Comedy Inc.

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

Part One-

Kevin: [lounging in office chair] And in conclusion, pursuant of our correspondence on April the 14th, I would like to respond in the affirmative, sincerely yours, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Could you repeat that back to me Donna? Donna? [turns around to see that the chair in front of his desk is empty] What the hell, I forgot to call Donna! Oh god I'll never remember all that! [presses button on intercom and says] Donna get your ass in here!

Dave: [enters room] Sir, I need a raise.

Kevin: Great Donna. Take this down. Dear Sir--

Dave: No I'm not Donna. I'm Greg.

Kevin: [turns around in his chair to face Dave and taps the floor with his feet while he's turning] Oh sorry Greg. I always get you and Donna confused. So it's Greg and not Donna.

Dave: Yes.

Kevin: Greg, [gets up from chair and walks towards door so as to lead Dave out] I'm glad I could be of service and I want you and all my employees to feel free to come by and see me whenever there's a problem.

Dave: No, that wasn't it sir.

Kevin: It wasn't...

Dave: No sir, uh I, I want a raise.

Kevin: [walks away from door] A raise...

Dave: Yes.

Kevin: Let me think about it, no!

Dave: I, I'm afraid I can't take no for an answer sir.

Kevin: Well then you're asking the wrong question. [laughs at his own joke]

Dave: Sir, I, I really believe that I've been working very hard and, and that, that I'm essential to the success of this company and I, I really do think I deserve a raise.

Kevin: Essential huh? [walks towards door] Are you really such a talented comedy writer that you deserve a raise?

Dave: Well...

Kevin: I mean you wrote this sketch, didn't cha?

Dave: Yes.

Kevin: It's gotta be the oldest premise in the world a guy asking his boss for a raise! This really proves your worth to us here at [opens door and points to title on door] Comedy Inc.? Comedy Inc.?!? How'd you come up with that one? [laughs at Dave] Pff-fff! [closes door] Oh, and what's my name again?

Dave: [barely audible] Mr. Picklefeather.

Kevin: Pardon?

Dave: Mr. Picklefeather.

Kevin: And let me tell you, I just love playing the one-dimensional stereotype that is Mr. Picklefeather. [lifts arms and does a little groin dance as he says] I just LOVE IT! Let me ask you a few questions. Am I married?

Dave: Well, I, I'm sure.

Kevin: Do I have any children?

Dave: I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Kevin: Did I go to college?

Dave: I don't think it really relates.

Kevin: [pointing with both hands below his belt] Am I cut, am I uncut?

Dave: I don't, I don't think it's important to the scene.

Kevin: Look, did I exist before the scene at all?

Dave: I really don't think that affects the scene.

Kevin: Hey! If I remember right don't I hit you with a pie later in page 4? [walks to chair behind desk]

Dave: Yes!

Kevin: Well, *that's* something different. [sits in chair]

Dave: Look, I stand by the sketch. I think it's very strong, I think there's a potential for a reoccurring character here.

Kevin: Oh yeah. I could see it now. The 'I want a raise' guy. [laughs at Dave, gets up from chair and opens a drawer in his desk from which he takes out a pie at which he nods disapprovingly as he says] You see Greg, our budget is like a pie. [Pause during which Kevin looks at Dave who smiles and nods up and down as he sees the pie. Then Kevin reluctantly picks up a slice and says] 25% of the pie goes to research [puts slice on Dave's face], another 25% of the pie goes to promotion [puts another slice on Dave's face], of course the third quarter is development [puts another slice on Dave's face], and the last quarter... goes to me [takes a bite out of last slice]. All that we have left is the crumbs which is what I pay a worker like you to live on. [Sits on chair and looks at Dave as he wipes the cream off his face. They look at each other and then Kevin drops his head.] You forgot to write an ending, didn't cha? [Dave looks around not knowing what to do. Kevin puts one foot on his desk and throws a pen as Dave points to the chair in front of the desk and goes to sit in it.]

Dave: Well, I, I think uh d-dsh... [Kevin lifts himself slightly from the chair and gives Dave an 'angry' look. Dave falls silent, sighs. Kevin takes some pie cream on his finger and eats it. Then, silence as the two sit in their chairs.]

Part Two-

[Later in show: Kevin and Dave are still sitting in the chairs in Kevin's office. Their ties are loosened. The lights in the office are off. Dave plays cards. He flips them in his hands then he starts aligning them one by one on Kevin's desk. Kevin is writing a letter on a pad.]

Kevin: [thinking as he writes] "Dearest..." [looks at Dave, then aloud] What's my wife's name?

Dave: [stops his card-flipping for a moment and looks at Kevin] Olive?

Kevin: Olive Picklefeather? [Dave nods 'yes', grins, then becomes serious. Kevin resumes writing and thinking] "Dearest Olive [glances at Dave], it's been 20 days now since the sketch began and there seems to be no end in sight. We're running drastically low on supplies. We only have enough fresh water for another day. [Turns his head to look at a fishbowl with a goldfish swimming around in about a cupful of water. Then he turns his head back to his letter] And we finished the last of the pie days ago. If I should never see you again I hope that you find this letter and will know my last thoughts were of you. Love..." [looks at Dave questioningly]

Dave: [looking at Kevin and smiling] Buford?

Kevin: [writes and says aloud] "Buford Picklefeather." [Looks at Dave who laughs to himself as he continues placing the cards on Kevin's desk. Then Kevin looks at his paper pad and flips the first page up.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video