The Wig Shop

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Joshua Moore
[The sketch, which is all in black-and-white, starts with a shot of a peaceful, serene woodland setting, which seems oddly like a shot of the Canadian wilderness, complete with pine trees, a lake, etc. The camera then sharply cuts to a shot of an alarm clock going off. Bruce, a meek, obviously balding man, is in bed, wearing a sleep mask on his eyes. As he hears the alarm clock, he immediately gets up, shrugging off the covers to reveal that he is already wearing his suit. A large name tag, which reads "MR. MANN", is pinned to his chest. He takes off the sleep mask to reveal that the woodland scene we just saw is on the opposite side. He puts it down on the night stand next to his alarm clock, which is still ringing. He picks it up, holding it right to his eyes, almost bumping his head with it, and turns it off. Putting it back, a eerie grin appears on Bruce's face. He looks down at his hands, on which he sees microscopic parasites swarming all over his palms. He slowly, purposefully, walks to his closet, on which there is a mirror. As he looks into it, he says:]

Bruce: No one must ever know... my horrible secret.

[He opens a small cupboard, and as angelic singing sounds, we see a wig on a wooden head, next to which sits a small bottle of what I assume to be a bottle of head cream, or shampoo. As light shines down on the wig, he picks it up, and places it on his bald head. However, we can plainly see that the wig fits rather poorly, and is rather obvious. Patting it down, he says:]

Bruce: MY secret... [stage whisper] I will take to the grave.

[Hearing a squeak from his left, he turns around, a psychotic glare in his eyes. We see a puppet squirrel sitting on the open windowsill, looking at him. He lunges at it, grasping it in his hands, struggling with it. We see shots of the squirrel, then back to Bruce, staggering around the room with the squirrel in his hands. Suddenly, we hear the squirrel's back break, and hear it emit a death sign. Holding the dead squirrel in his hands, he whispers:]

Bruce: NO ONE.

[He hears a noise, turns sharply around, and sees there cleaning lady staring at him with fright in her eyes. He drops the dead squirrel, and trying to act cool, says:]

Bruce: I... dropped my shampoo.

[He steps in front of the squirrel, hiding it from view. The cleaning stares at him for a few more seconds, then steps out, obviously freaked out. ]

[We cut to a scene where Bruce is walking down the street. The SMOASP are playing a jazzy tune, which indicates that Bruce obviously thinks he is The Man. The way he is walking also indicates such. As he walks down the street, a child with his mother points to his head. Bruce looks down at the child, then, with a very jerky and awkward shrug, continues to walk down the street. A man with a dog cross paths with him, at which point the dog starts to bark at him. We cut to Bruce, who is maniacally staring at the dog. He looks at his watch, then looks back at the dog, says:]

Bruce: Time... for work.

[He nods his head very fast, and smiles insanely.]

[He heads for a door, which reads "Mr. Mann's Wig Shop." He walks in, steps behind the counter, and breathes a sigh of relief, thinking that he is safe. However, he sharply looks at a wooden mannequin head with a Baroque-looking wig on it. His gaze slowly returns to the front, but he then sharply looks at a row of wooden wig heads. He is then suddenly distracted by a customer.]

Man: [holding a wig] Do you think this wig would look right?

Bruce: [visibly uncomfortable] H-how would I know anything about a wig? [The way he says "wig" makes it sound as if he has never heard of a wig before in his life. Another man walks up with a wig.]

Other Customer: Is this wig made of real, or synthetic hair?

Bruce: [still very uncomfortable] How would I know? [Beat] I have to go. I have to get a haircut. Shop's closed... [waving his hand awkwardly at the door] which means you all have to leave soon. [closes the door behind himself.]

[He is now frantically running down the street, back to his apartment. The SMOASP are now playing faster, more jiltedly. Perhaps due to his rising panic, he does not notice that the wig he is wearing flies off his head, and lands on the sidewalk. He continues to run.]

[Cut to Bruce running up the stairs to his apartment. He runs into the cleaning lady, who now notices that his wig is gone. Perhaps knowing what will happen as a result, she starts to freak out again. Bruce, trying again to play it cool, says:]

Bruce: Has... my shampoo arrived yet? [The lady quickly shakes her head. He is still standing there, looking at her, smiling. She quickly walks away. He rolls his eyes upward, and sighs with relief. He then opens the door, and goes in. He strolls to his mirror, when he finally notices that his wig is no longer on his head. He starts to spaz, then, screaming an animal screech, smashes his fist into his reflection on the mirror. He does it again, and again, the third time shattering the mirror. Panting with rage, he then notices the dead squirrel lying on the floor.]

[Cut to the Wig Shop. Bruce is standing behind the counter, with the dead squirrel on the top of his head, laid out like a toupee.]

Bruce: [looking around suspiciously] No one must know my secret... or else... it wouldn't be a secret.

[Cut to the mannequin-head with the Baroque wig on it.]

Bruce: [whispering psychotically] Nice hair, Mr. Maaaaaaannnnnnn...

[Cut to Bruce, who, looking off -camera at a customer, says: ]

Bruce: Can I help you?

[The sketch ends with the shot of Bruce's face with the dead squirrel on his head, slipping into slow-motion, as a jarring final note is played, showing just how crazy Mr. Mann is. Fade to black.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video