The Phantom of the Warehouse

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Rachel
Cast- [Kevin walks in and waves to Dave Bruce and Scott. They wave back and Kevin goes up to Mark]

Mark: Mornin' Sims.

Kevin: Mornin' Mr. Conners.

[Mark puts Kevin's face into a shirt presser. Kevin starts to muffle]

Mark: How was your weekend?

Kevin: Mr. Conners!

[Mark lets him out]

Kevin: [a little shaken up] How was yours?

Mark: None of your business, get to work.

Kevin: Hey guys.

Scott: Are you okay?

Kevin: Oh sure, sure.

Dave: Is it my imagination of is Conners getting worse?

Bruce: No I think he is getting worse. I did his laundry this weekend and lost one of his socks. He broke my collar bone.

[All nod and talk in agreement]

Scott: Yeah I heard ya brother, last week I as doing a double shift. Afterwards, I gotta go to his place and lick his dog's belly clean.

Bruce: Yeah I've done that.

Dave: Me too, and I wasn't hired to do that.

Kevin: I think we better get to work.

Bruce: How can you work? We saw what he did to you.

[Mark comes in]

Mark: What's with all the talking? You talk again I shave your bodies.

[All but Mark go to their places]

Mark:Well? isn't there something you wanna say?

Kevin, Bruce, Dave and Scott: Foreman Connors is great, he puts food on our plate. He holds all the power that I get Eleven-fourty one an hour.

Mark: Good, now get to work! [Starts playing tacky music]

Dave: [while placing boxes down next to Bruce] When I think about him, and how I have to go down to the river tonight and wash his_stinking_hair, it really makes me start to hate this job.

Kevin: [while licking gears] I didn't know you had to do that.

Dave: Yeah, condition it, set it, set it the whole thing, and I wasn't hired to do that too.

Bruce: And I am so sick of buffing his worts.

Scott: [chewing food and spiting it in a bag] And why can't he chew his own food?

["ewws" and "yucks" coming from the audience]

Kevin: You make it sound so horrible.

All but Kevin: Yeah it is, think about it. It is horrible.

[Mark comes back in]

Mark: Sims, I've got a pimple on my back. [puts his hand in his neckline and shows Kevin] I need you to squeeze it.

[Others look at Mark in disgust]

Mark: Yeah can't you hear it? It's saying [using squeaky voice] Squeeze me! Squeeze me! Squeeze me!

[Kevin looking mad keeps nodding his head in disgust. He takes a pot of coffee saying Internation Blends and throws it in Mark's face. Mark screams and looks in a nearby mirror. Mark with a red eye, shattered skin, and spiky teeth is looking into the mirror shocked at what he sees.]

Mark: Ahhhh! [in werid freakish voice] You've made me, a freak!

[Mark walks out into a hallwayand swooping his arm at Dave as he ducks down. Eerie music starts to play as he walks by. We cut back to the present. Kevin, looking older with gray hair, and a younger man are in the factory and Kevin ends his story.]

Kevin: ...and that's how he became, [pause] the phantom of the warehouse.

Young Man: Wow...

Kevin: And on Monday mornings, they say you can still hear him. You've got that straw?

Young Man: Yeah, [holding straw] do you want me to clean your ears now?

Kevin: [looking pleased and smiling] That's what I want.

[The man puts the straw into Kevin's ear and starts sucking on the other end.]

Mark: [in backround] Squeeze me! Squeeze me! [then in mirror reflection with his hand in his neckline of the shirt] Squeeze me! Squeeze me!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video