The Pen

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:

Int. Bank -

[Bruce sits down at his desk.]

Bruce: My pen. My pen. My pen.

[Enter Scott (as boss).]

Scott(1): What Barten? What's all the ruckus?

Bruce: My pen. My pen. My pen is missing.

Scott(1): Yes. And?

Bruce: I--I I've lost all my--I lost my pen, the one I do all my work with.

Scott(1): Hmm. Here's--here's mine.

[Scott reaches out to hand Bruce his bic pen which is chewed up.]

Bruce: No! Has anyone here seen my pen?

[Cut to office workers shaking their heads "no."]

[Cut back to Bruce.]

Bruce: It was in my pocket before. [pause] No? Okay. Everything's fine. [whistles] I'm all right.

[Cut to Bruce on phone.]

Bruce: Listen. Did I leave my pen there last night? Come on, Neil, check.

[Mark walks by and continues to the hallway, stops, and peeks his head back around the corner.]

Mark: Heard you lost your pen. [Turns to leave, peeks back again] Maybe you lent it to someone.


[Dramatic music--Flashback:]

Kevin: Can I borrow your pen for a second?

Bruce: Okay. Just don't run off with it.

[More music. Cut back and forth between Kevin and Bruce, closing in on their intense eyes. Bruce takes the pen out of his shirt pocket, accompanied by a sound resembling a sword being drawn. Cut to two hands. Kevin takes the pen in a scene resembling the Creation of Adam. Cut to head shot of Kevin. He licks the tip.]


[Cut back to Bruce - present]

Bruce: Ahh!! Stop him!

[Bruce leaves the phone area, dropping the phone receiver.]

Mark V.O.: Barten. Hang up the phone. I think it's just dangling.

[Cut to Bruce in front of bank line-up.]

Bruce: Stop `im!

[Bruce rips off his clip on tie and exits.]

Customers: [loud sighs.]


Ext. Street

[Bruce is exiting bank. He spots Kevin hailing a cab.]

[Flashback: Kevin sticks the tip of the pen in his ear.]

[Cut to in flashback: Kevin stabbing someone in the chest with the pen.]

[Cut to in flashback: Kevin sticking the pen, still dripping with blood, in his ear.]

[Cut back to present.]

Bruce: My pen! Stop `im! He's got my pen!

[Bruce runs toward Kevin. Kevin gets in the cab.]

Bruce: My pen! My pen! My pen!!

[Close up: Bruce running, leaping. Cut to Bruce attached to the side of the cab, hands on doors, body stretched out to the trunk.]

Bruce: Hey! You've got my pen!

Scott(2): I think he's saying, "I'm a hot man."

Bruce: You've got my pen!

Scott(2): I think he's saying, uh, "I'm a mother hen."

Bruce: My pen! You've . . . got . . . my . . . pen! Hey, you've got my pen!

[Cab screeches to a stop. Bruce falls off the side. Kevin can now here.]

Bruce: [calmly] You've got my pen.

Kevin: Oh. Sorry. [gives Bruce his pen]

[Scott enters as boss and wraps Bruce in a blanket. Bruce is rocking and sobbing.]

Scott(1): There. You'll be all right. It's allll over. There we go. There we go. Yeah.


Int. Bank

[Close shot of Dave, who is about to sign a form.]

Dave: Uh. Excuse me, can I borrow your pen for a sec?

[Expand shot, Dave shot from behind, focus on Bruce. Bruce has headgear with a chain and the pen attached at the end.]

Bruce: [reaches for pen] Okay. Just don't run off with it.

[Dave takes it and tries to write but the chain does reach. He pulls a little and Bruce leans his head make the chain reach.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video