Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by:

[Scott and Kevin are seated at the dinner table.]

Kevin: Are you enjoying your meal, Danny?

Scott: Huh? Oh yeah. It's fine food.

Kevin: You seem distracted, dear.

Scott: Huh? Huh.

Kevin: Did something happen at work?

Scott: No!

Kevin: Good.

[Scott made to mounds of potatoes and now tops each with a cherry tomato.]

Scott: I have nipples, you know.

Kevin: Fine. I'll just clear the dishes then. La la. . .

Scott: No! Put the damn plate down. I want to talk about my nipples.

Kevin: Well, what do you want to say about them?

Scott: Okay. First of all, they're very sensitive.

Kevin: [worried] Oooh. . .

Scott: And I wish you'd pay more attention to them. Just because they're not floating around on the end of a pair of boobs doesn't mean they should be ignored.

Kevin: Well, that's wonderful, dear. It's just wonderful.

Scott: Fine. Then why won't you touch them?

Kevin: I don't know. I just don't feel right.

Scott: C'mon, why not?

Kevin: Well. First of all, it's a proven fact that men's nipples are unsanitary.

[Scott laughs.]

Kevin: Yes! They are a cesspool for germs.

Scott: Why, that is patently ridiculous!

Kevin: And, second of all, you [hesitates] pee through them.

Scott: What? I pee through my penis.

Kevin: Oh my God!! [Kevin begins rinsing his mouth out with water.] Why didn't you say something?! Oh my God!

Scott: I guess we both have a lot to learn about out bodies. C'mon let's start now.

Kevin: No! Oh!

Scott: It's just a nipple.

Kevin: Oh my God!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video