Sizzler Sisters: One Clearly Insane Person

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Lanigan
Cast- [door knocks]

Dave: [leaving bedroom and turning on light switch in the living area] Honey, you stay in bed. I'll see who it is. [looks through peephole in door to see who's there] Aw, damn!

Woman: Who is it, dear?

Dave: Nobody important, dear. Go back to sleep.

[door keeps knocking]

Dave: [opens door as much as possible with latch still on it] Look, I'll let you in, but you've gotta promise to be quiet. [releases latch and opens door fully]

Kevin: Jerry! What's happened to you, Jerry? We were supposed to meet in Hyde Park, Jerry! I was waiting by a pile of leaves by the public lavatory, just like we agreed!

Dave: Look, I'm sorry, but you've--

Kevin: You never came, Jerry!

Dave: I know, but you've been too--

Kevin: I waited a month, you prrrick!

Dave: Don't call me that! Just don't call me that, okay?

Woman: [from bedroom] What's going on out there?

Dave: Nothing, hon, old army buddy dropped by. [in a quieter tone, to Kevin] Look, you've gotta keep your voice down.

Kevin: But Jerry--

Dave: Look, my name isn't Jerry; it's Lester. And your name isn't Jerry, either. It's Jean-Pierre.

Kevin: Don't be silly, Jerry. That's a FRENCH name!

Dave: Yes, and before you became...chemically unbalanced, you were a respected French mime instructor.

Kevin: Jerry, you are clearly insane! [makes crazy symbol with hand]

Dave: No, I am clearly NOT insane. You are the clearly insane one!

Kevin: Jerry, I'm not clearly insane; I'm your sister, dammit! I'm you're sister! Here, quick, put these on [hands Dave a blond wig and a red-and-grey striped bathrobe] before you catch your death!

[Woman steps out of bedroom and into living area. As she does so, Kevin covers his eyes.]

Woman: Honey, honey, you were never in the army, were you?

Dave: No, hon, you're right. No, I-I-was-I was never in the army, but my friend was in the army when we *became* friends, and I don't think there's any rule that says you have to actually BE in the army in order to have an army buddy, is there? Am I wrong about this?

Woman: No, I guess not.

Dave: Well, great! Then I'd like you to meet my pal...Sarge. [Kevin uncovers eyes and salutes Woman] Sarge, I'd like you to meet Judy. Judy, Sarge. [Woman and Kevin shake hands] So why don't you go back to bed now, hon? Everything's okay.

Woman: Nice meeting you, Sarge.

[Kevin salutes Woman and says something inaudible. Woman goes back to bedroom]

Kevin: Jerry, who's that strange man?

Dave: That's my wife, Judy! Can't you see that I have a whole life here now?

Kevin: Jerry, what's happened to you?

Dave: I started to take the medication. It works! It really works! You should try it! You could go back to being a French mime!

Kevin: Jerry, you're frightening me!

Dave: Oh, come on, Jean-Pierre, don't you miss it? Walking against the wind [walk against wind], huh? Or the box [makes box motion], huh? Or the flying bird [makes flying bird motion with hands]

Kevin: Wait, Jerry! Get out of that box before that bird pecks your eyes out!

Dave: There is no bird! I was just miming, you prrrick!

Kevin: Jerry, [something inaudible]

Dave: No, no, no, no, no, you just upset me. You've just got me a little bit rattled. All I need to do is take my pills and I'll be fine [runs across room and reaches for a pill bottle]. Look--[Kevin snatches pill bottle from Dave]Jea--Jea--Jea--Jean-Pierre, give me those pills back!

Kevin: But I don't HAVE them, Mr. Lester!

Dave: Look, just give me those pills, all right? Give me the pills, I mean it! I really want those pills! [Is trying to snatch back the pill bottle from Kevin the entire time]

Kevin: Monkey in the middle! [throws pill bottle to floor] Oops! [squeals]

Dave: Look, give me the pills!

Kevin:[grabs pill bottle, singing] Has anybody seen my sweet gypsy rose--[keeps singing something I don't understand as Dave tries to settle with him]

Dave: I want those pills, I want those pills now! I mean it, you prrrick!

Dave and Kevin: She's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes!

Dave: Jerry!

Kevin: Jerry!

Dave: Good to see you!

Kevin: Good to see you!

Dave: [grunts, puts on wig] Good for you Jerry! [?] We must get back in training for the '76 Olympics!

Kevin: Good idea, Jerry! You're a genius!

Dave and Kevin: [walking out the door, singing] On the road again, just can't wait to get back on the road again...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video