Horsey Is Your Daddy

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
Cast- [A living room, with a couch at center and a sliding glass door in the rear wall. Mark stands to the left of the door and yells outside.]

Mark: Tracy, could you come in here please?

Dave: Coming!

[Clip-clopping noises like hooves.]

Dave: Giddyup horsey, giddyup horsey!

[Dave, dressed in a schoolgirl's uniform, enters riding piggyback on Scott. Dave has a bubbly, giddy demeanor, and a huge smile.]

Dave: Giddyup horsey, whoa, whoa!

[Dave gets down. Scott rears back and whinneys like a horse.]

Dave: Would you like some sugar?

[Dave gets some lumps of sugar out of his shirt pocket and offers them to Scott. Scott eats out of his hand.]

Dave: Good horsey! What is it, Mummy?

Mark: My, Tracy, you're getting to be such a big girl now, aren't you?

Dave: Yes I am, Mummy.

Mark: Well I think it's time you and I had a talk about Horsey.

Dave: He's such a good horsey, I do love him so much Mummy.

[Dave looks at Scott, and Scott rears back and whinneys like a horse.]

Mark: I know you do, dear, but there's something you should know about Horsey.

Dave: What could you be talking about, Mummy?

Mark: Horsey is your daddy, dear.

[Scott starts to look vaguely uncomfortable.]

Dave: That's silly, Mummy, how could a horse be my daddy?

Mark: Because Horsey is not a horse, he's a person.

Dave: That's a lie. You're a filthy liar, Mummy!

Mark: [looking past Dave at Scott] I wish you'd back me up on this.

[Scott whinneys again.]

Mark: Stop it, Harry! Stop it! We'd agreed that we'd do this today.

Scott: I'm afraid it's true, honey, I'm very sorry.

[Mark steps closer to Dave, and Scott puts a hand on Dave's shoulder. The smile fades from Dave's face, as he starts to look upset.]

Mark: You see, when you were a baby, you loved playing horsey so much that as you grew up, we didn't have the heart to tell you, but-

Scott: Yes, but now you're so big and your old dad's back just can't support you anymore.

Mark: We're sure you understand-

Scott: Please, honey-

[Dave shakes Scott's hand from his shoulder and starts to scowl.]

Dave: [shouting] No! I want my horsey! I want my horsey! I want my horsey!

[Dave takes a deep breath and holds it, his cheeks puffing out.]

Scott: I'm afraid we may have spoiled our daughter, dear.

Mark: I know, but what do we do?

Scott: [stepping towards Mark, behind the couch] Well, there's only one thing to do.

[Scott bends over and picks up a shotgun. He cocks the gun and aims it.]

Mark: [quietly] Okay.

[Mark holds the barrel of the gun to help Scott aim. Kevin enters through the door behind them, dressed in denim overalls.]

Kevin: No wait, I'll do it.

[Sad, sentimental music starts, as Kevin takes the gun from Scott.]

Dave: [shouting again] I want my horsey! I want my horsey!

[The music stops, and Kevin shoots, getting sprayed with a lot of blood.]

Mark: You're a man now, Toby.

[Hoedown music starts. Kevin stands to the side, sobbing, as the other three dance to the music. The prop guy gets up from behind the couch and walks off the set to the left.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video