Pizza Parlor

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scene opens in a Pizza Parlor. Numerous pretty school girls are there giggling and eating. We see the two employees, Tony and Tim, standing behind the counter totally fixated on the girls. A male customer is trying to get their attention]

Dave: Hey?...Hey!

Mark: Huh?

Dave: Can I get a pizza slice?

Mark: What?

Dave: Pizza slice.

Mark: Oh. [Nudges Tony to get his attention] Unnn....uhhh...

Kevin: One slice!

Mark: One slice...

Kevin: Let's get those slices coming...

Mark: Let's get those slices comin' for the mister, eh?

Dave: Sure is busy in here.

Mark: Yeah, it's the 4 o'clock rush. Happens every day.

Dave: Yeah, but how do you stand it? I mean, all these school girls coming in here, ya know...being noisy...reaching up for things...bending over to tie their shoes...standing between you and an available light source. How do you stand it?

Mark: Well, what are you gonna do, huh? [laughs]

Kevin: Yeah, what are you gonna do?

Dave: Yeah, but I mean all these kids...ya know...and some of them are hardly kids anymore. Ever notice?

Mark: [looking at girls] Sorry, I didn't hear the question.

Dave: Well, I don't know about you guys but I find some of these girls...almost attractive [pause] Although crimanally under age...

Kevin: Well, actually in some cultures...[Tim kicks him behind the counter to shut him up]

Mark: Two dollars.

Dave: [pays them] Okay, two dollars, thanks. [leaves with food as a young knock out enters and walks to the counter. Tony almost faints but Tim keeps him up.]

Neve: Slice. [She smiles. Tony hands her the slice. Both guys are speech-less]

Kevin: [can't speak the words loud] Would you like a coke with that?

Neve: What?

Kevin: [still softly] Would you like a coke with that?

Neve: What?

Mark: He said would you like a coke with that?

Neve: Yes.

Kevin: [still softly] Large or small?

Neve: What?

Kevin: Large of small?

Neve: What?

Mark: He said large or small coke?

Neve: Oh...large.

Mark: [Hands it to her] There ya go. [They stare at her.]

Neve: [still smiling] How much is that? [Tony and Tim look at each other in agreement]

Mark: 50 cense.

Neve: WOW so cheap!

Kevin: Special prices for special girls.

Mark: Oh yeah...uh-huh...[She pays them and walks away to other girls. Then another girl enters to be met up with by two other girls. They walk up to the counter. Tony and Tim try to talk and say "hi" but can't get the words out.]

Girl 1: Yeah, we'd like three slices...

Girl 2: A jumbo coke...

Girl 3: And three straws.

Kevin: All right! Three slices for the missys...

Mark: Two slices for the missys.

Kevin: Three slices! [Gets them ready] One slic-a...two slic-a...three slic-a!

Girl 2: Excuse me, where are the straws?

Mark: [points to napkin holder high up] Over there. [She reaches up for it and grabs three napkins as Tony and Tim stare.]

Girl 1: Excuse me, Mr. Pizza Man?

Mark: Call me Uncle Pizza Man. [Girl 2 returns. Tim begins to chit-chat.] So girls, tough day at school?

Girl 2: Yeah...

Mark: Yeah? Owww...

Girl 1: Especially our last class. [They giggle]

Girl 3: Well, it kept me awake.

Kevin: Oh. What happened?

Girl 2: It was...Sex Education. [The girls bust up. Tony almost falls over but Tim keeps him up again.]

Mark: Boy I remember that class. What a dumb class, 'eh?

Kevin: Yeah, dumb class. [They repeat several times it was a dumb class.]

Mark: So, what did ya learn?

Girl 3: Well, today, he had to show us this film. [giggling.]

Kevin: Oh... [just then a police man enters the Parlor.]

Man: Excuse me...EXCUSE ME! This is the police...[shows Tony his badge.]

Kevin: Mahamanahamana...[holding a pizza slice to the officer.]

Man: What?

Mark: He said would you like a slice officer?

Man: No...I'm here on official police business.

Mark: Oh, what kind of official police business?

Man: Official! Something stinks in this city and it stinks from this Pizza Parlor. [Tony faints from the neverousness. Tim gets in place to be cuffed...but the officer goes towards the girls.]

Man: Laura Copelli?

Neve: Yes, I'm Laura Copelli.

Man: You're under arrest for the murder of your english teacher, Jacob Milner.

Neve: [She gets handcuffed.] Yeah, I did it. And I'd do it again if I had the chance. Always starring at me! [She gets taken out of the Parlor in cuffs. All the girls clap at her statement proudly. Two more ladies walk up to the counter, and Tony & Tim protect themselves, as they tremble, with a slice of pizza and a pizza slicer.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video