New Dog

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
Cast:

[Scene takes place at Kevin's in a room. Dave and Kevin are both sitting on a couch silently.]

Dave: So where is it?

Kevin: [gets up and goes behind couch] Hold your horses. Hold your horses. [picks up a white dog and shows it to Dave] Ta-da! Her name is Tiggy. [walks back to the front of the couch]

Dave: Oh yeah?

Kevin: [putting dog on floor] Here Tiggy. [sits down on couch]

Dave: So. Tsk, what does it do?

Kevin: Huh?

Dave: Tsk. [to the dog who doesn't move as Dave talks to her] Come on, lie down. Lie down. Roll over. Come on. Lie down. Roll over. Play dead. [to Kevin] What a useless dog!

Kevin: Huh?

Dave: It doesn't do anything. Gotta go Jerry. [gets up and walks towards door] Thanks for lettin' me see your dog.

Kevin: Okay Phil. See you later. Thanks for dropping by.

Dave: Yeah… [leaves]

Kevin: [gets off couch and standing up talks to dog] You humiliated me in front of my friend. What the hell *do* you do? I've no reason to keep you. For what? To piss on my floor? To eat my food? Huh? What *do* you do? Justify your existence! You either do a trick or I'm gonna kick you on your ass! [goes over to a mantel and picks up a clock which he brings back to the dog and places in front of the dog] You got one hour to perform a trick or you're out!

[Kevin leaves the room. The time is 3:07. Later, the hands of the clock have moved. It is 3:34. An ashtray with cigarettes in it is sitting on the floor beside the dog. Beside the ashtray there is a cigarette box on top of which there is a matchbook. At 3:57 the cigarettes, ashtray and matchbook are gone and the dog uses her paw to move the minute hand of the clock counterclockwise so that the time becomes 3:07 again. Kevin shows up.]

Kevin: Okay, play dead. [dog looks at Kevin and doesn't move] No? [Kevin looks at clock] You got one hour then out

[Kevin leaves room. At 3:57 the dog moves the hand of the clock back to 3:07. Kevin comes back. Tiggy just sits there. Kevin looks at the clock.]

Kevin: You got one hour then out! [Kevin leaves. Dog moves the clock's hand back. Kevin comes back. Dog doesn't move.] You got one hour then out! [Kevin leaves. Dog moves the clock's hand back. Kevin comes back. Dog doesn't move.] You got one hour then out! [Kevin leaves. Dog moves the clock's hand back. Kevin comes back. Dog doesn't move.] You got one hour then out!

[Kevin is sitting on a chair, has beard and mustache and is talking on the phone]

Kevin: What do you mean I haven't been to work for a week? Are you crazy? It's Sunday three o'clock. I've been training my dog. What do you mean I'm fired, are you crazy? What do you mean it's Friday evening? It's Sunday three o'clock. I've been training my dog!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video