The Earrings Are His

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
Cast: [Scene begins in Bruce's bedroom. He is in bed sleeping under a cover on top of which there are alcohol bottles, a pizza slice and its box.]

Bruce: [wakes up] What? Where am I? [looks around] Oh. I'm home. [lies back down]

Kevin: [as woman, enters room] Surprise!

Bruce: [jumps up startled] Huh?

Kevin: [puts travel bag on floor] I'm back.

Bruce: Oh, hi honey.

Kevin: [walks over to a chest on which he puts his purse as he says] I took an earlier flight. [walks over to bed and sits beside Bruce] I couldn't stay away from you any longer.

Bruce: Ah, that's great. Mmmm... [makes 'kissing' lips and leans towards Kevin]

Kevin: [leans over to kiss Bruce but stops and turns away] Oh. You've been drinking.

Bruce: Y-yeah to be honest honey I got really drunk with the guys. [Kevin smiles] You know a-all guys. You know me baby. I'm a, I'm a guy's guy.

Kevin: Oh honey I don't care if you go out with the guys. [kisses Bruce]

Bruce: Oh, that's so sweet.

[Kevin and Bruce hug]

Kevin: Your baby's back.

Bruce: My baby. [kisses Kevin's neck]

Kevin: She's back to stay. [Bruce still kisses Kevin's neck and moans. Over Bruce's shoulder, Kevin sees a pair of earrings on the night table. He picks them up and shows them to Bruce] What are these?

Bruce: [looks at earrings and pauses] They're... earrings.

Kevin: Tsk. And why are there earrings by our bed?

Bruce: They're mine.

Kevin: What?

Bruce: Come on honey, it's... the 90s. Men wear earrings.

Kevin: But you don't have pierced ears.

Bruce: [wide-eyed and chuckling nervously] Of course I do. [Takes earring from Kevin and pushes it into his ear. Blood spurts out. He contains the pain and pushes the remaining earring into his other ear. Kevin looks at Bruce with eyebrows raised. Bruce contains the pain his face shows] How do they look?

[Scene changes to an office. Bruce pours water from a water machine into a paper cup. He's in suit and wears the earrings from the previous scene.]

Bruce: [drinks some water] Oh yeah. [goes to lean on a desk in the office]

Mark: [enters wearing a red bra over his suit jacket and stops to get a cup of water] I think we overdid it a bit last night. [drinks water]

Bruce: Yeah, I think so. [drinks water]

Kevin: [enters wearing a pink slip over his shirt and pants carrying his jacket over his shoulder] Never again. [goes to lean on a desk]

Dave: [enters] Never, never again. [goes to sit beside Bruce and opens his own jacket to reveal that over his pants he is wearing purple garters which still hold one sock] Oh. And I'm on the birth control pill now too.

Scott: [enters and stops near Mark] What a night! [laughing] Hey, you guys look pretty funny.

Mark: Stop it.

Bruce: Hey you were with us last night, Harris.

Scott: Oh yeah.

Mark: Yeah. Where did you go?

Scott: [unbuttons his jacket, puts arms on hips and jacket behind arms to reveal that he has two ties on] The washroom.

Dave: What're you wearing two ties for?

Mark: Yeah. [picks up one of the ties]

Scott: [nervously] Uh... Hey guys. Everybody's wearing two ties nowadays. It's the 90s. You know?

All except Scott: [nodding] Oh yeah...

Bruce: That's alright.

Scott: [to the others] Get with it, eh? [all start walking around]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video