Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Hecubus is Fired

Transcribed from: The Comedy Network
Transcribed by: sunnish

Part 1

[Scene opens with Kevin seated behind a desk in the Pit of Ultimate Darkness.]

Kevin: Good evening and welcome to the pit of penultimate darkness. Apparently, someone's opened a pit slightly darker than this one. I'm, of course, MC Simon Milligan master of funk [does a dance] and evil. [stands up and walks to front of desk] Today, we will look at the evil you kids can have on a rainy day. Did you know you could summon up the powers of darkness in the comfort of your own home? It's true! All you need is common household baking soda, white vinegar and goat's blood. [dips fingers in blood] You might want to get your mom to help with the slaughter of the goat. To assist me, I would like to introduce Manservant Hecubus! [he lifts up his hand, no-one is there] Manservant Hecubus! [the same thing happens] Manservent Hecubus... Hecubus... Hecubus.

[Kevin is looking for Dave and he appears on the other side of him drinking a bottle of vodka and looking intoxicated.]

Dave: How's it hanging, buddy? [Takes a swig]

Kevin: Um Evil's hanging all around, like a cheap perfume-What the hell's wrong with you?

Dave: I'm *sick*. Yeah, I'm very sick. But you know what, it's a beautiful day, what do you say we go outside and we get a pizza? I could kill for a pizza. [Takes another swig.]

Kevin: Hecubus, you're drunk!

Dave: Ah, c'mon, I'm pacing myself, grandma.

Kevin: [whispers] Don't call me grandma.

[Dave picks up the stuffed crow from the desk.]

Dave: Hey little birdie fly away, you're free!

[He tosses the bird. Kevin gasps and leans over to pick it up.]

Kevin: Hecubus, you broke my crow. I won this at a high school dance. You're fired!

Dave: Fine. Me and mister 'wodka' don't hang around where we're not wanted. [Walks away.]

Kevin: Oh, Hecubus.

[spinning newspaper headline: "Simon Fires Hecubus in Fit of Rage" 2nd spinning headline: "Simon to Audition New Hecubus in Fit of Rage" 3rd spinning headline: "Simon Eats Soup in Fit of Rage"]

[Scene cuts back to Kevin as he announces new Hecubuses.]

Kevin: Manservant Hecubus!

[Luc, as a priest, is revealed.]

Luc: Good evening, my son.

Kevin: Manservant Hecubus!

[A giant is revealed.]

Big Man: Good evening master.

Kevin: Manservant Hecubus!

[Brian's severed head is revealed.]

Brian: Ah, what's shaking, cookie?

[Kevin screams.]

[Scene cuts to Kevin and Scott as Scott is reviewing the performer's contract.]

Scott: Look Simone, strawberry pie, I'm sorry but it's right here, all in black and white. No Hecubus, no cheque-ubus.

Kevin: Don't worry Sasha, I have everything under control. [Pit music begins] I'm on.

Scott: Be good.

Kevin: I will.

[Crowd cheers.]

Kevin: Good evening, I'm Sir Simon Milligan and welcome to the pit of ultimate dark- [audience shouts "we want Hecubus"] And now, Manservant Hecubus. [holds up a Hecubus puppet and does puppet voice]
"Good evening master, I am ready for some evil. My, you look handsome today, Master."
Why, thank yo-

[Bruce enters.]

Bruce: Hey, hey it's a handpuppet! The guy's got a handpuppet.

[Kevin tosses puppet.]

Kevin: You're fired!

[Audience boos and shouts "we want the real Hecubus." Kevin runs away. Scott tears up the contract.]

Part 2

[Dave is in a bar. He lifts his head up from the counter.]

Dave: Where am I?

Man: Africa.

Dave: Africa? What the hell am I doing in Africa?

Man: You are the new British High Commissioner to Zimbabwe.

Dave: Wow! How much have I had to drink?

Man: Well, your bill here is seven thousand two hundred and seventy-two dollars.

[Dave stands up.]

Dave: Oh its ok, I'm sure I've got that on me, I usually never leave the house.

[Gets sucked into the floor.]

[Scene cuts to Kevin.]

Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen as you know I've had a few problems lately but I'm proud to say that I've worked them out and I'm back in the saddle of evil. So I'm very happy to introduce my new Hecubus the old Hecubus! [Dave appears.]

Dave: Good evening master, my name is Hecubus, and I am an alcoholic.

Audience: "Hello Hecubus."

Kevin: Hecubus, would you like a drink?

Dave: Yes, master, but I'm not going to have one.

Kevin: Evil reigns!

Dave: Yes, and without a crutch, master.

Kevin: Good to have you back, buddy.

[They shake hands.]

Kevin: Oh what the hell, hug old Simon.

[They hug.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video