Big Gut Guys

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Sarah Jane Bodell and Rachel
Cast- [Set in bar. Mark walks in with huge belly and a country/redneck/hick accent.]

Mark: Ladies? How you doin'?

[Bruce enters. Has huge belly as well.]

Bruce: We're not so lately, Young. We still got eight hours till last call.

Mark: Hell, that's plenty of time.

Together: To drink a little beer. [chuckles]

[Both proceed to table and find it difficult to sit down, but manage to pull it off.]

Mark: The eagle's landed!

Bruce: Barkeep! More gut fuel, if ya would. The usual.

Woman: Three jugs of beer, coming up!

Mark: Two.

Woman: Alright.

Bruce: Just two? Derrick not coming?

Mark: Yep. He's taken into his mind to start working out. Trying to get rid of his gut.

Bruce: [giggles] You mean he's turning his back on his gut?

Mark: I know what you mean. How can a guy turn his back on his gut?

Bruce: Well, a fool is what he is!

Mark: Yeah, doesn't he realize that great guts are a gift from God? Huh?

Bruce: That, or a genetic thing.

Mark: How so genetic?

Bruce: Well, I've been studying my whole family structure and we all got the same fabulous guts. Even my dog's got a real nice [motion with hands] low ride.

Mark: I know what you mean. I mean I could work out all year, and I could never get rid of this gut.

Bruce: My gut is who I am!

Mark: My gut is what I am!

Bruce: My gut is...

Together: All muscle! [both stand]

Mark: Give me a shot, come on now!

[Bruce punches Mark in the gut.]

Bruce: Now me!

[Mark punches Bruce in the gut.]

[Sitting down, they begin to chug beer.]

Mark: Does your gut make great noises like mine does? Listen. [shakes gut, gut makes swishing sounds]

Bruce: Yeah, I think so. [shakes gut, gut plays "Home on the Range"]

Mark: You know, I think you've been blessed with the secong greatest gut in the tri-county area.

Bruce: I think I've been blessed with the very best gut, yes.

Mark: I'm sorry, no, my gut is the best gut!

Bruce: No, I got the best gut!

Mark: No, I got the best gut!

Bruce: No, I got the best gut!

Mark: No, I do, I'm sorry.....

Bruce: Mine!

Mark: Mine!

Bruce: Mine!

Mark: Mine!

Bruce: Mine! Well, there's only one way to settle this.

Mark: Belly flop competition! Let's go, come on, let's find a pool.

Bruce: No! Navel depth!

Mark: Agreed.

[Barkeep brings two thin rulers, Bruce measures first, crowd cheers esults.]

Mark: Hey! [proceeds to measure own navel depth] Come on now, sweet pea! Come on now little darling! Come on you son of a bitch! Come on you son of bitch! [pulls out ruler along with keys] Hey, my car keys! [crowd cheers] Hey! I win!

Bruce: Yeah, I guess my gut just isn't good enough.

Mark: Stan, there's something I got to tell you. You have a beautiful gut.

Bruce: Really?

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: I think your gut's beautiful too. Especially ..... when you drive.

Mark: You know, with you sometimes, I pretend to be reading your t-shirt, but really I'm just staring right at it. I don't know what it means, but there. [both giggle]

Bruce: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Yeah.

[Kevin enters the bar.]

Kevin: Hey there guys!

Mark: Derrick!

Bruce: Derrick, you made it after all!

Mark: Hey, Derrick, looks like you've lost a little weight.

Bruce: Hey Derrick, did you go and lose a little weight on us?

[Mark and Bruce giggle.]

Kevin: Yeah, I guess you could say I lost a little weight. But I could still take a shot!

Mark: [to Bruce] You do it!

Bruce: [to Kevin] Can you? [punches Kevin in the gut]

Kevin: Oooh. See? Mind getting your hand out of my gut there buddy?

Bruce: It's stuck!

Kevin: What? Oooh.

Mark: Hey, barkeep, we need some gut tools! That's a pot of Vaseline, some salad tongs, and a fork! Bring them in here, come on!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video