Marriages

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Dave, as a bride, comes running out of the church with her new husband, Mark, as well-wishers throw rice on them. Her maid-of-honor is the last to be shown, and the most enthusiastic member of the crowd.]

[Cut to the morning after the wedding. Dave stands at the window of their hotel room, looking out.]

Dave: Hey hon, whadya say we jump up, and get dressed, and go out and have a glorious breakfast? Huh?

[Mark is crouched down in the corner behind a bureau, peeking out over the top of it at Dave.]

Mark: [struggling to speak, sounding incredibly melancholy] I'd love to, honey, but I seem to be paralyzed by a deep, dark, brooding depression.

Dave: Oh. Well, when did this happen?

Mark: [defensively] I don't know! Sometime after the- wedding ceremony, I guess.

Dave: Well, I guess maybe our marriage was a mistake, huh? I guess maybe we should get a divorce.

Mark: [suddenly very happy] Bingo! That's it! [coming out from behind the bureau to stand in the center of the room] That's it, yes! Let's get a divorce, that's it, yes honey! [almost jumping up and down with glee] Come on, let's go eat and then let's get a divorce! No, wait- let's get a divorce first, then we'll eat! Boy, all of a sudden I feel great! Aw, come on, honey! Let's get a divorce!

[Cut to in front of the church. Dave comes out with husband #2, Bruce. Again, her maid-of-honor is the most enthusiastic one there.]

[Cut to Bruce and Dave in bed on their wedding night. Bruce looks upset, and Dave looks disappointed.]

Bruce: I don't know what's wrong. Guess I'm just a little bit nervous.

Dave: It's okay. I understand.

Bruce: Yeah. Maybe we could try again, uh, in the morning.

Dave: Yeah, in the morning.

Bruce: Sure.

Dave: Goodnight.

[Dave rolls over to go to sleep. Another woman sneaks in, and Bruce motions her into bed with him. She gets on top of him, and they start to have sex. The girl sneezes, and wakes up Dave.]

[Cut to the church again. Dave emerges with husband #3, Kevin. The same maid-of-honor is still there.]

[Cut to Dave, lying on a couch and smoking a cigarette.]

Dave: No. I did not know that you had a twin. You're telling me that on even days, I've been sleeping with your brother?

[Two Kevins stand side-by-side, getting dressed.]

Kevin: Yeah.

Kevin #2: And he's been sleeping with my wife.

Kevin: I hope you're not mad, 'cause my brother and I have a good thing going here.

[Both Kevins laugh.]

[Cut to the church again. Dave comes out with husband #4, Scott. However, as they come down the steps, a man - Norm Hiscock - standing by the limo pulls out a gun and shoots Scott seven times. Scott collapses, dead.]

[Cut to outside the church, yet again. Dave emerges with the maid-of-honor, also in a bridal gown. They reach the bottom of the steps and turn to kiss each other.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video