so cold out there my head nearly fell off.

Scott: Yeah and you know what else is weird? Last night it was almost warm.

Mark: And now it's colder?

Scott: Very trippy.

Mark: *What* is going on?

Scott: Obviously another ice age is approaching.

Mark: Just what I need.

Scott: Ooo-oooh...

Mark: I can tell it's going to be a strange day.

Scott: Are you kidding? It already is. Today on my bus everybody was a complete freak.

Mark: Are you serious?

Scott: Yeah, like I get on first of all and everyone is a total zombie. And then this old woman stared at me- twice. I almost had to get off.

Mark: Same thing happened on my bus.

Scott: No way.

Mark: Yes. Two stops after I got on these two unbelievably short people got on....

Scott: Oh, yeah.

Mark: ....and by the way they were looking at me I could tell- they wanted to bite my ankles.

Scott and Mark: Ewwww....

Mark: Oh did you get a paper?

Scott: MmmHmmm.

Mark: You are a genius.

Scott: And two cappuccinos.

Mark: I take that back, you are a god.

Scott: But you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get them.

Mark: What?

Scott: Well when I got there they were cleaning the machine. I thought I was going to die in the doorway.

Mark: I would have lost it completely.

Scott: I nearly killed everyone. And then they turned it back on.

Mark: For you?

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: It's 'cause you're so brilliant you know.

Scott: Yeah, I know.

Mark: I wanna have your children. Let's build a spaceship and find our own planet. I mean it.

Scott: Oh! Look, Cher bought a chalet in Aspen.

Mark: Don't say that.

Scott: Why?

Mark: Two weeks ago, I'm out to lunch with Clara- We did practically nothing except talk about Char and Aspen.

Scott: Oooo, that is trippy.

Mark: It's weird. I need some Thorazine.

[Crosses room to chair where his bag is starts going through it]

[Scott opens newspaper]

Scott: Oh, look at this, look at those stupid South Africans. When will you ever learn?

Mark: They're insane. There's gonna be an Armageddon, thousands slaughtered.

Scott: Millions, millions! And speaking of insanity and I can't believe you brought it up, Lacey went mental at the Speak last night.

Mark: Oh, I heard.

Scott: You did?

Mark: No, tell me.

Scott: Well she was slam dancing in that fabulous new parka and all of a sudden her buttons exploded off.. We looked for hours, days, we couldn't find a single one!

Mark: I wouldn't go back there ever.

[Kevin appears, tapping on door]

Mark: We're not open yet.

Kevin: It's me.

Scott: Oh my God, it's Lacey!

Mark: I can't believe it's her!

Scott: This is getting out of control.

Mark: My brain is fried. I need a lobotomy!

Kevin: What's going on?

Mark: We were talking about you like 10 seconds...

Scott: yeah.

Mark: ...before you walked in.

Kevin: Oh don't tell me that!

Scott and Mark:It's true!

Kevin: Oh don't tell me that!

Scott: Why not?

Kevin: Well, well, well, I wasn't going to come in here, then I did.

Scott: Well, what made you?

Kevin: I don't know!

Scott and Mark:Woooahh!

Mark: Listen we need to get an exorcist in here and this time I'm serious OK?

Scott: It is true.

Mark: So how are you?

Kevin: Well I got some new buttons. [Showing off his parka.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video