Spot, the God

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Discrepancy between Comedy Central and HBO airings.
Pointed out by:
[Discrepancies notated as "*HBO--"]

[Cast- 3 Businessmen- Dave Foley, Mark McKinney, Kevin McDonald]

[in a conference room]

Dave: Okay, this could be a very serious problem, but, uh, why don't we just reread the letter, cause maybe we got something wrong in the first reading, okay?

Kevin and Mark: Good, good.

Dave: [reading] Dear Mavisville Recreation Center, in regards to your upcoming obedience and breeding competition, I would like to make my applications. Sincerely yours, Mrs. Eleanor Whitmore, and her god Spot.

Mark: It still says god!

Kevin: Her *god* Spot. You see, I am very worried.

Mark: I know you're worried, but it's unfair for you to claim that you're more worried than I am.

Dave: Well, look, I'm more worried than the both of you put together.

Mark: Oh, I agree. I'm just saying that I'm more worried than he is.

Dave: Let's just sum it up. I'm the most worried, you're the second-most worried, and in last place is you. Oh, for God's sake, the point is we're all worried together!

Kevin: Although on the second reading I started worrying a little more.

Mark: Oh, would you give it up, you big baby! This woman is talking about bringing God to the Mavisville fair. This could ruin the touristry!

Kevin: He's right. Mavisville is the toupee capital of the world. We have to protect that!

Mark: Just think. Every summer hundreds of tourists flock to see the giant Toupee in the Park.

Kevin: Weather permitting.

Mark: Weather permitting.

Kevin: Of course.

Dave: Now, I think we're getting off topic, here. What really worries me about this little letter is that she says, "her god." Not *the* god, *her* god.

Mark: That means it could be any sort of god.

Kevin: Like the god of constant rainstorms,...or music?

Mark: It could be the god of pinkeye!

Dave: That's right, gentlemen. We could be constantly wiping our eyes during a rainstorm while trying to listen to Leonard Cohen music!

Kevin: Of course, we could be jumping to conclusions. It could be just a typo. After all, it is a dog show we organizing at the fair. Dog...god. They're pretty similar.

Mark: What do you mean, they're similar? Gods and dogs are nothing alike. Dogs are furry, little creatures that live from 10-14 years, gods are omnipotent and immortal. If you ever talk about---

Kevin: No, no, you're not listening to me. I mean they're similar words. Even we made a mistake.

[holds up a sign that says Mavisville God Show]

Mark: Oh yeah. I remember that day.

Dave: Dog god. Dog god. Dog god, god dog....We can't take the risk, gentlemen. I'm gonna call up the National Guard. We have to have protection in this town.

Mark: Hey, hang on a second, wait a minute. We call up the National Guard to protect us from a border collie, we're gonna end up looking like...what was that expression?

Kevin: Oh! Complete and total morons.

[*HBO--Kevin: Oh! Fucking morons.]

Mark: Complete and total morons!

[*HBO--Mark: Fucking morons!]

[they think]

Kevin: [laughing] She meant dog. It's a dog show, not a god show. No one names their god Spot. Oh yeah, she meant dog.

Dave: Yeah, yeah, dog. Dog, not god.

Mark: You're right. She meant dog.

Dave: That was pretty silly, wasn't it?

Mark: You know, six months from now, we're still gonna be laughing at this one.

[Six months later. The three of them have their heads on pikes.]

Kevin: Wow. What a difference six months makes.

Mark: Oh, yeah. Pretty dramatic.

Dave: Oh, yeah. Pretty damn dramatic.

Mark: Yeah.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video