Tucker: The Mouse

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[Mark is in his apartment. He's in bed sleeping. Noises are heard. A crash. A scream. Bark. Skidding tires. Sirens. Bark. Pitter-patter on the floor. Mark lifts his head, gasps. Looks around. Pitter-patter. He gasps. Moves up against the headboard.]

Mark: Mouse.

[Pitter-patter. Mark hits the wall behind the headboard with his palm and tries to get up from bed but his foot gets stuck in the covers and he falls down on the floor. Goes unconscious for a few seconds. Then he opens his eyes and gasps when he sees the mouse in front of him on the floor. He tries to smash it with his fist but misses. The mouse runs away and Mark crawls after it trying to smash it with his fist. The mouse reaches his mouse hole at the bottom of a wall, chirrups, enters.]

Mark: [looking into the mouse hole] Dumb move mouse! [singing] Now I know where you li-ive. Now I know where you li-ive. [gets up from floor; the mouse chirrups]

[It is 'morning'. Mark is in his kitchen standing near the table. In a lunchbox on the table he drops two apples. Then he puts a mustard squeeze-bottle, a knife, a sardine-can, and a pack of cheese slices on the table. He takes bread off the counter and looks at it. He lifts it up to his eye and sees that there's a tunnel through it. He tilts the bread to look inside and screams as mouse poop granules fall from the tunnel on his face. As he screams he drops the bread on the table, wipes his face, and runs his hands through his hair. Fade to outdoors where Mark and his co-worker are sitting together. The man drinks from a cup. Mark is holding a thermos. He takes off the cap/cup, lifts it up, looks inside it. He knocks it with the thermos and then puts it back on.]

Brian: Tucker, you look like crap man.

Mark: There's this mouse in my apartment. It won’t let me sleep. It ate my bread. Pooped in my bread!

Brian: [looking ahead] My aunt had a mouse once. Funny little guy, you know, a little spot on its head. Little tiny feet. Used to pitter-patter around all the-- [makes pitter-patter sounds] And this weird squeak of 'EEK'! [to Mark] Hey. You're okay.

Mark: Yeah?

Brian: [nodding] Yeah. [drinks from cup; bell rings] Alright Tuck. Back to work.

[Mark picks up the mouse head of a mouse costume and puts it on his head. Cut Brian behind a counter in front of some kids putting three chunks of synthetic triangular cheese in front of Kid.]

Brian: There you go kid. [puts down two chunks] Hit the mouse with the cheese. [puts down another chunk beside the other two] Alright kids! Are you ready?

Kids: [all with cheese in front of them] Yeah!

[From a mouse hole, Mark comes out in front of the kids in his mouse costume. Above the hole it says "HIT THE MOUSE WITH THE CHEESE".]

Mark: [waving] Hey kids. Hi kids. I'm hungry for cheese but *you* can't hit me. Whoo. [moves about] Whoo. Whoooo. Whoooooo. [makes more 'oo'ey sounds]

[kid hits Mark with cheese and Mark falls down]

Kid: Yes!

[Brian hands the kid a stuffed toy. Later. It's nighttime. Mark comes home and empties a bag containing mousetraps on the kitchen table. Cut to Mark sitting down at the table holding a piece of cheese in his hand and looking/touching the mousetraps. Cut to Mark talking on the phone while holding a mousetrap in his hands.]

Mark: Okay. So which way is the lever go? And, and where's the cheese go? Which side? Oh okay I... ye- [mousetrap snaps his finger] AAH!!

[Later. His finger is bandaged and he's putting a mousetrap with cheese on the floor. Then he puts another mousetrap directly against the mouse hole.]

Mark: Khooo...

[There are two mousetraps on either side of this last mousetrap. Cut to Mark pouring drink from bottle into glass.]

Mark: [as he looks at mouse hole and gives 'cheers' with the glass] Now I wait. [drinks from glass; coughs]

[Later. Mark is sitting on the bed making 'oil' marks on his face with his finger. Later. Mark is standing and drinking the last of the alcohol from the bottle. Puts bottle down. Later. Mark is lurching about the room.]

Mark: [pointing (to mouse hole)] You. [lurches] I'm hammered.

[Cut to Mark making it as though his hands were holding a rifle and shooting it. Cut to Mark putting the empty liquor bottle in a slingshot and shooting it at the floor. Cut to Mark dancing. Fade to Mark sleeping in bed. The mouse flies across his head in a toy airplane. Snap of a mousetrap. Mark wakes up. He looks around and sees a mousetrap with the mouse caught in it and dead.]

Mark: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha!

[Goes to get a closer look. Cut to white screen due to the flash of a photographer's camera. The photographer has just taken a picture of the mouse's place of death. There is a black outline on the floor where the mouse's body was found. Another flash. Mark is sitting on the bed and is being handcuffed by a policeman. Man PG is standing near Mark taking notes.]

Mark: Come on. I didn't do nothing wrong.

[View of mouse lying on an ambulance table. Someone pulls a cover over it.]

Mark: I'm the victim.

[Two policemen roll the ambulance table out of the apartment. Another policeman is in the room collecting evidence. Two people are standing in Mark's doorway looking inside his apartment. They move away when the table is rolled out.]

Mark: I didn't do nothing. Just a mouse...

Man: [to the policeman who cuffed Mark] Get him outta here.

[policeman guides Mark out of the apartment]

Mark: But it's just-- I-- nooo... nooo...

[Photographer takes another picture. Man wipes his forehead with a cloth (or tissue) as he looks down at the mouse's place of death. The evidence-collector is dusting for prints. The two people from before come in the doorway again and look inside Mark's apartment.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video