Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Sarah Jane Bodell and Rachel
[Set in bar. Mark walks in with huge belly and a country/redneck/hick accent.]
- Bruce- Stan
- Kevin- Derrick
- Mark- Young (?)
- Woman- Barkeep
Mark: Ladies? How you doin'?
[Bruce enters. Has huge belly as well.]
Bruce: We're not so lately, Young. We still got eight hours till last call.
Mark: Hell, that's plenty of time.
Together: To drink a little beer. [chuckles]
[Both proceed to table and find it difficult to sit down, but manage to pull it off.]
Mark: The eagle's landed!
Bruce: Barkeep! More gut fuel, if ya would. The usual.
Woman: Three jugs of beer, coming up!
Bruce: Just two? Derrick not coming?
Mark: Yep. He's taken into his mind to start working out. Trying to get rid of his gut.
Bruce: [giggles] You mean he's turning his back on his gut?
Mark: I know what you mean. How can a guy turn his back on his gut?
Bruce: Well, a fool is what he is!
Mark: Yeah, doesn't he realize that great guts are a gift from God? Huh?
Bruce: That, or a genetic thing.
Mark: How so genetic?
Bruce: Well, I've been studying my whole family structure and we all got the same fabulous guts. Even my dog's got a real nice [motion with hands] low ride.
Mark: I know what you mean. I mean I could work out all year, and I could never get rid of this gut.
Bruce: My gut is who I am!
Mark: My gut is what I am!
Bruce: My gut is...
Together: All muscle! [both stand]
Mark: Give me a shot, come on now!
[Bruce punches Mark in the gut.]
Bruce: Now me!
[Mark punches Bruce in the gut.]
[Sitting down, they begin to chug beer.]
Mark: Does your gut make great noises like mine does? Listen. [shakes gut, gut makes swishing sounds]
Bruce: Yeah, I think so. [shakes gut, gut plays "Home on the Range"]
Mark: You know, I think you've been blessed with the secong greatest gut in the tri-county area.
Bruce: I think I've been blessed with the very best gut, yes.
Mark: I'm sorry, no, my gut is the best gut!
Bruce: No, I got the best gut!
Mark: No, I got the best gut!
Bruce: No, I got the best gut!
Mark: No, I do, I'm sorry.....
Bruce: Mine! Well, there's only one way to settle this.
Mark: Belly flop competition! Let's go, come on, let's find a pool.
Bruce: No! Navel depth!
[Barkeep brings two thin rulers, Bruce measures first, crowd cheers esults.]
Mark: Hey! [proceeds to measure own navel depth] Come on now, sweet pea! Come on now little darling! Come on you son of a bitch! Come on you son of bitch! [pulls out ruler along with keys] Hey, my car keys! [crowd cheers] Hey! I win!
Bruce: Yeah, I guess my gut just isn't good enough.
Mark: Stan, there's something I got to tell you. You have a beautiful gut.
Bruce: I think your gut's beautiful too. Especially ..... when you drive.
Mark: You know, with you sometimes, I pretend to be reading your t-shirt, but really I'm just staring right at it. I don't know what it means, but there. [both giggle]
Bruce: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[Kevin enters the bar.]
Kevin: Hey there guys!
Bruce: Derrick, you made it after all!
Mark: Hey, Derrick, looks like you've lost a little weight.
Bruce: Hey Derrick, did you go and lose a little weight on us?
[Mark and Bruce giggle.]
Kevin: Yeah, I guess you could say I lost a little weight. But I could still take a shot!
Mark: [to Bruce] You do it!
Bruce: [to Kevin] Can you? [punches Kevin in the gut]
Kevin: Oooh. See? Mind getting your hand out of my gut there buddy?
Bruce: It's stuck!
Kevin: What? Oooh.
Mark: Hey, barkeep, we need some gut tools! That's a pot of Vaseline, some salad tongs, and a fork! Bring them in here, come on!