Homo Alone

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
[Scott appears on camera with a yellow towel around his head, a brightly colored one around his body and a sheet tied around hsi neck with a cape. He is standing with his hands in his hips like he is a superhero.]

Scott: Good evening. Have you ever gazed upon elegance personified? Well look again! [strikes a few poses] Do you remember when you were little, and your parents, and brorthers and sisters went out and they left you at the house all to yourself? Well what did you do? Search through your parents' bedroom for Playboys, sniff glue in Dad's workshop. Or did you, dress up like a beauuuuutiful laaady? If you did, you're probably a girl, or a gay boy. This is a gay home alone outfit.

[Strikes a cute little schoolgirl pose]

It's a simple ensemble (pronounsed onsom) classic really, like a black chenille dress. First of all what you need is a common bathtowel. Yellow preferably. Which you knot on top of your head for the illusion of long girly blond hair.

[strokes the towel like it is long girly blond hair]

Next a brightly colored towel for your Dorothy LeMore, Betty Rubble sarong. Next, a sheet from the bed which you use to create your urban cape, fit for a queen! And finally, no beautiful lady is complete without her high heels.

[Graps two empty coke cans and throws them on the floor. He steps on one with the heel of each foot so they stick there]

[Music is played and Scott begins to dance]

[He walks over to a little table with some snacks.]

[with faux shock] Oh would you look at this, what the butler has prepared. A beautiful party feast!

[He runs over and sits down making little noises with his high heels as he does]

Oh wow! This is just wonderful. I'm gonna throw myself a party for all of my bestest friends. Let me see it's 1974, who should I invite? Oh, simple! Phylis, Maude, Rhoda, and Horshack!

[A doorbell is heard]

[gasps] They're here!

["HOME ALONE" is written at the bottom of the screen. Scott puts his hands on his face a la Macaulay Culkin. An "O" comes from Scott's mouth and takes the place of the "E" making a glass breaking noise. The words turn pink as it now says "HOMO ALONE"]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video