Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Simon's Date

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: [In restaurant. Illuminated skull on table. Close shot on Kevin.]

Kevin: [serious/dark-like:] Good evening. I am Sir Simon Milligan. And, welcome one mo' time to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. [cheery:] Tonight, conveniently located at Carlo's Italian Eatery. Carlo's is famous for its fine foods, its genuine Italian atmosphere, and. . .its capacity for evil. Oh waiter! Waiter.

[Waiter just walks by; no attention given to Kevin.]

Kevin: See? Evil! Evil part-timer. Evil waiter will receive an unholy tip. Tonight, I am joined for my dinner of doom by one Miss Helen Bathgate.

[Shot widens to include Bruce.]

Bruce: Well, thank you for inviting me; I'm having a wonderful ti--

Kevin: --Tell me, Helen, do you like lobster?

Bruce: Yes. I love lobster. Do they serve them here?

Kevin: No.

[Kevin presses a button. A cardboard sign on a metal stick rises behind Kevin's head. It reads, "Boy, I'm evil." It is then lowered.]

Bruce: Well, lets see what they do have then. [starts looking through the menu, but puts it down when Kevin begins talking again.]

Kevin: Helen? May I assume that your last boyfriend was a bastard?

Bruce: Yes!

Kevin: Yes, then tell me about him.

Bruce: Well, he had a cabbage for a head.

Kevin: You know, Helen, I'm not like other men.

Bruce: Really?

Kevin: Yes. Although I am the gatekeeper to the boys' club that is the underworld, I'm sensitive to a woman's needs. And I. . .walk alone along the path of evil.

Bruce: Like Johnny Cash!

Kevin: Sure. . . that'll work, like Johnny Cash. But Helen, still, I have my wants; I have my needs; I have my--

Dave: [pops up] I have your rash cream, master. Oh, I'm sorry. Have I come at a bad time?

Kevin: Helen Bathgate? Hecubus spawn of Satan. Hecubus spawn of Satan? Helen Bathgate.

Bruce: Will your friend be joining us? [hints "no" with body language.]

Kevin: Oh, I'm sure he's busy, a garage sale in hell or someth--

Dave: --No, I'm free!

Kevin: Evil!

Dave: [sits down next to Kevin] Yes.

Kevin: So, Helen, I suppose you and _I_ should order now.

Bruce: Yes, I really love Italian food which is odd don't you think, because I really hate those dirty wops.

[Kevin and Dave looked shocked at each other.]

Dave: Master, she is quite clearly a bigot.

Kevin: Yes, and yet I _do_ want to sleep with her.

Dave: What to do...

Kevin: What to do...

Dave: What to do...

Kevin: What to do...

Dave: What--

[Kevin motions to stop.]

Kevin: Yes, Helen. Those dirty deigoes bother me as well.

[Dave and Kevin laugh as Bruce smiles.]

Dave: And he really hates the Irish, too!

Kevin: Yes! The clover-eating bastards.

Bruce: Well, I find that very insulting because my father is Irish.

Kevin: Tss--tssss [at a loss for words.]

Dave: Oh, well, he only hates the drunken-mix.

Kevin: [still at a loss for words.] Yess. . .the drunken. . .

Bruce: well he's been going to AA for four years! He is trying! [gets up to leave.]

[Dave and Kevin get up also.]

Kevin: Wait my Irish rose!

Bruce: What?

Kevin: Helen? What do you think the odds are of you and I doing it?

Bruce: I don't think the odds are very good.

Kevin: Then you'll be surprised to find out that you and I will be doing it.

Bruce: What?!

Kevin: Hecubus?

[Dave throws white powder into Bruce's' face.]

Kevin: Helen Bathgate?

[Dave places hands under Kevin's arms to act out Kevin's words on Kevin.]

Kevin: You are a victim of the Zombie dust of Hates. I command you to embrace me. Stroke your fingers through my hair. And kiss my pouty lips.

[Bruce leaves. He obviously says _something_, but it is censored by Comedy Central. . .]

Kevin: Hecubus? That wasn't the Zombie dust of Hates, was it?

Dave: No, master. It was common talcum powder.

Kevin: Speed thee to hell!

[Kevin pushes Dave down by pushing on his head. Breaking wood, the floor, is heard. Cut to Dave looking up from floor, he is half in the hole/half above.]

Dave: [looking up] You're angry, aren't you Master?

Kevin: No Hecubus, just profoundly sexually frustrated.

[Dave gets up.]

Kevin: You see, Hecubus, tonight Evil sleeps alone. But first, Evil walks alone. . .to a magazine shop. . .to purchase porn.

Dave: Cheer up, master. Remember that masturbation is a sin.

Kevin: Yes! And that's a little evil.

Dave: Yes, a little tiny pathetic little--

Kevin: A little bit of evil. A little bit of evil.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video