Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
- Bruce: Barten
- Scott: (1) woman boss; (2) old saggy-breasted woman cabbie
- Mark: male employee; Voice Over
- Kevin: Pen thief
- Dave: bank client
- Various extras: employees, in bank line-up, on street
Int. Bank -
[Bruce sits down at his desk.]
Bruce: My pen. My pen. My pen.
[Enter Scott (as boss).]
Scott(1): What Barten? What's all the ruckus?
Bruce: My pen. My pen. My pen is missing.
Scott(1): Yes. And?
Bruce: I--I I've lost all my--I lost my pen, the one I do all my work with.
Scott(1): Hmm. Here's--here's mine.
[Scott reaches out to hand Bruce his bic pen which is chewed up.]
Bruce: No! Has anyone here seen my pen?
[Cut to office workers shaking their heads "no."]
[Cut back to Bruce.]
Bruce: It was in my pocket before. [pause] No? Okay. Everything's fine. [whistles] I'm all right.
[Cut to Bruce on phone.]
Bruce: Listen. Did I leave my pen there last night? Come on, Neil, check.
[Mark walks by and continues to the hallway, stops, and peeks his head back around the corner.]
Mark: Heard you lost your pen. [Turns to leave, peeks back again] Maybe you lent it to someone.
Kevin: Can I borrow your pen for a second?
Bruce: Okay. Just don't run off with it.
[More music. Cut back and forth between Kevin and Bruce, closing in on their intense eyes. Bruce takes the pen out of his shirt pocket, accompanied by a sound resembling a sword being drawn. Cut to two hands. Kevin takes the pen in a scene resembling the Creation of Adam. Cut to head shot of Kevin. He licks the tip.]
[Cut back to Bruce - present]
Bruce: Ahh!! Stop him!
[Bruce leaves the phone area, dropping the phone receiver.]
Mark V.O.: Barten. Hang up the phone. I think it's just dangling.
[Cut to Bruce in front of bank line-up.]
Bruce: Stop `im!
[Bruce rips off his clip on tie and exits.]
Customers: [loud sighs.]
[Bruce is exiting bank. He spots Kevin hailing a cab.]
[Flashback: Kevin sticks the tip of the pen in his ear.]
[Cut to in flashback: Kevin stabbing someone in the chest with the pen.]
[Cut to in flashback: Kevin sticking the pen, still dripping with blood, in his ear.]
[Cut back to present.]
Bruce: My pen! Stop `im! He's got my pen!
[Bruce runs toward Kevin. Kevin gets in the cab.]
Bruce: My pen! My pen! My pen!!
[Close up: Bruce running, leaping. Cut to Bruce attached to the side of the cab, hands on doors, body stretched out to the trunk.]
Bruce: Hey! You've got my pen!
Scott(2): I think he's saying, "I'm a hot man."
Bruce: You've got my pen!
Scott(2): I think he's saying, uh, "I'm a mother hen."
Bruce: My pen! You've . . . got . . . my . . . pen! Hey, you've got my pen!
[Cab screeches to a stop. Bruce falls off the side. Kevin can now here.]
Bruce: [calmly] You've got my pen.
Kevin: Oh. Sorry. [gives Bruce his pen]
[Scott enters as boss and wraps Bruce in a blanket. Bruce is rocking and sobbing.]
Scott(1): There. You'll be all right. It's allll over. There we go. There we go. Yeah.
[Close shot of Dave, who is about to sign a form.]
Dave: Uh. Excuse me, can I borrow your pen for a sec?
[Expand shot, Dave shot from behind, focus on Bruce. Bruce has headgear with a chain and the pen attached at the end.]
Bruce: [reaches for pen] Okay. Just don't run off with it.
[Dave takes it and tries to write but the chain does reach. He pulls a little and Bruce leans his head make the chain reach.]