Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[In restaurant. Illuminated skull on table. Close shot on Kevin.]
- Kevin: Sir Simon
- Dave: Hecubus
- Bruce: Helen Bathgate
Kevin: [serious/dark-like:] Good evening. I am Sir Simon Milligan. And, welcome one mo' time to the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. [cheery:] Tonight, conveniently located at Carlo's Italian Eatery. Carlo's is famous for its fine foods, its genuine Italian atmosphere, and. . .its capacity for evil. Oh waiter! Waiter.
[Waiter just walks by; no attention given to Kevin.]
Kevin: See? Evil! Evil part-timer. Evil waiter will receive an unholy tip. Tonight, I am joined for my dinner of doom by one Miss Helen Bathgate.
[Shot widens to include Bruce.]
Bruce: Well, thank you for inviting me; I'm having a wonderful ti--
Kevin: --Tell me, Helen, do you like lobster?
Bruce: Yes. I love lobster. Do they serve them here?
[Kevin presses a button. A cardboard sign on a metal stick rises behind Kevin's head. It reads, "Boy, I'm evil." It is then lowered.]
Bruce: Well, lets see what they do have then. [starts looking through the menu, but puts it down when Kevin begins talking again.]
Kevin: Helen? May I assume that your last boyfriend was a bastard?
Kevin: Yes, then tell me about him.
Bruce: Well, he had a cabbage for a head.
Kevin: You know, Helen, I'm not like other men.
Kevin: Yes. Although I am the gatekeeper to the boys' club that is the underworld, I'm sensitive to a woman's needs. And I. . .walk alone along the path of evil.
Bruce: Like Johnny Cash!
Kevin: Sure. . . that'll work, like Johnny Cash. But Helen, still, I have my wants; I have my needs; I have my--
Dave: [pops up] I have your rash cream, master. Oh, I'm sorry. Have I come at a bad time?
Kevin: Helen Bathgate? Hecubus spawn of Satan. Hecubus spawn of Satan? Helen Bathgate.
Bruce: Will your friend be joining us? [hints "no" with body language.]
Kevin: Oh, I'm sure he's busy, a garage sale in hell or someth--
Dave: --No, I'm free!
Dave: [sits down next to Kevin] Yes.
Kevin: So, Helen, I suppose you and _I_ should order now.
Bruce: Yes, I really love Italian food which is odd don't you think, because I really hate those dirty wops.
[Kevin and Dave looked shocked at each other.]
Dave: Master, she is quite clearly a bigot.
Kevin: Yes, and yet I _do_ want to sleep with her.
Dave: What to do...
Kevin: What to do...
Dave: What to do...
Kevin: What to do...
[Kevin motions to stop.]
Kevin: Yes, Helen. Those dirty deigoes bother me as well.
[Dave and Kevin laugh as Bruce smiles.]
Dave: And he really hates the Irish, too!
Kevin: Yes! The clover-eating bastards.
Bruce: Well, I find that very insulting because my father is Irish.
Kevin: Tss--tssss [at a loss for words.]
Dave: Oh, well, he only hates the drunken-mix.
Kevin: [still at a loss for words.] Yess. . .the drunken. . .
Bruce: well he's been going to AA for four years! He is trying! [gets up to leave.]
[Dave and Kevin get up also.]
Kevin: Wait my Irish rose!
Kevin: Helen? What do you think the odds are of you and I doing it?
Bruce: I don't think the odds are very good.
Kevin: Then you'll be surprised to find out that you and I will be doing it.
[Dave throws white powder into Bruce's' face.]
Kevin: Helen Bathgate?
[Dave places hands under Kevin's arms to act out Kevin's words on Kevin.]
Kevin: You are a victim of the Zombie dust of Hates. I command you to embrace me. Stroke your fingers through my hair. And kiss my pouty lips.
[Bruce leaves. He obviously says _something_, but it is censored by Comedy Central. . .]
Kevin: Hecubus? That wasn't the Zombie dust of Hates, was it?
Dave: No, master. It was common talcum powder.
Kevin: Speed thee to hell!
[Kevin pushes Dave down by pushing on his head. Breaking wood, the floor, is heard. Cut to Dave looking up from floor, he is half in the hole/half above.]
Dave: [looking up] You're angry, aren't you Master?
Kevin: No Hecubus, just profoundly sexually frustrated.
[Dave gets up.]
Kevin: You see, Hecubus, tonight Evil sleeps alone. But first, Evil walks alone. . .to a magazine shop. . .to purchase porn.
Dave: Cheer up, master. Remember that masturbation is a sin.
Kevin: Yes! And that's a little evil.
Dave: Yes, a little tiny pathetic little--
Kevin: A little bit of evil. A little bit of evil.