Old Lady Falls Down

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Elizabeth Strong
Cast: [Setting. An urban street. Scott is walking with a cane, a purse, and a bag of oranges. The camera pans up from Scott's feet to his face.]

Scott: Hello there, Hillary.

Mark: [standing in the doorway of a shop] Oh, hello, Marjory!

Scott: That's a lovely display you have.

Mark: Oh, thank you! Have a lovely day!

Scott: You too, dear. [Mark is now offscreen, Scott continues walking down the street.] Hello, Peter!

[Scott turns, looking at Peter. He turns back, then trips and falls down.]

Scott: Oh God. Oh, oh, oh geez, oh, I've fallen. [to anyone who will pay attention] Um, excuse me, could you help me up there please, here?

[The old man comes and begins gathering up Scott's oranges and purse.]

Scott: Oh, thank you young man, I don't mean to be a bother. It's just that, you know, must have been some ice there, and I didn't see it, you know, and I don't quite have the balance that I used to, you know, and I don't mean to be a bother, it's just that I wouldn't mind the help.

[The old man begins backing away with the purse and oranges, leaving Scott on the ground.]

Scott: Th-those are my oranges. I'll take--you've got my oranges! Stop thief! [The old man turns and runs away.] Please, I'm uh. . . that man stole my oranges! Oh, no. Can somebody help me please? [motioning to a passerby] Oh, thank you, I just, it won't take much. . . . [The man walks by without stopping; Scott, annoyed, gets up slowly on his own.] Oh, God. Oh. . . .

[Kevin runs up behind Scott.]

Kevin: Are you all right, ma'am?

Scott: Get away.

[Scott turns and sprays mace in Kevin's eyes, then hits him in the legs with the cane; Kevin falls down, screaming.]

Kevin: Aaaaah! Oh! Daaah, doh, doh, daaah, dohhhhh!

Scott: [Walking away] Oh, stop it.

[Scott walks past the cops standing by their car; Bruce is drinking coffee. The police department logo comes up on the screen, reading: 4:30 P.M. Forest Hill Rd.]

Bruce: Gee, you sure we shouldn't have done something?

Mark: Nah, you d—you don't want to get involved in that, no.

Bruce: Yeah, 'cause uh, 'cause something goes wrong, uh, they can sue ya.

Mark: Oh yeah, and then some.

Bruce: Yep, sue ya.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video