Danny Husk: Blade Rogers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: mcdanielson@stthomas.edu
Cast: [Sketch begins with Dave in his office hitting golf ball into little plastic cup. Scott Enters]

Scott: You wanted to see me sir?

Dave: Yeh Danny. I, ah, wanted to show you something Dan. Ahhh...

Scott: Is it a mole?

Dave: No, no it's not a mole, Dan.

Scott: Oh, I thought it might be a mole...

Dave: No.

Scott: ...and maybe you wanted me to see if it had gotten any bigger. Cause I know how hard it is to see certain areas of your body without a mirror.

Dave: I know whatcha mean, Dan, but no, no, no it's not a mole. I wanted to show you a film, Dan.

Scott: Oh. Home Alone?

Dave: No, it's not Home Alone, although that is a fine film, Dan.

[Dave presses button on remote, cabinet opens to reveal T.V. screen, lights go off. Movie begins.]

Scott: Love the movies.

[A much younger Danny Husk appears, with long hair, tight clothes, and an enormous bulge in his pants. Words on screen say "BLADE ROGERS" as young Danny walks down the street. Cut to old Danny looking very uncomfortable. Back to T.V. Women is shown, with name "DALIA DEEPER" Young Danny enters hotel room and sees woman, Title of movie appears: "ROOM SERVICED" Dalia beckons to young Danny, Danny licks his lips. Dalia beckons again, young Danny jumps onto her, and they proceed to have porn star sex. Dave turns movie off, lights go back on.]

Dave: Dan?

Scott: Huh?

Dave: Is that you Dan? Are you, Are you Blade Rogers, Dan?

Scott: [Uncomfortable Laugh, then serious] Well, ah, Sir, part of me is. The part of me that is still that young runaway, with dreams of a Hollywood career in his eyes, and I hope that part never dies. But the other part, the part that works here for you at AT&Love is certainly *not* Blade Rogers. No way...

Dave: Dan-

Scott: Yes, sir?

Dave: You're fired, Dan.

Scott: Geez! God, I didn't think it'd be like this. I mean, I always knew I'd be fired, but I always thought I'd be fired for misappropriation of funds, or criminal negligence, or maybe even for screwing your wife...

Dave: Dan, I wanna rehire ya.

Scott: What?

Dave: But I want you to do what you do best, and that's make porno Danno.

Scott: But sir, I don't understand. Since when does AT&Love make pornographic pictures?

Dave: Well Dan, let me explain. [During the following speech, Scott interjects "I see" and "ahh" as he's responding to Dave]. It's ever since we bought out International Compufax. Ya see, Compufax owned Lorresco Mines, which, ah, was a holding company for Excelsior Communications, which had a controlling interest in "Knob o' Throb" films.

Scott: Ah.. that's my old studio.

Dave: So, since we've bought out Compufax, Dan, it seems we're one of North America's most profitable pornographic film studios. And, we own a weight loss clinic and most of the Galapagos Islands.

Scott: I see.

Dave: So, what do you say, Dan? A body like yours doesn't belong in a suit.

Scott: Oh, sir, really. I've put on a few pounds over the years...

Dave: Oh Dan, no one's gonna be looking at your love handles. They're gonna be staring at the old "Husk" handle.

Scott: Oh, sir, really...

Dave: I mean, you've got a beautiful tool boy...

Scott: You're embarrassing me...

Dave: Don't be embarrassed, you know it's true!

Scott: Well, thank you for that. And, well, I must admit that I do have an idea for a screen play.

Dave: Oh! Weave your web, baby. I'm all ears!

Scott: Okay, it's about this woman [makes hand gestures to indicate large breasts as he says "woman"]

Dave: I love it!

Scott: There's more!

Dave: More? Oh, gosh Dan, go on.

Scott: She goes away on vacation and she forgets her husband.

Dave: Uh huh.

Scott: And these two gorgeous burglars break in [makes breast gesture again] and...

Dave: Dan, do you think we could make this film in the Galapagos?

Scott: Well, I suppose I could make him a marine biologist.

Dave: Great, cause I just don't have clue what to do with them islands. [long pause] Well Dan, now that I own it, what say I see it.

Scott: [Looks embarrassed, then nods]

Dave: C'mon Dan.

Scott: Well, you are the boss. [Scott stands up, begins to unbuckle belt, unzip fly...]

Dave: That's it. Unfurl it boy. [Scott continues to undo pants] C'mon it's not a flag, let it touch the ground. [Scott finishes, makes gesture of removing himself, loud thump is heard as if something has hit the floor. Scott throws arms out to side triumphantly Dave has very wide eyed, surprised stare, he then picks up the phone.] Bingo? Would you get me Loins of London, please."

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video